Diary of a Soap Opera Virgin #3

Dear Diary, Ah, the big-haired dude is back on THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL, and he’s scheming with the blonde woman, who is worried that her sister is going to be very upset about this plan. And upstairs, the woman I’m pretty sure is said sister is telling a British guy that he’s going to get a look at the much-discussed designs. I suspect this is going to be a big deal.

In another room, Nick is promising Sandy that she’ll get justice. (Hey, look, I recognized both of the!) But she’s mighty ticked about those unprocessed rape kits, and she wants something done!

Big-haired dude (Ridge?) is worried that Brooke is going to blow the whole plan. Her lips say “I won’t” but her eyes say “I might.” The British guy is getting his first look at the new clothing line and his reaction is a lot like mine was. He’s shocked and appalled and might have even thrown up in the back of his throat a little bit.

Sandy is prattling on about the budget cuts at the police department and thanking Nick for giving her hope. She asks how she can ever thank him and while I kinda think I know how she could thank him, the music in the background is a lot more “swelling emotion” than “swelling nether regions.”

Uh-oh. Big-haired dude and his co-conspirators are freaking because they just found out that Katie’s looking at the line including, as Brooke says breathlessly, “Your most outrageous design yet!” Cut immediately to British guy picking up a feathered, bedazzled number that no self-respecting drag queen would wear. Katie wants an honest reaction, and the British guy is trying to be “diplomatic.” When she asks if it’s as bad as she thinks it is, I’m pretty sure he’s going to say “No… it’s worse!” And sure enough, he does. The British guy says, “Brooke and Donna are your sisters… they wouldnever knowingly deceive you?” DRAMATIC PAUSE. “Would they?” he asks.

Katie orders Brooke up to her office and big-haired dude gives her the stink-eye, worried that she’s gonna crumble like a dehydrated cracker.

Ugh, back to Sandy and her whole “I will get justice” thing. Nick wants to tell his wife (aka dead TRUE BLOOD chick), Sandy says he can’t, and in walks… Bridget.

Big-haired dude is talking to a girl I thought was his assistant or something, but she’s his daughter. Steffy. Family means everything, he says, as we cut to Brooke and Katie and the gag-inducing designs. Katie is majorly skeptical, talks about how her husband is persona non grata. Wait, Brooke didn’t invite her brother-in-law over for the holidays? Dang, that’s harsh.

Somehow, despite the fact Bridget was standing in front of the door, Sandy managed to escape through it during the commercial break. Bridget says that — wait, hold up. Finger on the rewind button. So this Sandy woman is carrying Bridget and Nick’s baby? How did I not know that? Anyway, Nick promises that nothing will happen to ruin their happiness. Even I know enough about the way soaps work to suspect he just wrote a metaphorical check he can’t cash. Bridget and Nick make out… hey, that’s the closest thing to sex I’ve seen since I started watching. I thought soaps were all about people ripping each other’s clothes off! Finally, a little sex… oops, no, they go from kissing to talking about that ugly line of clothing.

Steffy just said something to her dad that made his eyes bug out of his head, but I don’t really get why. Something about a guy named Bill.

Back to Katie and Brooke. Okay, it sounds like Katie’s husband, Bill, took over this company and everybody is pissed at him for doing it. Katie says he saved the company, but he’s being treated like a pariah. Big words, little woman! If I was doing a shot every time someone used the word family in this episode, I’d be wasted now. But now’s the big moment, cause Katie wants to know the truth. “Tell me if the Dare line is legitimate,” she insists. “Is this great? Or is it sabotage? Can I trust you, or are you betraying me?” And Brooke looks like, as Ridge feared, she’s gonna spill the beans. “Tell me the truth!” Katie yells as the music swells. Really pretty music.

Wait? That’s the end? But… okay, I’m beginning to see the appeal. Because I’ll admit it: I want to see what Brooke says tomorrow. God help me, I want to know!

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