Biggest Feud: Nobody, even the folks at the History Network, dared to dream that HATFIELDS & McCOYS would bring in the kind of numbers that make cable execs weep with joy.
Least Surprising Spin-Off: TLC will give TODDLERS & TIARAS unforgettable tot Alana — best known for such sassy and incredibly creepy quips as “A dolla makes me holla, honey boo-boo!” — her own series. Because clearly, the apocalypse just can’t come soon enough for some people.
Soapiest Development, Primetime: Like a daytime villain rising from a premature grave, DEVIOUS MAIDS — rejected by ABC — may wind up getting a second chance via Lifetime.
Show Most In Need Of A New Name: From the owners to the staff to the guests, THE CATALINA is so unappealing it should be called HOTEL HELL.
Scariest News: COUGAR TOWN’s new showrunner is… the guy who gave us GARY UNMARRIED. Oh dear. Where’s Big Carl when we need him?
Oddest Fit: HLN announced that they would carry a live broadcast of the June 23rd Daytime Emmy Awards.
Saddest Statement: Snoop Dogg slammed THE VOICE by saying that it takes more than great pipes to become a star. He reportedly told The Daily Star, “You could have the best voice ever, but be boring as hell.” Yes, God forbid you be talented but not able to flash your va-jay-jay ala Britney or court controversy ala Miley.
Most Incomprehensible Ruling: The Utah County Attorney decided that despite the fact there’s plenty of reason charge the cast of SISTER WIVES with bigamy — what with the evidence being aired every week — they’ll only pursue charges against bigamists if it occurs “in conjunction with another crime.” That statement in and of itself, by using “another”, proves that a crime is being committed… but not prosecuted. In other words, litterbugs, jaywalkers and other folks will be made to pay for their sins, but not those actually breaking a pretty major law.
Most Unexpected Twist: The biggest surprise about the LAW & ORDER: SVU season-ending cliffhanger? That SVU did a season-ending cliffhanger!
Life Lesson We All Can Learn From: SMALL WONDER star Jerry Supiran revealed that he’s broke and homeless in large part due to the time he spent dating a stripper. See, kids, turns out not all strippers and/or hookers have hearts of gold. Unless they buy it with the money they bilked you out of.
Least Classy Act: Is anyone really surprised that JERSEY SHORE meathead Ronnie released a “song” called “How The [F-bomb] We Gettin’ Home?” We thought not.
Most Haunting Tune: More than a week later, we still can’t get Florence + The Machine’s “Seven Devils”, the song which played as Lydia and Victoria boarded that ill-fated jet, out of our heads.
Deal We Weren’t Offered: Weight Watchers has agreed to pay Jessica Simpson $4 million to shed weight with them. Hey, we’d do it for a fraction of that price. Weight Watchers? Call us!
Coolest Geek: Ethan Zuckerman created a unit of measurement known as… wait for it… wait for it… the Kardashian. How does one measure a Kardashian? It is “the amount of global attention Kim Kardashian commands across all media over the space of a day,” he explains.
Coolest Stunt: The weekend of July 7, AMC will re-air the pilot for THE WALKING DEAD… in black and white. And if you think that doesn’t make a difference, check out the special edition of The Mist, directed by DEAD creator Frank Darabont. Based on the short story by Stephen King, the creepfest becomes about a thousand times scarier when you flip the disc over and watch the exact same flick in black and white.
Best Use Of A Trump Card: Nobody is happier than THE LAST WORD host Lawrence O’Donnell to have birther Donald Trump campaigning on behalf of Mitt Romney. The MSNBC host takes particular delight in delivering sharp jabs to the over-sized ego of the CELEBRITY APPRENTICE host.
The “Yeah, Right” Award Goes To… : Aaron Sorkin, who swore that the characters on his upcoming HBO series NEWSROOM are all entirely fictional and weren’t inspired by anyone in particular. Especially not temper-tantrum throwing, lawsuit filing, network-jumping pundit Keith Olbermann.