Diary of a Soap Opera Virgin #2

Dear Diary, Did you know these soaps are on every weekday? Okay, okay, I knew that, but man, it’s easy to fall behind! It didn’t particularly help that yesterday’s episode of THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL introduced a whole slew of people who weren’t in the last one I watched… or that the episode used a shorter opening sequence without those helpful flashcards showing a picture of each character with their names next to it. I nearly checked the DVR to make sure that I’d taped the right show!

Anyway, today’s episode started with a police officer and a goofy-looking guy whose whole job seemed to be looking sheepish trying to explain to Dr. Peter Burns (fine, fine, his name is Jack. No, wait, that’s the actor. Jack Wagner. Here he’s Nick. I’ll get used to it eventually) and a ticked lady why a bunch of rape kits are in a storage area. Given the number of rape kits — we’re talking what looks like hundreds of them in a room kind of like that warehouse at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark (if it were shot on a much smaller budget) — I can only assume there’s a serial rapist out there.

Next up… wait, did that woman just call this guy Whip? Apparently, yes. And the blonde woman has a lot of questions about Whip (really?) and his cousin, whose name is Sandy. Or maybe Agnes. Or maybe both.

At some really nice looking outdoor restaurant, a younger woman talks about how the older lady she’s dining with spent years “trying to throw my mother off bridges and cliffs and lord knows what else.” I’m not sure if she means that literally or metaphorically. But if the older woman — Stephanie? — really is some kind of homicidal maniac, apparently, it’s all “bygones” now, because these gals are laughin’ it up over lunch. Bridget, the younger one, says she looks like she’s got it all together, but she’s a mess. Hey, she’s played by the shapeshifter Sam slept with on TRUE BLOOD! Dead chick = Bridget. It’s all about associations at this point.

Back at the police station… this cop did NOT just say “We work for you” and “I”m ashamed that I failed you,” did he? And man, that guy-with-no-name totally threw the big cop under the bus! I’d be afraid for my job if I were him! Anyway, the big cop and the shame-faced dude who threw him under a bus explain to Jack and his lady friend that it’s really, really expensive to run lab tests on rape kits. Wow, gotta say, this woman is acting her butt off. The scene is kinda over the top, but the actress is phenomenal. She is all up in the cop’s grill. But wait, are people really allowed to just go, you know, root through the evidence room? I’m thinking not…

Blonde chick just compared Whip (REALLY?) to a labradoodle. Okay, that was funny. But she still wants to know what’s up with him and Sandy… hey, wait, that’s the name of the woman at the police station! Okay, so Sandy and Whip are cousins. And they found her rape kit! Unless she’s not the person I think she is at all. I guess we’ll find out tomorrow… as well as what happened to all those people who were working at a fashion house, purposely making bad designs that look like they came straight out of the DYNASTY era.

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  • sanen85

    You’d still be better off with One Life to Live, which has made it to most critic’s and fan’s best soap of 09.