Line Of The Week: “Wanna touch it?” Only SCANDAL could make paying homage to the Constitution sound dirty.
Line Of The Week [Runner Up]: Anything that came out of the mouth of Jane Krakowski. Suffice it to say, when 30 ROCK does close up shop in early 2013 we’re fairly confident that we’re going to miss Jenna Maroney most of all.
Best Lie: Thanks to her faux immunity idol, Abi miraculously managed to get through yet another tribal council on #SURVIVOR.
Least Plausible Death: There were more holes in the HOMELAND plot which led to the vice president’s demise than can be found on your typical golf course.
Most Premature Birth: TLC will air what promises to be the most fact-free special in history when it offers up “experts” weighing in on Kate Middleton’s pregnancy in WILLIAM AND KATE: A ROYAL BABY STORY.
Best Summation: PBS released a video that not only brilliantly recapped DOWNTON ABBEY’s first two seasons… but turned it into a comedy in the process!
This Week in Separated at Births: Is it just us, or is 30 ROCK’s Elaine Stritch and THE NEW NORMAL’s Ellen Barkin pretty much playing the same character.
Biggest Fraud: We’re not sure which is worse… Kristen Cavallari admitting everything on THE HILLS was fake (which we knew all along) or the fact that she considered her work on said show to be “acting.”
Most Pointless Addition: Does the world really need a 15-minute “post-show” Webcast from the folks at GOOD MORNING AMERICA? Hold on, I’ll answer on all of our behalves: No, it does not.
Smartest Move: DANCING WITH THE STARS will now only run 1 season a year so as to prevent viewers from becoming bored… or perhaps to give the world more time to create D-list celebrities between outings. In either case, we’d like to suggest that every reality show follow ABC’s lead.
Smartest Move, Part II: Perhaps knowing that sooner or later, even the REAL HOUSEWIVES will lose their luster, Bravo greenlit two scripted shows, including THE JONESES, based on the little scene but kinda cool Demi Moore flick of the same name.
Most Disappointing News: Canada’s Bell Media cancelled the fun primetime sudser THE L.A. COMPLEX, which had also been running on The CW in the States. Worse still, they announced it on the same day they gave the go ahead for yet another cheaply produced and tired Canadian version of an American reality franchise in THE AMAZING RACE: CANADA.
Proof Civilization As We Know It Is Over: Honey Boo Boo made Barbara Walters’ list of “Most Fascinating People.” In related news, Walters just made our list of “People Who Should No Longer Be Taken Seriously As Journalists.”
Best Revenge: Given the thousands of turkeys she helped people roast over the years, it seems somehow appropriate that Martha Stewart contracted salmonella after handling too many of them over Thanksgiving.
Greatest Response Ever: As opposed to every other actor, producer or writer ever asked “Will [insert the name of a no-longer-with-us series here] ever be a big-screen movie?”, Kyle Chandler actually said “Nope”, adding that FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS ended the way it was meant to.
Least Necessary Show: HBO is set to do a series satirizing Silicon Valley’s tech industry. Don’t they know that’s what Bravo’s hysterically bad START UPS is?
Most In Need Of A Dictionary: Priscilla Presley suggested that THE SIMPSONS should be banned because it’s bad for kids. Apparently, she is unaware that the word “parent” is defined, in part, as one who monitors what their children watch. Taking away something because you don’t think the content is appropriate? That, darlin’, is called “censorship.”
Coolest Idea: A&E’s BATES MOTEL is asking fans to create the show’s opening credits.
Smartest People: Riot police had to be called in when folks in Bahrain protested Kim Kardashian’s visit. Dumbest people? Those who paid the equivalent of $1,300 to watch the socialite open a milkshake shop. Seriously.