Worst Crossover: How about a new rule? Olympian Ryan Lochte stops learning how to act on our time by doing painful cameos on any show that’ll have him, and we won’t pee in the pool, aka his workplace.
Best Political Moment, Celebrity Edition: “The Eva Longoria who worked at Wendy’s flipping burgers, she needed a tax break,” the DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES beauty told folks at the Democratic National Convention. “But the Eva Longoria who works on movie sets does not.”
Entry A Lot Of People Will Think Is Offensive That Is Actually A Tribute: Happy 65th Birthday Jane Curtin, you ignorant slut!
Best Casting: Our reaction to Brenda Strong (DALLAS) playing a Martha Stewart-like character on the Shonda Rhimes’ sudser? How long until SCANDAL premieres?!
Biggest Snub: Bob Barker went public with the fact that he wasn’t asked to take part in THE PRICE IS RIGHT’s 40th anniversary. The animal lover then slammed the show he hosted for decades for giving away trips to animal-unfriendly locations.
Cheapest Ploy: Hey, folks over at THE TALK? If the best you can do for a season premiere is endlessly pimp that the episode will feature Chenbot and company sans make-up, it might be time to consider drastic measures. Like, you know, booking guests.
Stop Us If You’ve Heard This One: ABC has ordered a pilot from Kyle Killen – creator of LONE STAR and AWAKE, both of which bomed – tentatively titled INFLUENCE. As we describe it, count the clichés. Ready? A bipolar (one) psychology graduate (two) and his con-artist brother (three) open a business together (four) and use their “skills” to help people (five).
Earliest April Fool’s Day Joke: Word spread that J.J. Abrams sold Fox a show about human L.A. cops partnered with human-like androids, as if we wouldn’t recognize the pitch for MAC AND C.H.E.E.S.E. when we heard it.
Best Chance To Move On: Snooki’s had her baby, JERSEY SHORE is history… can we all now take some sort of mind-erasing pill that will wipe both from our collective memory?
Lesson Primetime Could Learn From Daytime: HBO revealed that TRUE BLOOD’s next season will only be 10 episodes long to accommodate Anna Paquin’s pregnancy. People, have you never seen a soap opera? Big purses! Potted plants! Or, heck, a mysterious absence! Surely a show with vampires, witches, fairies and werewolves can figure out how to whip up a storyline that explains Snookie’s absence for a while!
Best Bargain: We now know that the dignity of one’s entire clan can be bought for somewhere north of $4,000 an episode, which is what the HONEY BOO-BOO CHILD clan is raking in.
Biggest Diss: With only Mariah Carey officially signed on as a judge for the next cycle of AMERICAN IDOL, word came down that Randy Jackson had been asked back… but only as a mentor! The words you’re looking for are “Oh” and “snap.”