Most Fitting Finale: Hats off to Tina Fey and Co. for wrapping up 30 ROCK’s seven season run on an absurdly hilarious and surprising heartfelt note.
Most Manipulative: We all know THE BACHELOR’s bitchy Tierra doesn’t have a shot at walking away with Sean’s heart… and so does she. But that doesn’t mean she’s not willing to let herself be portrayed in the worst possible light in exchange for her 15 minutes of fame.
Most Shameless: In what some have called a desperate ratings stunt, this week’s episode of GLEE saw the writer’s shamelessly take advantage of its most eye-pleasing collection of student bodies to date by forcing the cast to strip down to raise money so that New Directions could compete at Regionals. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
Least Eloquent Response: Upon learning that folks were petitioning to have him dumped from an episode of LAW & ORDER: SVU, convicted rapist Mike Tyson said, “I didn’t rape nobody or do anything like that.”
Show A Whole Lotta Folks Will Only Tune Into Once: Anybody else suspect that TOP HOOKER get big ratings upon debuting… only to fall off once men discover the Animal Planet series is actually about fishing?
Creepiest Kill: With apologies to THE FOLLOWING, Sunday’s shocking death of Lady Sybil on DOWNTON ABBEY from Preeclampsia was not only the week’s most unexpected death, but most unsettling as well.
Tackiest Programming Move: On the eve of this year’s Grammys, CBS will air a special titled “The Grammys Will Go On: A Death In The Family” focusing on how Whitney Houston’s passing impacted last year’s ceremony.
Faux Movie We’d Totally Watch: “Hey,” said FAMILY GUY’s Peter this week, “was Beowulf a Teen Wolf sequel starring Scott Baio?”
Biggest Mystery: If SCANDAL’s hiss-worthy villain Hollis wasn’t behind the attempted assassination of President Fitz… who was?
Worst Fake-Out: GREY’S ANATOMY ran ads making it look as if Meredith might lose the baby. In reality? The baby kicked. Seriously.
Lamest Obstacle: Was GOOD WIFE turned great lawyer Alicia Florrick seriously surprised that she would have to raise some major capitol in order to buy into a partnership position at Lockhart Gardner?
Dead Horse That People Won’t Stop Beating: Now, Dustin Hoffman is blaming not only PETA but the folks at TMZ for the cancellation of HBO’s LUCK.
Best Tagline: The new ad-campaign for A&E’s Psycho prequel, BATES MOTEL, features the words, “A Boys Best Friend Is His Mother.”
Biggest National Disgrace: Quick, name three issues President Obama made clear during his inaugural speech that he wants to address in his second term in office. Now, name the singer whose lip-syncing has been endlessly covered by the media over the two weeks since the inauguration. Yeah, thought as much.
Least Likely To Move On: AMERICAN IDOL reject Cory Clark — he of the undisclosed police record and Paula Abdul affair claims — is suing the show (again) for… oh, does it really matter? 10 years later, he’s still singing the same sad tune.
Most Obvious Pandering: Sure, we liked SURVIVOR’s Malcolm well enough. But what was with TV Guide’s Michael Logan breathlessly dubbing the dude “one of the most popular players in” the show’s history and “a reality superstar” in a single paragraph… about his one-day stint on THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL?
Show You’ll No Doubt Be Trash-Talking This Summer: A chatfest hosted by Kris Jenner — aka mama Kardashian — will get a “trial run” later this year.
Least Flattering Comparison: THE HILLS fakers Heidi and Spencer Pratt apparently fancy themselves “the new Posh and Becks.” Because placing second on CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER is right up there with being internationally known for your actual achievements.
Freakiest Triangle: What’s weirder than playing gay for two years ala THE FOLLOWING’s Paul and Jacob? Paul’s apparent inability to separate fact from fiction when it comes to his jealousy of Jacob!