Grossest Manipulation: “I’m not trying to sell a story,” said BACHELOR PAD’s Kasey to fellow contestants. “But just know the money is necessary for my grandmother to live.” Kudos, dude. You’ve finally proven yourself to be just as disgusting as your fame-whore girlfriend, Vienna. Enjoy yourself while you can, buddy, because the race is on to see whether your relationship or your time in the spotlight ends first.
Best Crossover: Holy Wrestlemania! A special Tuesday-night edition of SMACKDOWN featured stars from both this WWE franchise and its sister show, RAW, giving Syfy a nice ratings boost and fans of the genre an extra night of carnage.
Why Geeks Wet Themselves This Week: The New York Post reported that a sixth version of STAR TREK is in the works and will soon be pitched to CBS.
The “Well What Else Did He Have To Do” Award Goes To…: Chad Michael Murray, who, having all but squandered the buzz he had a few years back, will return for the final season of ONE TREE HILL.
Best Tweet: Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine sent out one reading: “The VMA’s. One day a year when MTV pretends to still care about music.” He closed with an obscenity that would have been downright appropriate for what New York Times’ columnist Jon Caramanica dubbed “maybe the most bleeped award show in history, and certainly the lewdest.”
Saddest News: Melissa Sue Gilbert and Bruce Boxleitner announced they’d be divorcing. And if Scarecrow and Half Pint can’t make it, who can?
Lamest Casting: Okay, be honest: Who out there knows who JR Martinez is? Given his lack of storyline, even most ALL MY CHILDREN fans — on which he plays Brot — might have difficulty placing the name. Forget COUGAR TOWN; it’s DANCING WITH THE STARS that needs to consider a name change.
The “Don’t Make Us Beg… ’Cause We Will” Award Goes To: CBS, who this week put some of it’s programming on Hulu… but only in Japan. Given how crappy CBS’s on-line players are (and that includes for sister-network The CW), we can only hope this is a sign that Hulu will soon be hosting their content here as well.
Story We Never Need To See Written Again: No outlet needs to write about how “not all (insert ethnic group here) are happy with (insert offensive reality show centered on group comprised largely of said ethnicity here).” That’s like saying that not all cows are pleased with slaughterhouses.
Worst Mom: A stage mother on TLC’s TODDLERS & TIARAS dressed her child as Dolly Parton… complete with padded chest and butt. Remember when you actually, I don’t know, learned stuff on The Learning Channel?
Most Humble Nominee: SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE hostess Cat Deeley told AfterEllen.com that Ryan Seacrest should win the Emmy that they’re both competing for. If she weren’t so darn charming, we’d smack her. As it is, we’ll settle for her graciously accepting come Emmy night.
Dumbest Question Ever: Will there be any GLEE skits on this year’s Jane Lynch-hosted Emmy telecast?
Emmy-Worthy Performance Of The Week: What do you say we just give next year’s Outstanding Lead Actress in a Daytime Drama nod to ALL MY CHILDREN’s Debbi Morgan right now? It’ll be tough for anyone out there to top her heartbreaking performance as alter ego Angie clawed at the ground beneath which was buried the switched-at-birth daughter she hadn’t even known had died.
Best — And Perhaps Only — Reason To Watch TWO AND A HALF MEN For The First Time: Judy Greer (perhaps best known as the breast-flashing secretary on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT) has been cast as the ex-wife of Ashton Kutcher’s character.