Why NY Is Better Than L.A.: It seems somehow appropriate that the East Coast version of 30 ROCK’s live episode featured an appearance by Paul McCartney while the West Coast version got… Kim Kardashian.
Dumbest Statement Of The Week: In discussing this week’s brilliant outing of COMMUNITY, Bill Wyman of Slate.com, having apparently never seen an episode of CSI: MIAMI declared it a “full-frontal assault on the… lamest franchise in the history of television.”
Truest Statement Of The Week: In a preview for her upcoming MTV “reality” show, Snooki — aka the world’s worst role model — declares, “Honestly? I really didn’t know that I could make a baby. So the fact that I can reproduce is very scary.” For all of us, lady. For all of us.
Oddest Re-Emergence: Evan Marriott (aka JOE MILLIONAIRE) responded to a post on thegloss.com about how he hadn’t aged well, admitting he “never really wanted to be on TV” and that “when it came time to handle the minimal celebrity that I had, I failed miserably.”
Most Likely To Refuse To Leave Until We Collectively Kick Their Butts To The Curb: It was announced that KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS has been renewed for three more seasons. In related news, Joel McHale vowed to continue mocking the clan on THE SOUP for at least twice that long.
Lamest Attempt To Be Credible: Wanting its movie awards to seem less like a big ol’ promo for summer blockbusters, MTV has added new categories and a completely anonymous panel of judges. Because nothing says “we aren’t just handing these out to the people we want to see attend!” like an anonymous panel of judges.
Most In Need Of An Eye Exam: Hey, we think MODERN FAMILY’s Sofia Vergara is gorgeous, but unlike the bouncer who refused to let her into a nightclub, there’s no way we’re mistaking her for being under 21!
Proof That When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Trashy: NBC replaced playwright Theresa Rebeck with GOSSIP GIRL executive producer Joshua Safran. Expected changes include a sassy anonymous reviewer to do voiceovers and a shift in focus from Broadway to a high school musical.
Irony Alert In 3… 2… : Bill O’Reilly proved he can dish it out but can’t take it by making sure to respond to THE SIMPSONS’ silly little joke about his network. The bloviator’s typically calculable reaction? “How predictable.”
Worst Time To Be Caught Doing Something There’s Never A Good Time To Do: Six days before the end of his probation for having killed a teen during a DUI incident, former PRISON BREAK star Lane Garrison was arrested for allegedly beating his ex-girlfriend.
Latest Abuse Of A Popular Word: Someone please tell folks like Alfonso Ribeiro that there is a difference between a flash mob and a group dance. Thank you.
Worst Choice Of Verbiage: In explaining that she and the rest of the cast want to return to THE OFFICE, Jenna Fischer (Pam) said, “It’s really just a matter of NBC pulling the trigger.” By which we’re pretty sure she didn’t mean “and put the audience out of its misery because the show is a ghost of its former self.”
Most In Need Of A Reality Check: Soon after news that Lindsay Lohan would be playing Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime movie broke, rumors of her bad behavior on the set of GLEE hit the web. Apparently, someone forgot to tell her that there’s a difference between playing a diva and having earned the right to act like one.
Least-Likely To Get A Longterm Lease: THE L.A. COMPLEX looks likely to get a hasty eviction after having the lowest-rated primetime in-season debut of all time.
The “Them’s Fightin’ Words” Award Goes To… : The folks at Zap2it.com for listing MODELS, INC as one of the worst shows to be aired during Fox’s 25-year history. Don’t worry, Kylie Travis, we’ve got your back!
First Sign That Summer’s Coming: CBS announced that our favorite guilty-pleasure, BIG BROTHER, will debut on July 12.
Least Funny Joke: Party-crashing REAL househusband Tareq Salahi, fresh from being cuckolded by the guitarist from Journey, declared his intention to become the Governor of Virginia.
The Category Is… Game-Show Blunders: Answer: It was written on the card. [Contestant buzzes in] “Why did Alex Trebek accidentally give away the answer to a question during a taping of JEOPARDY?”
Unholiest Alliance: Both THE DAILY SHOW’s Jon Stewart and the various Fox News pundits took President Obama to task for his appearance on LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON. Cue the apocalypse.