We start off…well, shoot. I’m already not liking this episode. It begins with Pike and Lisbon, with Lisbon coming down the stairs, her hair wet, clearly from a shower. They make smootchie noises, and Pike hands her a cup of coffee and “breakfast” which might be a protein bar? He gets a page and says it’s “work stuff” while Lisbon says she has to go into work. He wants to make plans for that night and asks her if it’s “weird” since they went out the night before. Yes, Lisbon, say it’s weird. But she doesn’t listen to me and says it’s not. Boo. He’ll be making “reservations.” She’s impressed with this. Look, I know Pike is a nice guy, but he’s not Jane, so… I’m hoping the episode improves.
Oh, good. We’re at the FBI offices. Jane, who looks like he’s been waiting right by the elevators for Lisbon, jumps out and says hi. “HeyJane!” she says, not sounding guilty at all. Lisbon must be thankful when Fischer, who also must have been waiting by the elevator, pounces on her as well. A body was found in the Sam Houston National Forest. Lisbon asks how far away it is. One-hundred and twenty miles is the answer. Lisbon tries to sound nonchalant and totally fine with this news, but good ol’ Jane says Lisbon has plans, and she’s worried she won’t get back in time. As Lisbon’s all “Nope! Not a problem!” Jane is busy getting a helicopter lined up and tells her to tell Pike he owes Jane one.
Sure enough, they land at the forest in the helicopter and are met by Ranger Green of the forestry service. The body is a Jane Doe, but they did find a cell phone about ten feet from her body. Green says that it didn’t seem like a hiking accident to her, and Jane points to the woman’s bare foot (no socks, no blisters), so she couldn’t have walked there. New off-brand sneakers and jeans. A face full of makeup. Expensive citrus and ginger shampoo (which he gets real up-close and personal with the corpse to find out), leads him to deduce she was a woman of slender means, going to meet someone she wanted to look good for. The only place for miles she could have come from is the ritzy Foragers’ club, but Ranger Green says the woman didn’t come from there, since all the female employees are accounted for, and it’s an all-male club. No women allowed.
Foragers’ Club, Hill County, Texas. Lisbon and Jane walk up to the camera outside the large gate, and ring the buzzer there. Lisbon flashes her badge and says she wants to talk to them. Normally the whole “FBI badge” thing would impress people, but not this guy, who wants to know what it’s about. Jane says, “One of your members murdered somebody. We’d like to talk to someone about that.” I love you, Jane. So much.
Kenyon Russell, the president of the Foragers’ Club, comes out to meet them. Just by the way he’s dressed and how he wears his hair, I’m suspicious of him. He gives them both fugly “guest” badges to wear (he wears a “staff one), because it’s the rule, and we all know how much Jane loves rules!
Lisbon immediately calls him on the “no woman allowed” thing, because she’s awesome like that, and Russell talks up how it’s a “brotherhood” and they’re not anti-female. Sure, guy. Whatever. I guess women are good enough to serve up the food but not to become members. See? I knew I didn’t like this guy.
Apparently the only exceptions to having women as guests is for First Ladies. Yeah. I’m sure it’s good PR for them to visit an all-male club. It’s so welcoming, too! Russell is still defending his club’s antiquated policies by explaining the members are judges, senators, CEOs. They’re successful, driven men who don’t have many places to completely relax. There’s no cell phones or “Twitter” allowed. They don’t like distractions. When Lisbon asks if women are a distraction, Russell once again deflects by calling it a “unique kind of camaraderie.” Wow. The euphemisms for “elitist, bigoted, jerks” just keep on coming! Jane’s BS meter goes off, and he takes time away from his snooping to give Russell an amused look.
Lisbon asks how the victim got on his property, but Russell insists she didn’t, or his security system would have picked her up. Lisbon shows him the dead woman’s picture, but he denies knowing her. Jane says it’s weird, since she was killed there, but if she’d been there, Russell would know. Russell acts all offended, until Jane pulls from his pocket, the badge Russell had given him (see? Jane and rules? They don’t mix). Anyway, he says the woman had two holes in her shirt that look like where the pinholes would be if she’d worn the badge. Russell things the pinholes thing is a “tenuous” theory, and I guess that word pushes all of Lisbon’s buttons, because she explodes on Russell, saying how they’re fifty miles from nowhere, and “that poor woman is dead outside your gate. Tenuous, it is not, sir. Now, I hope we can rely on your full cooperation!” You tell him, Lisbon! “Yes, ma’am” Russell responds, which is the only acceptable answer to a fired-up Lisbon. Jane takes this opportunity to tell Russell he’ll try to stop Lisbon from hurting anyone, but he can’t promise. Don’t try too hard, Jane.
As they walk out, Russell tells them they have someone from Silicone Valley coming to speak the next day about digital technology and the economy. Sounds exciting! Lisbon asks for a list of everyone who was there the night before. Russell, clearly not learning his lesson, tells her their membership list is confidential. Lisbon’s immediately “SUBPEONA!” but Russell takes a left turn at “don’t piss off the female FBI agent” and says what he was going to tell her was for them to use discretion. You know, if this guy told me water was wet, I wouldn’t believe it. He goes on that it’s for their own sake, since their members are so powerful and all. Lisbon tries not to roll her eyes. Russell directs them to the concierge, who will give them all the information they need.
As Jane and Lisbon turn to go, they hear, “Give it back!” and around the corner comes an employee, followed by a member of the club. The member, Marvin, was being naughty and using his cell phone. The employee confiscated it. Marvin says he was talking to his lawyer, and immediately proves the whole “women aren’t a distraction” thing wrong, when he catches sight of Lisbon and says “Who are you?” in his best Joey Tribbiani “How YOU dooin’?” impersonation. Lisbon identifies herself as FBI, and Marvin responds about the dead girl. He’s unimpressed that the first woman there in a hundred years is a fed. What about those First Ladies? And the chick who serves him his fois grois? Lisbon calls him a “charmer.” Russell says Marvin is one of their newer members and takes off. It should come as a surprise to no one who watches this show, that Jane is not interested in talking to the concierge and instead wants to take a walk. “Men’s stuff” he says. Hey, it’s Russell’s fault for leaving them unattended.
FBI offices. Abbott wants to know if they have an identity on the victim. Cho says nothing from fingerprints or facial recognition, and so far, the phone isn’t giving them anything, either. Fischer comes walking up to say they talked to the manager of a motel in the area (hey, wasn’t a big deal made about how the Foragers’ Club was the only building in existence for fifty miles?) Anyway, it seems the woman had checked in there the day before but never slept in her room. They sent her driver’s license, so I guess they have her identity now. It’s Madison Pryce of Austin. They called the apartment and got no answer, but the super says Pryce’s sister has been staying with her, so Cho goes to bring her in.
Back at the Den of Bigotry, Lisbon does go to see the concierge, Peter Kilgallen, who’s wearing a sweater vest, and he also has the same hair helmet Russell sports, so I don’t trust him, either.
He hands Lisbon the list. She asks if he knows the name Madison Pryce, and while his back is to her, his face is to the camera, and it seems he has a slight reaction to the name before professing he’s never heard of her in the five years since he’s been working there. When Lisbon asks what he does, he says he provides stuff for the “campers” (what they call their guests), such as really old wine and snake bite kits. He insists Lisbon is barking up the wrong tree and that Madison doesn’t have anything to do with the place, basically using the same language Russell did, which Lisbon and her spidey sense pick up on immediately.
Jane’s nature walk leads him to Marvin, who must have gotten his phone back. He’s yelling at someone named Alan, who I’m guessing is the aforementioned lawyer, and asking how this ends well for him. When Jane approaches, he hangs up. Jane says he won’t narc on Marvin for using the phone, but when Marvin realizes Jane is with the FBI, he calls them vultures and says they’re throwing the book at him. They’ve got him on conspiracy to commit securities fraud, wire fraud, bank fraud, and false S.E.C. filing. Sounds like Alan has his work cut out for him. Jane surmises Alan is asking him to take a deal, but no way in hell Marvin is going for that. Jane asks if Marvin ever sees women places besides the dining hall, but Marvin says there’s only fat guys in pleated shorts. Then Jane tells Marvin the FBI had him dead to rights on murder, but he got off scot free. When Marvin asks how he did it, Jane just says you’ve gotta know the right people. HA.
FBI offices. Madison Pryce’s sister is telling their sad story. Their mom and dad were killed in an auto accident when they were very young, and they were in and out of foster homes until Madison, whose real name is Margaret, ran away, and her sister didn’t hear from her for months. Then on the sister’s birthday, Madison sent her fifty bucks. By the next year, Madison was paying for her to go to boarding school. When the sister graduated, she asked Madison if she could stay with her. Madison got her money from first being a temp then starting her own company helping executives with their speaking skills. She’d emailed her sister that morning. It was a video reminding sis to feed her fish or they’d die. Cho can see Madison is in a cabin and says someone from the Foragers’ club must have snuck her in. Not a boyfriend, though. Madison is gay. No serious girlfriends. She didn’t have time, because she was working so hard, since the company wasn’t doing that well.
Jane and Lisbon.Den of Bigotry dining hall. They can talk to the waitstaff after they’re done serving lunch. Jane asks one of the passing waitresses to pour “his friend” some coffee. Lisbon is appreciative as she texts. Jane says to tell Pike “Hi” and Lisbon tries for three seconds to pretend it’s not him before extending the greeting. Jane says Pike seems like a “good guy” and when Lisbon agrees, he says she should be with a good man and JANE, STOP BREAKING MY HEART! You’re a good man! Just believe it, already! Sigh. Anyway, Jane makes a big deal about putting the cream on the next table and asking for cream. The waitress takes it off the other table and when she puts it down, he sniffs her hair. Then he says his fork is dirty, and when a waitress leans over to give him another one, he sniffs hers as well. Lisbon asks what the heck he’s doing, and basically, Madison was staying in a cabin. She’s gay, so it had to be a woman’s, and she probably borrowed the shampoo. By process of elimination, Jane zeroes in on one of the waitresses and calls her over. Bingo. Ginger and citrus. When they ask if she knows Madison Pryce, at first she pretends not to, but when she realizes Madison is the murdered woman, she freaks out.
FBI offices. Fischer interrogates the waitress, Pam. I guess they got her back there by helicopter. She says the last time she saw Madison was five a.m. that morning. They weren’t serious. Just a hook-up. They met the year before at a late-night beer party for the staff. This was a gig for her. When Fischer asks Pam what kind of gig, she says Madison was an escort, as if this was common knowledge. So…service to help executives speak better…not so much? She used it as a cover story for her sister. Madison being gay helped her not take men so seriously. Oh, you don’t need to be gay to do that. Just kidding. She was there to meet a client at the “fishing camp.”
Den of Bigotry. Jane is in a golf cart as Lisbon gets in. Turns out the “fishing camp” is a brothel that’s right there on the grounds! HA! I so knew Russell was a lying liar who lies.
Speaking of Russell, he’s no longer in his big, fancy office but at the FBI with Cho, talking about how he never availed himself of the fishing camp services and how it really was used for fishing in his father’s and grandfather’s time. Must smell nice in there, then. Apparently at one time, the guys who wanted that sort of service went to a house twenty miles away, but that meant a lot of drunkenness, accidents, and arrests, which in this day and age of the phone camera, is not the best idea.
Russell then throws Killgallen under the bus by saying it’s entirely his operation. He’d bring one or two women up for the weekend. He rotated them. Russell tries to take the high road by insisting the Foragers’ Club didn’t earn a dime from this enterprise. Then he still says he didn’t know Madison. When Cho points out she visited there a bunch of times, Russell gets all lawyerly and says Cho asked if he knew her. Because, yeah, he did see her a few times but never spoke to her. Cho says he must be a pretty good liar, because when Russell told Jane he’d never seen Madison, Jane believed him and not much gets by Jane. Cho asks where he was between six and eight in the morning, and Russell claims he was asleep. Cho gives him his “I so believe you” face.
Den of Bigotry. Jane comes barreling up in his golf cart all “Whooo!” Heh. Abbott is there with him. Apparently after Russell was questioned, he called all of those high falutin’ people he knows, they called Abbott, and voila, Abbott thought he’d make an appearance. That helicopter must be getting quite a workout. He asks where Kilgallen is, and it turns out I’m quite the good judge of character, because he’s on the run with his laptop.
They go into fishing camp cabin #9, where Madison went after she left Pam at 5 a.m., and Jane immediately says the murder didn’t occur there. Abbott cites no moved furniture or scratches or marks on the floor, etc., but Jane says for him it was just a hunch. Lisbon says either way, the murderer didn’t carry the body out, but Jane talks about the golf carts, and Abbott orders forensics to come do a search of them with the M-vac, which will pull DNA out of anything. Jane gets distracted by a bright, shiny object on the floor. It’s a golf ball marker. You use it to place your ball on the green. Abbott says whoever used the room, was a serious “linksman” but he thinks that in the Den of Bigotry, there must be a lot of them. Jane says he thinks he can narrow it down. I’ll just bet you can.
Grant Kimura is their first victim…I mean, interviewee. Immediately Abbott is buttering him up and saying he’s a fan. Jane admits to knowing nothing about golf. They show him the golf-ball marker, and he asks where they got it, but when they tell him fishing camp, he plays dumb. Jane’s all “Plays golf better than he lies” and Kimura says, “Who are you again?” They try to get him to admit it, but he says there are a million of those things. Jane says fishing camp is for a certain kind of man. Pampered, hedonistic, self-centered, and that screams professional athlete. One hint of “obstruction of justice” later, and Kimura crumbles like a cheap card table. He’s married. Two kids. Endorsements. Gregory Dyer, Kimura’s attorney, comes barging in just a few seconds too late to shut him up. He throws around phrases like “professional lapse” and threatens to call their superiors and blah, blah, blah. Abbott smoothly says they were just talking to Kimura while making sure he drops Madison Pryce’s name and says how he’s sure Kimura wants them to catch the killer. Dyer’s all “Nice try” and Jane says they’re no match for the keen legal mind of Mr. Dyer. Then he says Dyer isn’t a member, what with him being sweaty and all. He’s a residential guest, so he doesn’t wear the badge. Jane makes a crack about his frayed collar, and they’re off.
Back at the camp, Lisbon says they still can’t find Kilgallen and Fischer put out a BOLO. Abbott says to get all available agents down there to look for him. As for the golf cart DNA hunt, one of them was cleaned methodically. But it happened within the last hour, so they’ll question people to find out who may have seen it being cleaned.
Marvin comes walking up to Abbott. He already knows his name, so this can’t be good. Jane bolts and tells him to have fun. Marvin and Abbott walk to a lake to talk, which immediately makes me nervous. He says Jane told him he beat a murder rap (oh no!) and Abbott was the one to do it for him. Then Marvin goes on about an Agent Matthews, who’s in another division. Abbott says he can’t help him, and Marvin says, “You asked what you could do for me!” and Abbott like uh, figure of speech, dude. Anyway, Marvin says Matthews has frozen his assets, because he’s a flight risk. He says he’s not, because the case is going to collapse. All he did was get rich and make other people rich, like teachers, firemen, cops. People just like Abbott. When he says this, he pokes Abbott, and Abbott gives him a look like, “You did NOT just poke me.”
Marvin goes on to say that Matthews is being unreasonable. He’s looking for someone reasonable, like Abbott, to “mediate” the situation. Abbott uses the word “bribe” but Marvin says that would be illegal. He just wants to go back to making people rich and wants to know if Abbott will discuss that with him. Abbott smiles and says he’ll get back to Marvin. I’ll just bet.
It looks like the whole helicopter thing is to no avail, as Lisbon is on the phone with Pike having to cancel their date, due to Kilgallen possibly escaping into the woods. Pike asks if they’ve tried a forestry satellite, since they image the area all the time looking for fire outbreaks. Lisbon says something about him being good-looking and helpful before she hangs up, but I’d already stopped listening.
Lisbon and Abbott are at the coordinates Wylie and Fischer gave them. from the satellite imagery, which they’re studying. Wylie tells Lisbon to head toward a clearing where there’s possibly a service vehicle. There’s a golf cart, and Abbott and Lisbon approach, guns drawn. The good news is, they found Kilgallen. The bad news is, he’s lying dead next to the golf cart, with a whole mess of red staining the front of his nice, white shirt. What happened to the sweater vest?
Everyone’s back at the FBI offices. The gun used to murder Kilgallen was taken from the club’s trapshooting range. No prints, though. Fischer suggests questioning the club members about Kilgallen, since it’s obvious the killer murdered him because Kilgallen knew who he was. Jane pipes up from that couch to ask if they know Kilgallen is dead. Not yet. Jane says not to tell people, and Lisbon says it’s because one dead body makes people antsy, but two and the place will be cleared out by dinner. Huh. So, I guess there’s a one-body limit on what people find acceptable. Okay.
Abbott’s gotta go, because he needs to draft a letter to Internal Affairs re: Marvin’s near-bribe. Upon hearing this, Jane, who’d been on the verge of sleep, leaps from the couch with a huge grin and asks what Abbott is intending to do, which is to get Marvin on tape offering the bribe and nail his ass. Jane has a better idea. Of course he does. He’s Jane. It requires Madison Pryce’s phone (which is still yielding nothing), Wylie’s help, and the Den of Bigotry on lockdown. Abbott can only guarantee a couple of hours, but Jane says that’s plenty long enough.
FBI offices. Cho finds Wylie in the break room and says he needs him to do something. Wylie immediately picks up on Cho’s tone, and how he only talks to Wylie this way when he wants him to do something shady for Jane. Smart kid. Cho wants him to create an electronic trail that makes it looks like they released millions of dollars in frozen assets. Wylie calls it a DNS hijacking. Cho stares at him, which is his way of demanding an explanation. Wylie gets a case of the jibber-jabbers and explains how when a person goes to a bank website, it redirects you to a phony version of the same site that you can make look like whatever you want. Cho says that’s what he wants, it is for Jane, and can do it. Wylie says with his eyes closed. Cho says, “Good man.” Awww…I love that. He gave Wylie props! For Cho, it’s like a warm hug.
Den of Bigotry. Abbott waits for Marvin in a cabin. He makes his offer. Thirty percent of whatever he frees up for Marvin to take his little trip before the trial starts. Marvin asks if he’s wearing a wire, entrapment, blah blah blah. Abbott reiterates the offer. Marvin tries to get him down to twenty, but Abbott won’t bite. Marvin agrees to thirty, and Abbott makes a show of taking out his phone and pressing a few buttons. Then he tells Marvin his funds are cleared, minus Abbott’s cut.
Back at the FBI offices, Cho confirms to Jane that Marvin checked the website.
At the Den of Bigotry, Jane is in a room where a bunch of chairs are set up, as if for a show. Russell comes walking in and demands to know if they’ve found Kilgallen, because he wants to fire him. Good luck with that. He’s upset because, due to the lockdown, the speaker can’t get in. They have to cancel. Jane tries to sell Russell on how he used to be a magician, but Russell isn’t biting until Jane pulls out Russell’s wallet from his own jacket pocket, makes a dollar bill burst into flames, then resuscitates it. Russell is duly impressed.
At the cabin, Jane tells Abbott and Lisbon about the magic show. He’s going to use four objects he’ll say he got from the lost and found. One of them will be Madison’s very identifiable sparkly pink phone, which the killer will assume has evidence on it. Then when the killer goes to the lost and found to retrieve it, they’ll nab him.
SHOWTIME! Jane does a card trick that involves having the card in the guy’s pants pocket. Then he calls up Special Agent Teresa Lisbon for his next trick. Earlier, he’d told four members to put four objects from the lost and found inside a cardboard box and seal it. One of the members brings the box to Jane, who confirms neither he nor Lisbon know what’s in it. As Lisbon ties a blindfold around Jane’s head, he explains that without the benefit of sight, he’s going to identify each object as Lisbon holds it up.
Lisbon leads him back to a chair at the back of the stage, which is facing away from the audience. Jane tells Lisbon to relax and let her beauty show and OMG this is the second week in a row he’s talked about her being beautiful. Get a clue, Lisbon. Back to the show. Lisbon theatrically rips the tape off the box, pulls out a watch, and says, “What am I holding in my hand?” Jane says, “It takes a licking but keeps on ticking. A watch.” Applause. I guess Marvin hasn’t left for his trip, due to the lockdown, so he’s decided to take in the show. Next item is a pen. Then a pair of glasses. Now it’s time for the phone, and oddly enough, Lisbon doesn’t display the easily identifiable part, but the side that’s all busted up. Jane says “It’s a word. Harm? No. Hurt? No. Broken…broken…broken cell…Is it a broken cell phone?” Yes, it is! Yay!
The box is on the stage, and the people who lost their stuff retrieve it from the box. When the room clears, Abbott goes up and finds the phone still in there. He goes back to the fishing cabin, where all of their meetings have taken place, and tells the murderer he knows there’s a camera in there, which is how he knew to clean the golf cart. The killer had put the camera there originally to blackmail one of Madison’s clients. Abbott says he still has the phone with the evidence that will implicate the killer and holds it up to prove it. He says if the killer saw his exchange with Marvin, he knows Abbott is willing to deal. He’ll give the killer ten minutes. As Abbott cracks his knuckles, in walks Dyer, Kimura’s lawyer. In answer to Dyer’s question about what kind of deal he’s going to make, Abbott says, “None at all,” at which point Dyer tries to bolt but makes it two feet before he’s taken down. He cries like a baby about how he didn’t do anything. This was Jane’s plan all along, of course.
FBI offices. They found Kilgallen’s laptop in Dyer’s cabin. He was going to blackmail Kimura. Dyer explains there were some “irregularities” in Kimura’s accounts, (aka, he was skimming) but he needed some leverage before he told Kimura about it. When Kimura invited him to the Foragers’, he remembered the girl in cabin #9. Kilgallen let him put a camera in the room. For a fee, of course. But Madison entered the room way ahead of the ten o’clock appointment and found Dyer setting up the camera. He chased her through the woods and said he just wanted to make her stop. Then maybe he shouldn’t have repeatedly banged her head into the ground. That seems like overkill. When she stopped moving, what with her brain having been rattled around in her head like that and all the blunt-force trauma, he went back and planted Kimura’s golf-ball marker for good measure, thinking that if he got into legal trouble, Dyer would save the day and Kimura would be grateful and forget the whole stealing money from him thing. Kilgallen knew and scheduled a meeting with Dyer in a secluded location, so they could talk about how much more money Dyer was going to pay him. Not surprisingly, the murderer killed him.
Then Dyer catches on to that the talk about the magic trick was a trap. Fischer confirms this, and Cho says there was nothing on the phone. Dyer, better late than never, also deduces they never gave Marvin his money. Cho says he was arrested, just like Dyer is.
Oh, no. Dinner date with Pike. Here goes. He jokes that he went on a date with another woman, since Lisbon cancelled. When Lisbon asks her name, he says Gladys Egbert. She laughs and calls him a terrible liar and says she likes that in a man. Okay, I get it, show! You can stop now. Anyway, long story short, the “work stuff” from earlier was a promotion that would take him to D.C. He’s willing to turn it down to stay with Lisbon and asks her if she thinks it could get serious. She gulps and says she does but tells him to take the job, even though she doesn’t want him to go. He asks her to come with him and takes her shaky hand as he asks. Fade to black. I think I’m a little ill. CJ Stevens falls asleep every night to the comforting flicker of her TV. Nothing makes her happier than the little red dot on her dv-r, notifying her one of her shows is taping. She edits books for a living and was even known among her editing comrades as “the grammar police.” Ending apostrophe abuse is her calling.