Biggest Shock: GAME OF THRONES author Geroge R.R. Martin wasn’t kidding around when he wrote, “When you play a game of thrones you win or you die.”
Even Bigger Shocker: That those who had already read the books managed to keep mum when it came Sunday’s shocking GAME OF THRONES murder! Seriously, we tip our hats to you friends.
Hastiest Exit: And just like that, THE GOOD WIFE’s Damian (and portrayer Jason O’Mara) were gone.
Lamest Character: Best reaction: Who among us hasn’t wanted to, like Alicia, climb under the covers and escape life’s problems? OR: What was up with Damians exit??? Did he serve any purpose at all?
Best Crossover: The REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS visiting their New York City gal pals was worthwhile if only to hear the hysterical story about Heather’s encounter with an Elvis impersonator.
Most Daring Joke: Former president Bill Clinton actually said, “I was always accused of getting away with murder, but [HOUSE OF CARDS star Kevin] Spacey actually does it!”
Last To Know: CNN actually ran a banner reading, “BREAKING NEWS: Titanic sunk 102 years ago tonight.”
Best Tribute: In honor of SEINFELD’s 25th anniversary this July, the Brooklyn Cyclones will don puffy shirts, temporarily rename their stadium Vanerlay Industries Park, have a uniformed mailman throw out the first pitch and hold an Elaine-inspired bad dancing contest.
Most In Need Of Remedial Math Lessons: Fox News pundit Bill O’Reilly fretted that the “40 percent of Americans who describe themselves as Conservative” wouldn’t watch Stephen Colbert’s late night show. Which would, by that logic, leave the new host with only 60 percent of the audience as potential viewers. Would would, by that logic, by that logic, be 20 percent more than have watched O’Reilly’s show over the years.
Biggest Mistake: Sorry, Ru. As much as we love you, it should have been Joslyn sashaying away at the end of this week’s RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE, not Trinity (or fellow bottom dweller Adore). Trinity’s shown incredible growth over the past few weeks, while the only thing Joslyn’s gotten better at is making herself a target for Bianca’s barbs.
Deadest Zone: Despite getting its lowest ratings ever, SURVIVOR managed to win Wednesday night’s ratings race thanks to a complete and utter lack of competition.
Worst Timing: Just as ABC’s heavily-advertised BLACK BOX prepared to launch, a lawsuit was filed claiming executive producer Bryan Singer drugged and sexually abused a minor back in 1999.
Biggest Whiner: While we’re already mourning next week’s departure of Christina from GREY’S ANATOMY, we’re way past ready for April to exit.
Silliest Backlash: Had SCANDAL ended the season with the death of Fitz and Mellie’s son and someone saying, “We’re going to win now,” everyone would have called it shocking. Because those events happened at the halfway point of the episode, pundits declared the actual ending a snooze.
The “Take That, HBO!” Award Goes To… : ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK creator Jenji Kohan, who says season two will feature some “male frontal nudity.” In response, everyone at GAME OF THRONES spoke of winter coming and shrinkage.
Sexiest Hoarder: Thanks to the fact she never tossed the documents her sister was tricked into signing, it looks like THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL’s Brooke will be able to help lover Bill reclaim his empire and his son!
Dumbest Education Professionals: A New Jersey teacher was suspended after it was determined by superiors that he’d somehow threatened them by posting an image of his young daughter wearing a GAME OF THRONES t-shirt bearing Daenerys Targaryen’s quote, “I Will Take What Is Mine With Fire And Blood.”
Least Surprising To Those In The Know: White House press secretary Jay Carney said that Jon Stewart of THE DAILY SHOW was the “toughest… most substantive” interview President Obama gave during the 2012 election cycle.
Best Cliffhanger: THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS’ Nick finally caught sight of his dead-daughter’s doppelganger. Let the countdown to Victor’s comeuppance commence!