Quickest Turnaround: Lifetime will air “Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret” — a movie covering the titular character’s murder of Travis Alexander — on June 22, just a month after her conviction.
Biggest Surprise: ELEMENTARY opted not to end their first season on a cliffhanger.
Unhappiest Fans: Despite early buzz that HAPPY ENDINGS would be picked up by another outlet if ABC axed the series, it’s now looking as if the show might be dead in the water.
Unkindest Cut: Only two weeks after ALL MY CHILDREN and ONE LIFE TO LIVE hit Hulu with new episodes airing four days a week, production company Prospect Park announced that starting Monday, the soaps will only air twice a week.
Best Showdown: Literally an entire season in the making, Calzona’s GREYS ANATOMY blowout was a stunner.
Worst Trend: Brian Grazer indicated that producers of the FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS movie might ask fans to help fund the movie. Isn’t that called “buying a ticket?”
Most Expensive Cheap Thrill: A painting of Bea Arthur in the buff sold for $2 million.
Best Win: Seeing geeky underdog Cochran walk away the winner of SURVIVOR — with not a single vote cast for either of the ladies who joined him in the final three — did our heart good.
Least Dangerous Scuffle: DOCTOR WHO fans got into a fight with STAR WARS fans in London. Although police were called, nobody was injured in the melee. Apparently, their phasers were set on “geek.” What, phasers aren’t from one of those shows? Eh. Sue us.
Simplest Game-changer: With one word — “Dad?” — SCANDAL connected dots that left the heads of viewers going Boom!
Oddest Boob Job: Jennifer Love Hewitt told Conan that a billboard for her series THE CLIENT LIST elicited complaints which led to her image being given a breast reduction. Seriously.
Biggest Fraud: After relentlessly advertising his interview with a woman who’d faked a pregnancy and “borrowed” a child to keep her boyfriend — and running said interview during May’s all-important sweeps period — Dr. Phil had the unmitigated gall to tell her, “I hate to burst your bubble, but I don’t need you for ratings.”
Best Promotional Tool: In conjunction with the eagerly-awaited return of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, Netflix revealed that Tobias — the would-be actor and nevernude with a penchant for not hearing the double entendre’s he speaks — has a website on which you can watch his audition reel. It’s name? InsertMeAnywhere.Biz.
Most Ironic Title: After her Kickstarter campaign raised only $51,000 of the $2 million she was seeking, Melissa Joan Hart was forced to dump plans for the flick Darci’s Walk Of Shame.
Worst Week Haver: Norma, owner of the BATES MOTEL, continues to be the most problem-plagued character on TV. This week, her business was invaded by pot-smoking hippies, she was stalked by a crazy man and — because when it rains it pours — she got a parking ticket!
Why There’s Hope For Us As A Nation Yet: The premiere of BREAKING AMISH: A BRAVE NEW WORLD as a big, fat ratings turkey.
Most Satisfying Finale: After a year that left a whole lot of viewers considering breaking out a red sharpie to cross REVENGE off their viewing list, the sudser closed out the season with a strong ending and multiple cliffhangers.
Longest Wedding: CBS confirmed that HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER’s 9th season will all unfold over a single weekend during which Ted and the title character are set to exchange vows.
Most Wince-worthy Moment: GAME OF THRONES did what to Theon Geryjoy’s you know what?!?!?! Suffice it to say, it’s been almost a week and we’re still not over it. And speaking of things we’re still not over…
Saddest Death: Tommy Merlyn’s untimely demise on this week’s amazing ARROW season finale left us with a helluva lot of questions: Namely, which show is going to be the first to snap up the deserving Colin Donnell.
Most Wince-worthy Moment 2: During SURVIVOR’s reunion show, season one’s Rudy managed to use the word “queer” with regard to former islandmate Richard not once but twice.