Best Breakdown: Cyrus losing it while informing the White House press corp that James’ killer supposedly had been caught reduced a whole lotta SCANDAL fans to tearful puddles.
Most Predictable: Bickering sisters forced to work together. Fat kid who rises to the challenge. Meek dude who’s actually a mastermind. CRISIS has as many clichés as it does castmembers.
Why Are Fingers Are Crossed So Tight They Hurt: In the wake of a Slate article suggesting HBO should consider bringing back the one-season wonder that was 2005’s THE COMEBACK, buzz has it that the net is considering doing exactly that! To paraphrase Lisa Kudrow’s Valerie Cherish, “Note to self: I do want to see that!”
Best Rule Breaker: You can’t kill children on television… unless you’re THE WALKING DEAD, which offed two adorable tots in one episode!
Better Than Nothing: It looks as if USA’s WHITE COLLAR will return, but only for six episodes. Hey, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!
Least Likely To Succeed: After airing only one poorly-received episode, A&E pulled the pug on BREAKING BOSTON, a show about… eh, what does it really matter?
Most Shocking Kiss: Footage of PARKS & RECREATION’s Leslie Knope and Ron Swanson making out — shot for the blooper real — never wound up being shown because, as her portrayer Amy Poehler says, “it’s super disturbing.”
Best Drunk Talk: THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL’s Brooke chugged from a bottle of vodka while having an on-going discussion with a portrait of her late, longtime frenemy, Stephanie. After declaring her nemesis had been write to brand her “that slut from the Valley,” Brooke capped off a deliriously delicious episode by collapsing in a drunken heap.
Why We’re So Darned Proud Of You: While nearly 12 million of you were watching DUCK DYNASTY last year, the most recent episode couldn’t even pull in 5 million viewers. Kudos, you!
Least Reliable Result: Sure, a doctor told DAYS OF OUR LIVES’ Abigail that she’s not actually pregnant with married man EJ’s baby. But seeing as said doc then placed a call to EJ’s dad — who happens to be the most meddlesome mastermind to ever hit Salem — we suspect the proverbial rabbit really did bite the dust!
Sudsiest Feud: Exiting GENERAL HOSPITAL star Sean Kanan (soon-to-be-ex A.J.) dissed the show’s storytelling, and head writer Ron Carlivati in turn tweeted that the actors remarks were “like school in the summertime. No class.” Sounds like they need to use some of those hospital beds for mandatory naptime.
Worst Dad: THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS’ Neil continued to try and push daughter Lily into working with/forgiving Hilary. You know, the woman who tried to drug and seduce her husband and put their entire family through hell. It’s almost enough to make you wonder if recovering alcoholic Neil’s back to hitting the sauce!
Easiest Sell: Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda as rivals whose husbands fall in love and get married? The upcoming Netflix series GRACE AND FRANKIE can’t get here soon enough.
Most Likely To Succeed: SURVIVOR’s move to Wednesday means that for the first time, its finale will go head-to-head with that of AMERICAN IDOL. Something tells us Fox will wind up singing the blues give that its former powerhouse hasn’t been shown much love from the prized demo this season.
Saddest Death: TEEN WOLF twisted a familiar adage by using Allison’s passing to prove that she who lives by the bow-and-arrow dies by the… sword. It sounded better in our head.
Oddest Product Placement: Starbucks will begin selling Oprah Chai Tea. No, seriously. Of course, if they really want it to sell, they’ll make sure to have quotes from Tyler Perry shows on the tea tags.
Least Surprising Success: Notorious loudmouth Alec Baldwin did a great job at playing a jerk on LAW & ORDER: SVU. Typecasting, anyone?
Least Shocking Shocker: Seeing as we never actually saw THE FOLLOWING’s Claire die, it wasn’t terribly surprising when she popped back up this week.
Costliest Gesture: After originally asking for $1.5 million, the NFL is now saying rapper M.I.A. should cough up $16.6 million because of all the “free exposure” the woman we still couldn’t pick out of a crowd supposedly got by flashing her middle finger during the Super Bow.
Least Revealing Reveal: AMERICAN HORROR STORY scribe Doug Petrie confirmed what we pretty much all already knew… that the new season will take place at a carnival.
Joke That Writes Its Self: TEEN MOM star Farrah Abraham released a music video for her song “Blowin’.” Have at it, kids.