Most Public Burning Of A Bridge: Sharon Osbourne declared she never wanted to hear from NBC again. We’re pretty sure that won’t be a problem, love.
Biggest Waste of Talent: Maya Rudolph, WIll Arnett and Christina Applegate deserve so much more than UP ALL NIGHT. So to does the audience who tuned into last night’s not-so-improved second season premiere.
Toughest Trick: SURVIVOR’s Zane managed to blindside himself by coming up with an elaborate scheme designed to oust Russell only to find himself the one whose flame was snuffed out.
Most In Need Of A Dictionary: After announcing plans for a “special” called TWO TON KILLER (about a 1,000 pound woman who crushed her nephew), The Learning Channel revealed that their show BREAKING AMISH isn’t exactly as real as it purports. Meaning that somewhat ironically, the network does not understand the meanings of the words “special”, “real” or “learning.”
Weirdest Cool News Ever This Week: Of all the shows we thought might someday get the big screen treatment, we’ll admit, MANIMAL was not even on our radar!
Saddest Return: After this week’s premiere of THE OFFICE, you’ll understand if we just pretend the show ended about two years ago… when it was still worth watching.
Best Makeover: Is it just us, or has Amy Poehler’s small screen alter-ego Leslie Knope never looked better than in Thursday’s fantastic fifth season premiere of PARKS AND RECREATION?
Impression Of The Week: Seth MacFarlane’s take on Olympian Ryan Lochte was so funny, it almost made us want to start watching SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE again instead of watching the best bits later on the Web. Almost.
Most Inevitable Return: The second DALLAS revealed that Rebecca is Cliff’s daughter, we assumed mom Afton Cooper (played by Audrey Landers) would show up on the Texas-based sudser. This week, our suspicions were confirmed!
Biggest Irony: THE BACHELORETTE’s Kasey Kahl — you know, the off-key singing, guard-and-protecting, arm-tattoo getting dude from Ali’s season — announced plans to sue TMZ for defamation of character because they wrongly indicated that he’d been sniffing paint thinner before getting involved in a January bar brawl. Because, you know, it was the notion he might possibly huff paint that defamed his character, not his reality-show antics.
Tastiest Addition: The new season of TOP CHEF will feature Wolfgang Puck as a judge.
Best Euphemism: Adam and Kristina Braverman’s “Funky Town” was the perfect bit of levity to what turned out to be an emotionally gut-wrenching episode of PARENTHOOD.
Best Calling-Out: If you haven’t yet seen the “Chaos On Bull**** Mountain” segment, immediately head to Youtube.com and find THE DAILY SHOW clip which proves once and for all that Jon Stewart is hands-down the best commentator on modern media
Most Watched Face: Anyone who saw THE X-FACTOR was buzzing the next day about Britney Spears’ facial expressions. As was anyone who saw THE SOUP host Joel McHale mocking them.
Exit That Can’t Come Soon Enough: Maksim Chmerkovskiy told the New York Post he’s exiting DANCING WITH THE STARS, adding, “The audience can’t expect me to want to stick around.” Pretty sure what he meant to say was the audience could care less if he sticks around. It ain’t called DANCING WITH THE D-BAGS.
Most Mysterious Mystery: 15 years into a post-apocalyptic future free of electricity doesn’t preclude a certain rag-tag team of REVOLUTIONaries from looking as though they had just stepped out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!