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Best Couple Update: Both Patrick Dempsey and Ellen Pompeo signed on for two more seasons of GREY’S ANATOMY, which was good news to fans of MerDer.

Ickiest Quote: “I don’t care what he does with his penis,” said THE TASTE’s Anthony Bourdain of his protégé’s showmance, “as long as he doesn’t stick it in the soup!”

Least Sought After Show: Apparently, less than 350,000 watched HBO’s LOOKING, about gay pals in San Francisco. TALES OF THE CITY, it’s not!

Best Kiss: At last! Those of us who’ve been shipping THE MINDY PROJECT’s Danny and Mindy got the swoon-worthy buss we’ve been waiting for!

Saddest Truth-Telling: David Lynch revealed that despite rumors, there are no plans for TWIN PEAKS to return. Sigh.

Life(time) Lesson: With 6.1 million tuning in to FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC, the network proved that sex sells… even if it’s between siblings!

Most Anticipated Comeback: Bill Cosby is teaming with COSBY SHOW producer Tom Werner for a new NBC sitcom.

Club We Can’t Wait To Join: American Hustle director David O. Russell is reportedly developing a show for ABC described as “an upstairs/downstairs soap centered on a private country club.” We’re filling out our applications for membership as you read this!

Most Hypocritical Statement: Producers of THE BACHELOR were quick to slam Juan Pablo’s remarks about America not being ready for a gay bachelor… despite their own blindness when it comes to diverse casting proving that whether the country is ready or not, they certainly aren’t.

Worst Role Model: TEEN MOM 2 will return with an episode in which Jenelle Evans gets an abortion, having gotten pregnant not once but twice between seasons four and five.

Best Tagline: Ads for HANNIBAL’s new season read, “Prepare for the second course.”

Why Elderly Actors Are Thrilled: GETTING ON — the wonderfully dreary HBO comedy about life for the staff and patients at an extended geriatric care facility — is on the verge of being renewed. Roll grandma over for the auditions!

Best Promotion: GENERAL HOSPITAL’s dastardly doctor Obrecht went from internationally-reviled criminal to chief of staff at the titular institution!

Least Original Idea: THE BIG BANG THEORY’s Johnny Galecki has sold Fox a show about a 30-something who lives with his mom. Howard Wolowitz, is that you? (On the plus side, we’ll definitely see the mom, as she’ll be played by Jane Kaczmarek!

Coolest Location Shoot: THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL’s Wyatt packed would-be girlfriend Hope into a shiny, silver Airstream for a road trip.

Biggest Double-Whammy For Soap Fans: Hot on the heels of news that GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Kimberly McCullough (aka recently-back-from-the-dead Robin) would soon exit the sudser again came the stunner that DAYS OF OUR LIVES’ Alison Sweeney (aka hostess of THE BIGGEST LOSER) will later this year pack it in after having played uber-vixen Sami for over two decades!

Least Newsworthy News Break: Many markets across the country interrupted regular program for updates on outta-control-teen Justin Bieber’s legal problems.

Coolest Trailer: WGN released the first official look at its new series SALEM, and all we’re already all in!

Proof America Is Getting Smarter: The ratings for DUCK DYNASTY continue to fall.

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