Biggest Question: “He’s the worst federal agent I’ve ever met!” declared SURVIVOR’s Corinne of Phillip. “What cases did he crack? Like, what cases was he working on? And is that why our country is in such a mess?”
Most Intriguing New Character: Why REVENGE saddled Emily’s stepbrother with the name Eli we’re not sure, but he’s already proving to be a great addition.
Best Cliffhanger: Before being bumped from the airwaves for two days of March Madness, THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS celebrated its 40th anniversary by having the reception of newly-remarried Nikki and Victor threatened by both a bomb and a gun-toting baddie!
Queen Most In Need Of Dethroning: How the heck did Ivy Winters get booted from RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE before Roxxxy Andrews, who strutted the runway look like a piece of discarded bubble gum and had a stinker of a perfume ad?
Silliest Defense: Nominated to be booted from HELL’S KITCHEN, Jeremy, apparently not realizing he was on a show that at least pretends to be about cooking, said he deserved to stay because he’d helped his teammates over a wall during a challenge that had as much to do with being a great chef as does one’s ability to shout obscenities and then demand respect ala star Gordon Ramsay.
Most Intriguing Premise: ABC’s summer series MOTIVE is a crime show which reveals the killer and victim at the beginning of each episode before working backwards to reveal how they’re connected.
Best Fight: Both New York City and Los Angeles are working hard at keeping THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO in their towns.
Saddest Anniversary: The brilliant sci-fi series FARSCAPE got the axe ten years ago this week. As the character’s would say, “Who the frell made that moronic decision?”
Most Obvious Correlation: Want viewers to continue tuning in? Prove to them you’re as committed as you want them to be. Just ask the folks at CSI, who saw their ratings go up 21 percent after the network announced it would be sticking around for another year!
Best Campaign We Wish Weren’t Necessary: ABC’s running ads asking viewers to help save the best sitcom most people aren’t watching, HAPPY ENDINGS.
Most Faux Controversy: Fox News personalities spent two days ranting and raving about the AMAZING RACE’s stop in Vietnam, then reported on their own outrage as if it was a genuine news story.
Weirdest Entrance Music: As D-listers prepared to dive on SPLASH, “songs” were sung about them with such lyrics as “Damn girl! Rudy’s all grown up!” (for former COSBY kid Keshia Knight Pullam) and “Don’t look away to fast or you’ll miss his big ol’ splash” (for plus-sized contestant Louie Anderson).
Least Likely To Learn Their Lesson: Apparently forgetting the uproar that arose around their attempt to mount a special based on the O.J. Simpson-penned “If I Did It,” Fox is returning to the exploitation well for a mini-series based on the book “The Run Of His Life: The People Vs. O.J. Simpson.”
News We’re Surprisingly Bummed About: Summer’s guiltiest pleasure, BACHELOR PAD, won’t be airing this year.
News We’re Ashamed To Be Excited About: Lifetime perhaps predictably announced they’ll be turning the Jodi Arias story into a movie.