Best Reunion: At long last, Arya and Needle found their way back together on GAME OF THRONES.
Family Reunion Most Likely To Have A Body Count: Hold up… so GENERAL HOSPITAL’s babynapping, nurse-shooting, Faison-loving Obrecht is the sister of baby-killing, daughter-drugging, Silas-loathing Madeline? To quote Steel Magnolias, head writer Ron Carlivati is “too twisted for color TV.” And we mean that in the best possible way.
Why You Must Now Join Instagram: FAMILY GUY’s Peter has begun posting pictures… including of his slumbering wife (#uglysleeper) and himself on vacation (#morningtequila #throwupburps).
Why You Shouldn’t Get So Frackin’ Excited: Yes, there is a BATTLESTAR GALACTICA movie in the works. No, it’s not connected to the awesome SyFy series, but rather the cartoonish original ABC version.
Best Extended Stay: A&E picked up BATES MOTEL for a third season.
Worst Trend: Teachers might wanna start learning how to spell “Khalessi,” because apparently, a whole lotta parents are naming their children after the GAME OF THRONES character.
Least Likely To Fat-Shame: Jillian Michaels wants to quit THE BIGGEST LOSER because of the way the show treats contestants, reports People magazine.
Best New Ad Campaign: Who hasn’t said everything uttered by the JetBlue birds while flying across the country?
Most Pointless Competition: Seriously… would you ever want to eat food prepared by any of the crass folks — who can’t even sear a scallop — fighting to triumph in HELL’S KITCHEN?
Best Save: VH-1 may have axed SINGLE LADIES, but a fourth season will be done by BET!
Most Prescient Show: No sooner did SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE perform a sketch in which Fox News hosts referred to the NCAA as the NAACP than a FOX & FRIENDS host declared the Huskies “NAACP national champs.”
Lamest Cliffhanger: Ooooh! Oliver Chapman is alive! Or, as many REVENGE fans said regarding the final scene of an incredibly boring episode, “Who?”
Tackiest Move: Leave it to the New York Post to run pics of Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ butt on their cover. Because, you know, her getting a tattoo is big news.
Least Likely To Have Self-Esteem Issues: “If any person in the world could, you know, decide to be ugly or cute,” said SURVIVOR’s self-declared beauty Morgan, “most would pick cute.”
Most Likely To Dispute The Above Claim: Rob Lowe told The New York Times Magazine “There’s this unbelievable bias and prejudice against quote-unquote good-looking people.”
Most Ludicrous Over-Reaction: Rush Limbaugh declared that by making Stephen Colbert their late-night host, CBS had “declared war on the heartland of America.”
Coolest Challenge: Responding to news that Stephen Colbert would be taking over David Letterman’s slot, fellow late-nighter Jimmy Fallon said, “there’s not going to be a war. It’s going to be a dance-off!”
Quickest Break-Up: First NEW GIRL’s Jess and Nick, now THE MINDY PROJECT’s Danny and Mindy? We’re gonna need a whole lot more ice cream, ’cause we’re binge-eating on their behalves!
Best Tagline: In teasing next week’s literally explosive finale, SCANDAL warned, “Watch it live Thursday, or hate yourself Friday.”