Least Shocking Return: Did anybody really think COVEN’s Madison was dead?
Best Bromance: Move over MODERN FAMILY, TROPHY WIFE’s Warren and Bert are the new Luke and Manny.
Strangest Story-Point: Lost amidst the awesomeness that has been this fifth season of THE GOOD WIFE is the silliness surrounding Alicia’s son. Which is to say, are we the only TV Addict who has noticed that a-little-too-tech-savvy-for-his-own-good Zach Florrick has quietly transformed into the show’s equivalent of STAR TREK’s Wesley Crusher?
Most Heartless Move: The BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL’s Bill dumped Brooke so he could get back together with his ex-wife… who happened to be her sister, Katie. Once Katie returned Bill’s company and son to him, he revealed he’d been playing her and intended to go back to her sister! (Props to Brooke, who actually slapped the louse and sent him on his way!)
Worst “Reality” Couple Since Heidi And Spencer: If there’s even the tiniest element of truth to what viewers see unfolding between Jax and Stassi on VANDERPUMP RULES, they need to be put into therapy immediately. Or taken out behind the woodshed and flogged.
Lamest Reinvention: The 29th season of THE REAL WORLD, clearly looking to amp up the drama, will feature seven housemates whose exes unexpectedly move in one month into their stay.
Why We Have Goosebumps: The CW is planning to reboot the classic schlockfest TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE.
Least Deserved Axing: Why is Kamau Bell’s fantastic TOTALLY BIASED being blamed for getting low ratings since the boneheaded decision to move it to FXX, the least-needed channel in recent memory?
Most Likely To Replace Coal As What Bad Children Will Be Gifted With This Christmas: Three days before Christmas, E! will air a documentary on Britney Spears. We’ll skip it and just wait for THE SOUP’s Joel McHale to mock the highlights.
Having The Best Week Ever: Wanda Sykes will not only produce NBC’s LAST COMIC STANDING when it returns next summer, but OWN also picked up two more editions of “Wanda Sykes Presents Herlarious.”
Best Reward: Given how fantastically he performed during Jon Stewart’s extended DAILY SHOW break, it’s not a bit surprising that John Oliver has been offered his own similar show by HBO.
Least Shocking Guest: News that Stevie Nicks — who has played a major role in this season’s COVEN despite never actually appearing on screen — will do a cameo shocked approximately three people in Tennessee who’d never heard of the series.
Worst Mother: Sure, GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Franco tormented Carly’s friends and loved ones for years, but he saved her son from drowning and is, like, wicked hot, so of course she had to forgive him. And by “forgive” we mean have sex with.
Most Overwrought Storyline: It’s official… production company Prospect Park’s lawsuit against ABC regarding the twice-axed soaps ALL MY CHILDREN and ONE LIFE TO LIVE has — with this week’s latest round of accusations — become juicier than anything in either of the reboots.
Least Surprising Ending: Was anybody really surprised when it turned out that GREY’S ANATOMY’s Leah was in the bathroom when Callie made her big “come home” plea to Arizona?
Nastiest Battle: You might be a soap opera baby if the custody battle over you features both of your would-be mommies being accused or murder during the hearing… right, GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Connie?