This Week in No-Brainer Executive Decisions: High on the ratings of its summer series UNDER THE DOME, CBS — apparently not really getting the appeal of a story with a beginning, middle and end — confirmed there will be a second season.
Most Desperate Casting: Come on, Mindy Kaling! We know your show needs attention, but Kris Humphries? Really? We expect better of THE MINDY PROJECT. Although TVLine called this his “first scripted series gig,” we — having seen episodes of KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS — beg to differ.
Best Bait-And-Switch: DAYS OF OUR LIVES led viewers to think Kristen was going to blow Eric out of the water by revealing the sex tape she’d made with the sexy priest. Instead, Eric’s twin sister, Sami, was arrested because of a tape proving she’d lied to a grand jury!
Lamest Crossover: Are we really to believe that REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY’s Theresa just happened to turn to Dr V. of Bravo’s L.A. SHRINKS for help in dealing with her familial issues?
Best Exchange: Seeing as we got all excited about the birth of Kate’s baby this week, it seems only fair that on August 7, we’ll return the favor by letting them have a peek at our national obsession… SHARKNADO.
Worst Casting: Stephen Collins of 7TH HEAVEN will join REVOLUTION. Because, you know, they didn’t want to make things too exciting by casting someone with charisma.
Funnest Summer Outing: Go ahead, deny that you watched Disney’s TEEN BEACH MOVIE. Or that you know all the words to “Cruising For A Bruising.” But 8.4 million people tuned in, and you’ve got sand in your shorts. We’re just sayin’.
Sexiest Kidnapper: Is it wrong that we’re kind of jealous of THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS’ Lauren, who is currently being held hostage by her gorgeous ex-lover, Carmine?
Most Ironic Rebuffing: Although OJ Simpson reportedly wants to do ANGER MANAGEMENT, folks at that show insist it will never happen. After all, Charlie Sheen has a reputation to protect.
Biggest Load Of Crap: In discussing the cancellation of ENLIGHTENED, HBO claimed it was axed because of low ratings and a feeling that the lead character had completed her journey. Anybody else suspect that had the ratings been better, that journey would have been extended indefinitely?
Fake Movie We Most Want To Be Real: College Humor’s trailer for a live-action version of DARIA was better than any of the trailers for actual movies that were released this week. (LINK: http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6904493/daria-movie-trailer-with-aubrey-plaza?referer=http://wpcomwidgets.com/)
Most Doomed Engagement: THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL’s Hope yet again accepted Liam’s ring despite his still being married to her nemesis, Steffy. Oh, and did we mention Hope’s own flirtations with Liam’s newly-revealed half-brother, Wyatt?
News That Made Every 40something’s Inner Teenage Girl Scream In Delight: Lifetime announced it had cast Heather Graham and Ellen Burstyn in a small-screen version of the 1979 bestseller Flowers In The Attic, which came about as close as anything ever could to making the idea of incest palatable to a generation of breathless readers.
Speaking Of Incest… This Week’s Best Reveal: The fact that GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Kiki isn’t actually a Quartermaine has the power to impact several storylines on the canvas. But best of all, it means she isn’t actually lusting after her cousin, Michael, because they aren’t really related!
Deadliest Night: Sunday was a killer evening of TV, what with Bullet biting the dust on THE KILLING and Terry meeting an ironically supernatural-creature free death on TRUE BLOOD!