Least Likely To Be In On A Joke: ABC’s Scranton affiliate won’t run an ad for the fictional Dunder Mifflin paper company during the Oscars because it doesn’t want to promote NBC’s THE OFFICE. You know, a show that’s about to end and therefore presents no future threat to their ratings?
Most Coveted Import: Forget those “reports” that Welsh hunk Tom Ellis was going to help DOWNTON ABBEY’s Lady Mary get over Matthew’s death. TVLine says that instead, he’ll be heading to the spook opera GOTHICA.
Best Flashback: Longtime GENERAL HOSPITAL viewers are thrilled that everything old is new again now that the show is revisiting the legendary Luke/Laura/Scott triangle.
Why We Are Terrible People: Fine, we’ll admit it… the Radaronline.com claim that THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS producers are working overtime to get LeAnn Rimes to join the cast (which would put the current Mrs. Eddie Cibrian on the same show as the former title holder whom he dumped for her) made us damn near giddy. Go ahead, sue us. (No wait, don’t, Adrianne Maloof!)
Most Awkward Twist: For the second time, SURVIVOR’s Francesca was the first person voted off by her tribe. (On the plus side, she at least got to hear Phillip pronounce her name correctly before leaving!)
Biggest Spanking: THE VAMPIRE DIARIES actually beat both ABC and NBC in the coveted youth demo. And let’s face it, nobody gives a crap what anybody over the age of 35 watches.
Most Likely Sight Of The Next Bloodbath: NBC placed fifth during the all-important February sweeps, having been beaten by basically everyone… including Univision. What comes next? Trust us, it won’t be pretty.
Spin-off That’s Just Waiting To Happen: SCANDAL introduced the Caldwells, a, um, scandal-plagued political family (with Eric Mabius and Sam Page as brothers) we’d tune in every week to see!
Favorite Recurring Joke: On GREY’S ANATOMY, we can’t help feeling sorry for Heather. Who, you might ask? You know, the one whose name nobody can remember, but Yang nicknamed “Mousy!”
Silliest Whining: Did Sean really try to sell us on how hard it is to be THE BACHELOR? Dig a ditch, then come tell us about hard, dude.
Most Overdue Apology: SHAHS OF SUNSET’s wildly annoying Lilly, taken to task for having suggested a person could get AIDS from a swimsuit — said on the reunion show that she was “mortified that I helped further the stigma of AIDS.”
Saddest Broken Record: Remember last week, when ZERO HOUR had ABC’s lowest-ever in-season debut of a scripted show? Yeah, this week, it fell 21 percent. So, Anthony Edwards… what’s your next project gonna be?
Least Shocking Shocker Ever: Thanks to the lag time between when DOWNTON ABBEY airs overseas and when it airs here, approximately three of the 8.2 million viewers watching were positively stunned when poor Matthew bit the dust.
Most Ridiculously Talked About, Least Interesting TV News Ever: Somebody you like has been cast in a pilot directed by someone you’ve probably heard of… and it will probably never actually be aired on television given the ratio of pilots-made to shows-ordered.
Most Inescapable Commercial: Yes, GOLDEN BOY’s Theo James is ridiculously hot. But must we see him parading his stripped-down self on our TV’s every five minutes? Then again… er… never mind.