Funnest Cameo: Patti Lupone’s appearance grounded what may have been the strongest episode of GIRLS so far this season.
Creepiest Sibling: Poor Clare’s hometown date with THE BACHELOR was nearly done in by her overprotective sis, Laura.
Best Slam: “Oh, here we go. ‘Love isn’t a game’ say the guys that always win,” declared COMMUNITY’s Ian to Joel. “And now you want you want to go pull a Dane Cook in one of those three movies he was in about Dane Cook getting laid by accident. Only it’s not a Dane Cook movie, Jeff, because this time… someone’s watching.”
Least Classy Response: Addressing rumors that she’d be playing Tinker Bell on NBC’s upcoming live version of “Peter Pan,” Miley Cyrus said it was a lie and that she “would rather choke on [her] on tongue.” Hey, don’t let us stop you, lady!
Loveliest Parting Shot: If watching Carson and Mrs. Hughes hold hands as they waded into the ocean on DOWNTON ABBEY didn’t give you the sniffles, you may not have a heart.
Worst Concept: Be honest… could you really tell the difference between the three tribes — Beauty, Brain and Brawn — on SURVIVOR? As Kass said at one point, “How did we come up with the criteria for brains? I’d like to see that data!”
Best Musical Number: THE CRAZY ONES might not be great television, but this week’s episode-ending version of “All That Jazz” was pretty dang awesome.
Coolest Transformation: A few weeks ago, THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL’s Aly was practically a wallflower. Thanks to a makeover and a well-kept secret, Aly has bloomed into a raving beauty with rage issues, and portrayer Ashlyn Pearce has become a shining star!
Silliest Thing To Make A Lot Of People Happy: It took until season 3, but the folks behind TNT’s version of DALLAS finally got the opening credits right!
Best Scene Stealer: SCANDAL may be all about Olivia and Fitz, but any time Joe Morton’s Rowan gives an epic rant like this week’s, which we’ve dubbed “The Run Monologue,” he wins everything.
Most Timely Return: GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Ric showed up just as his teenage daughter is experimenting with sex and his nemesis/brother, Sonny, is facing a major threat to his criminal empire! (It doesn’t hurt that ex-wife Liz is in major need of some loving!)
Most Logical Explanation: According to CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin, the Supreme Court doesn’t want cameras in the courtroom because… wait for it… wait for it… they fear being mocked by THE DAILY SHOW’s Jon Stewart. Honestly? It’s why we don’t allow cameras in our newsroom. That and the fact we don’t actually have one.
Best Double Play: Guilty pleasure RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE extended its season by having two sets of drag queens compete for the honor of making the final cut.
Sexiest Cheater: John Ross might follow in his daddy’s legendary shoes when it comes to lovin’ the ladies, but even ol’ JR would have to give his DALLAS son props for looking so good while being so bad.