Best News, Daytime Division: We’re not sure which was greeted with a louder cheer… word that THE REVOLUTION had been axed or that GENERAL HOSPITAL would be sticking around at least long enough to celebrate its 50th anniversary.
Biggest Negotiating Tactic: Having trouble getting your stars to keep their salary demands in check? Start a rumor that you’re going to reboot the show. It’s the TV equivalent of “I didn’t want your stupid ice cream anyway!” Just ask the folks at THE OFFICE.
Reason To Go On Living: Finally, someone is making a reality show about Bacon! Said would-be stars Justin Esch and Dave Lefkow (inventors of BaconSalt), “In the great American tradition of making the ridiculous even more ridiculous-er, we at J&D Foods look forward to joining the ranks of Snooki, the Kardashians and Flava Flav as America’s next great reality-TV stars!” 
Biggest Drama Queen: The folks at DEADLIEST CATCH clearly know that when you need a reaction shot or sound bite, you cut to mercurial captain Keith Colburn.
Worst Dieter Ever: SURVIVOR’s Jay traded a shot at immunity for beer and chicken wings.
Quickest Unsolving Of A Finally-Solved Mystery: After word spread that THE SIMPSON’s creator Matt Groening had finally admitted that Springfield is located in Oregon, he clarified that Homer’s hometown was named after the one in Oregon, but wasn’t actually the same location.
Dumbest Move: Fox news employee Joe Mutto was revealed to be Gawker’s “Fox Mole,” who risked his entire career to break such “shocking” news as Sean Hannity does softball interviews and the bathrooms at the network are really crappy.
Proof That Justice May Be Blind, But She Ain’t Dumb: THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF D.C.’s Tareq Salahi had his alienation of affections case against wife and fellow White House party crasher Michaele (not to mention her beau, Neal Schol, and his band, Journey) tossed out of court. Now, could the estranged publicity whores do us all a favor and just go quietly away so we can stop struggling to spell their names correctly?
Best Calling-Out: Fellow child stars of the 80’s and 90’s took Kirk Cameron to task for recent homophobic remarks in a hysterical Funny Or Die video.
Celebrity Death Match We’d Kill To See In Real Life: Imaging pitting egomaniacal pundit Keith Olbermann against perpetually-loose cannon Alec Baldwin. Yup, we’d order that on pay-per-view!
Biggest Dis: While trash-talking fellow RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE contestant Sharon Needles, Phi Phi O’Hara called her nemesis “he”, setting off debate as to whether it was a slip of the tongue or a purposeful slam. Being as we can’t stand Phi Phi, we’re gonna assume the worst and go with slam.
Least Likely To Have Their Heads Lobbed Off: The execs who brought joy to throughout the seven kingdoms by announcing GAME OF THRONES would return for a third season.
Most Likely To Fail A Pregnancy Test: After having her first child taken away by child protective services, 16 AND PREGNANT “star” Ebony is now expecting another baby.
Oddest Endorsement: DAYS OF OUR LIVES vixen (and former MELROSE PLACE star) Lisa Rinna became the spokesperson for Depends, saying she was repping the adult diapers for charity.