Favorite Candidate: Obama? Romney? More like PARENTHOOD’s Max Braverman for President, change we can believe in.
Least Warm But Most Fuzzy Response: After Mitt Romney declared he loved SESAME STREET but would cut funding to PBS if he were president, plans were immediately formed for the November 3 Million Muppet March.
Best Wedding: The last time GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Sonny and Kate tried to get married, she took a literal bullet at the altar. This time, he took a figurative one thanks to her alter, Connie, who annouced she’d already married his nemesis, Johnny!
Best Extreme Makeover: Move over AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, PARKS AND RECREATION’s Ron Swason is in da house!
Best Extreme Makeover [Runner-Up]: Congratulations to REVENGE’s Gabriel Mann, who in a complete contrast to say us, actually spent the summer working out!
Silliest Feud: A literal war of words broke out between New York Times columnist Neil Genzlinger and Jerry Seinfeld over the use of the word “really” on television shows. Our one-word response: Seriously?
Coolest Cold Open: THE OFFICE’s “Asian Jim” was the funniest prank we’ve seen Pam and Jim pull on Dwight in quite some time. Quick, how do you say “back on the bandwagon” in Dothraki?
Why Life Ain’t Fair: Bidding on Lena Dunham’s upcoming book has already passed the $3 million mark. Did we mention she hasn’t even finished it yet? And here our contributing editor can’t even get a measly three bucks for his tome, Crimes Against Civility.
How To Jet To The Top Of Our Must-See List: NBC is apparently putting the kibosh on MOCKINGBIRD LANE, aka the much-discussed dramatic reboot of the classic sitcom, THE MUNSTERS. If we weren’t already dying to see this one, we sure as heck are now!
Proof That We Get What We Deserve: After accusations that the show was fake surfaced, BREAKING AMISH got a ratings bump.
Most Pretentious Ad: “It’s the threat in your seams that’s tied to your dreams,” says a new Levi’s commercial that tries convincing us that to be the world’s best at pretty much anything (including really bad poetry), all you need to do is slip into a pair of their jeans. If you’re working in the real world, you’d best hope it’s super-casual Friday!
Worst Moderator: Almost immediately, PBS’ Jim Lehrer lost any and all semblance of control over the first presidential debate as the candidates grabbed the reins and road roughshod over him and the pre-established rules.
Quickest Promotion: Although his first episode doesn’t even air until Sunday, October 21, ONCE UPON A TIME’s Captain Hook — and sexy portrayer Colin O’Donoghue — have been bumped up to series regular.
Least Spoilery Spoiler Ever: TVLine reports that Rutger Hauer has been cast for season six of TRUE BLOOD. We’ll go out on a limb and say he’s gonna be playing a bad guy because, well, nobody casts Hauer as, say, the leader of the good fairy brigade!
Most Welcome Return: 30 ROCK’s brilliant mockery of NBC’s recent ratings woes may-or-may-not had us lizzing ourselves!
Best Bump: After winning a zillion Emmys, HOMELAND saw a 60 percent boost in its ratings for the second season premiere.
Most Disappointed: Affiliates are unhappy with KATIE, apparently not believing Ms. Couric hosting an episode from her bedroom (in her pyjamas) is, as they were promised, “topical.” Of course, methinks if said episode brought big ratings (which it didn’t), their concerns about “topicality” would go out the window.
Biggest Hypocrite: Star Jones — she of the “Your Name Here For A Price” wedding — accused Anderson Cooper of coming out in an effort to get ratings.
Strangest Subplot: We hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s possible THE GOOD WIFE may have just jumped the proverbial shark with their bizarre and somewhat out-of-place Kalinda subplot.