Lamest “Cliffhanger”: When HELL’S KITCHEN flashed “To Be Continued” at the end of this week’s episode just as foul-mouthed chef Gordon Ramsay was set to announce who’d been eliminated, we were the ones cursing up a blue streak.
Most Disappointing Finale: After an entire season of build-up, the “showdown” between THE WALKING DEAD’s Woodbury and the prison gang was only epic in the way that it failed to deliver.
Least Surprising Renewal: GAME OF THRONES will be back for a fourth season.
Least Surprising Renewal II: VIKINGS will be back for a second season on History.
Most Overused Words: In the wake of critic Roger Ebert’s passing, social media sites exploded with endless, inevitable variations of his catchphrase, “Two thumbs down.”
Best Mate Ever: Neil Patrick Harris’ beau, David Burtka, cinched this one by sending his true love on a cross-country birthday treasure hunt that has included his performing with Cirque Du Soleil and winning $215 on a penny slot machine.
Most Depressing Story: A 5th person has come forward to accuse Kevin Clash — aka Elmo — of doing a whole lot more than tickling them.
Best Return, Daytime Division: After an absence of 10 years, GENERAL HOSPITAL’s fictional staff at long last brought the Nurses Ball back to singing, dancing life!
Poorest Famous Person: TMZ reported that in legal documents, GAME OF THRONES star Lena Headey claims to have less than five bucks in the bank. Apparently, acting isn’t the great-paying gig we heard it was!
Obligatory Awards Season News: It was announced that on Sunday, June 16, the Daytime Emmys will once again be broadcast live from L.A. on HLN.
Strangest Argument: The Atlantic Wire pointed out that the latest blame game being played among conservative pundits is to accuse our bestie, television — and shows like FRIENDS or WILL & GRACE — of being responsible for so many people now supporting marriage equality. Of course, this argument would seem to suggest that in 20 years, shows such as AMERICAN IDOL and AMERICA’S GOT TALENT will have trained us to believe that bad singing is awesome.
Biggest Amalgamation Of Clichés: According to Deadline.com, SyFy is developing a series featuring a disaster (meteor strike), a plan crash, sleep walking, amnesia, government conspiracies and people trying to prove their innocence.
Best Excuse: When an ad for THE WALKING DEAD misidentified what network several competing shows were on, the folks at AMC explained that their fact-checking department had been overrun by brain-eating zombies!
Funnest Titles: Whoever’s naming programs at the Investigation Discovery channel deserves a raise after cooking up such attention-getters as EVIL-IN-LAW, FEAR THY NEIGHBOR, WIVES WITH KNIVES and SOUTHERN FRIED HOMICIDE.
Our New Favorite Network: USA has apparently expressed an interest in picking up HAPPY ENDINGS in the event that ABC cancels the sitcom.
Most Overexposed: FLIPPING OUT star Jeff Lewis is getting a third show on Bravo, who apparently are determined to prove that you really can get too much of a not-so-great-to-begin-with thing.
Weirdest Development: TLC has recruited five new “stars” for BREAKING AMISH, while the original cast will — seriously — be spun-off into an offering titled BREAKING AMISH: A BRAVE NEW WORLD. One more Amish show, and we’ll officially have a trend.
Grossest Exploitation: One of Bravo’s 17 new reality shows — yes, you read that, 17 — is titled EXTREME GUIDE TO PARENTING which each week takes a “candid look at two different households with very unique styles of raising their children” including “severe punishment.” Oh, and it’s brought to you by Punched In The Head productions. Yeah, these kids won’t need therapy.
Best Transition: MSNBC seamlessly morphed weekend punditfest UP WITH CHRIS HAYES into a nightly hour titled ALL IN WITH CHRIS HAYES, earning big points with the liberal host’s fanbase and their no-longer-awakened-at-the-ungodly-hour-of-8 a.m.-on-Saturday-and-Sunday-morning spouses.
Most Surprising Numbers: We finally know the answer to that whole “What would Jesus do?” question. Apparently, he — and a whole lot of his brethren — would watch History’s THE BIBLE, which brought in 11.7 million viewers for its final episode. Here’s hoping somebody out there is penning a sequel to the source material! THE BIBLE 2: This Time, It’s Personal!
Our Favorite New Drinking Game: During a fight with wife Katie, THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL’s Bill began to do a shot every time his spouse said the word “no.” Perhaps predictably, this led to a car accident, the apparent end of his marriage and his making out with hot-to-trot sister-in-law, Brooke!
Most Likely To Beat A Dead Horse: TMZ reports that Donald Trump filed papers to have his lawsuit against Bill Maher — you know, in which he demanded $5 million for the comedian having called him a monkey’s spawn — dismissed. Why? “The lawsuit was temporarily withdrawn to be amended and refilled at a later date,” says a member of the worst coiffed man in America’s legal team.
Most Tragic Tale: In the wake of the death of a contestant on France’s version of SURVIVOR, the show’s guilt-ridden medical advisor apparently committed suicide.