SPARTACUS: By the Numbers (There Will Be Boobies!)


With all due respect to the creative team behind SPARTACUS: BLOOD AND SAND, we’re fairly confident that there are only two reasons why viewers are going to tune into the series: Sex and violence. With that in mind, this TV Addict thought that rather than spend hours crafting a review on the historical accuracy and cultural relevancy of Starz latest foray into scripted fare, we would proudly present SPARTACUS: By the Numbers, a practical guide to the actual amounts of sex and violence this gory action-packed series has to offer.

2: The number of minutes it took for the series to introduce two battered and bruised Gladiators embroiled in a very bloody fight to the death, reinforcing the show’s status as the small screen equivalent of 300 on a television budget.

6: The number of minutes until this TV Addict was forced to close his living room shutters for fear that our house would be burdened with the dubious distinction of being the only one on the block to view graphic porn during the middle of the day as SPARTACUS offered up its first of what would turn out to be many gratuitous sex scenes.

1.5: The number of heads decapitated. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the half a point represents the second head, which let’s just say was left holding on by a thread! Seriously Gladiators, if the SPARTACUS series premiere taught us anything, it’s this: If you’re going to decapitate an opponent, at least have the courtesy of using an ax over a sword. It’s far more effective.

2: The number of legs sliced off.

4: The number of boobies shown. And yes, we’re pretty sure this is the first time the word “boobies” has been written on Thank you very much Starz.

3: The total number of very graphic sex scenes in the SPARTACUS series premiere. That said, I know what you’re thinking, “But TV Addict, shouldn’t three sex scenes account for at least six boobies!?” Well, not if two of the scenes involve the same woman!

0: Since “Shirtless guy” and “Naked girl” don’t exactly qualify, “0” is the number of actual character names we recall following a weekend spent screening the show’s first two episodes. A fact that probably doesn’t bode well for the series as a whole. We’re just sayin’

SPARTACUS: BLOOD AND SAND airs Friday nights at 10PM on Starz (Mondays at 9PM on TMN in Canada)

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  • John

    Ha, fair enough. Any actual attempt to review this crapfest of a show would surely end in a critic’s suicide because the writing, acting, directing, production design, editing, and special effects are all painfully bad.

    Just wait until episode 2, when the show introduces penises to accompany all those boobies.

  • Edward Black

    if i recall i think they allready did

    that said i think if they stop showing d**ks (i dont know if tvaddict mind if i wright it complete?) and the fake blood that looks like pait behind the gladiators, if they make a storyline, if they wright good scripts for the hmm actors to act on, and move the show like i think sunday. it could be a good, ok not good tolerable, violent show to see instead of church lol. btw i dont mind the boobs

  • I couldn’t believe how bad this show was. I was expecting Gladiator, but got 300. I wasn’t a fan of the syle of 300 and this just seemed to be more of the the same crap visually. You should add a count for the number of times they used slow/stop motion–which was far too much. I wonder how long the show would have run at normal speed–prob like 30 minutes. Also, how many buckets of “blood”.

  • Kyle,

    Agreed, spewing blood just because the technology exists to do so pretty much kills its effectiveness.

    Sssshhhh…. I’m saving the number of full-frontal males for next weeks edition of SPARTACUS by the numbers!

  • Diana

    Just two pairs of boobies? Are you kidding me? Even if you counted only the man boobs you’d still get a lot more than that. What about all the female servants and dancers who were topless too?

  • davy

    you didnt even remember the name spartacus for a 1?

  • Mel

    LOLZ!! You’re right — I have absolutely no clue what anyone’s name is — I got: Roman dude, blond girl, senator, skeevy guy from the Mummy movies and skeevy guy’s wife, Lucy Lawless(!), whasisname the lead, wife who says “Kill them all!” — possibly the only good line of dialog in the episode.

  • Beckett

    The show is a total lame joke!

  • baz

    spartacus is the bollocks! give it a chance b4 you write it off. every has stutter steps with both the acting and the storylines. the fight scenes are gr8 and we all love exess blood so stop bitchin about spartacus and go and watch a rom-com or a tear jerker if you dont have the stomach 4 this awesome show. or go out and pick a fight on the next big guy you see if you have the bollocks! if you dont like spartacus dont watch it!!!!!