Biggest Shocker: We hadn’t even gotten over Dale’s death when THE WALKING DEAD hit us with [Spoiler Alert!].
Television’s Most Wanted, Daytime Division: After watching ONE LIFE TO LIVE’s Blair bond with GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Carly while comparing marital war stories, it became clear that the Port Charles-set sudser needs to sign Kassie DePaiva to a contract ASAP.
Most Awesome Man-In-A-Dress-News Ever: The folks behind RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE revealed that this fall, they will be airing an all-star edition. Can we get a hallelu?
Saddest Boat-Related News Since The Titanic Sunk: The Pacific Princess — known to millions as THE LOVE BOAT — was sold for scrap metal.
Lamest TV-Related Article: In a piece that was as badly written as it was edited, Forbes.com contributor Roger Friedman came to the “GENERAL HOSPITAL is a goner” party late, apparently having not known that Katie had been given the 3 p.m. timeslot currently occupied by the sudser months ago.
Most Telling Statement: Hey, TODDLERS & TIARAS? When even JonBenet Ramsey’s dad says you’re disturbing and “bizarre”, maybe you’re heading in a not-so-great direction.
Best Example Of Biting The Hand That Feeds You: Barbara Walters of THE VIEW had harsh words for THE BACHELOR, which she called “a degradation to women.” Still miffed about not getting a rose, huh?
More Of What Nobody Seems To Really Want: Despite DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES’ ratings being way down (15 million tuned in to see Edie killed in 2009 while only 8 million were on hand for Mike’s death), ABC announced the show will have a two-hour finale this May.
Geekiest “Get”: Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking will finally appear on the show he was born to appear on, THE BIG BANG THEORY.
Silliest Statement: After Bear Grylls was fired by the Discovery Channel, his rep said he “disagrees with Discovery’s decision to terminate current productions.” And here we thought Bear would be like so many other folks fired for not doing the job they were hired to do and say he was pleased by the decision.
Least Newsy News Ever: Zap2it.com reported on March 13 that former ALL MY CHILDREN diva had booked a role on ARMY WIVES and would first appear on the March 18th episode. Of course, fans have known about the soapster booking the part since at least October, when it was, you know, actual news!
Best Editing: A million kudos to Elisa Kreisinger, aka Pop Culture Pirate, for her brilliant look at the unspoken love between MAD MEN Don Draper and Roger Sterling.
The “Where Have I Heard That One Before?” Award Goes To… : AMERICAN IDOL for insisting that this time they’re gonna beef up security to make sure people like Jermaine Jones don’t get through. No, really! They’re totally serious this time. Totally.
Most Ironic Rejection: In deciding not to pick up Spike Lee’s DA BRICK — described as a look at life for blacks in “post-racial” America — HBO may have said more than the series ever could.
Least Impressive Numbers: Oprah, honey? If an interview with Whitney Houston’s daughter can only bring in 3.5 million viewers, it might be time to acknowledge that your network is the biggest failure since MyNetwork.
Proof That Not Only Good Things Come In Threes: After a third horse had to be put down following an on-set accident, HBO’s LUCK didn’t just suspend the use of steeds, they pulled the plug on the low-rated, albeit critically acclaimed show.