Grandest Epic: With giants and wooly mammoths and lovers dying in one another’s arms, battles don’t get bigger than the one waged on the season’s penultimate GAME OF THRONES episode.
Best Backstory: At last, we know why PENNY DREADFUL’s Vanessa feels so guilty. No wonder the girl has issues!
Least Surprising Development: Realizing that I WANNA MARRY HARRY was a royal failure, Fox flushed the one-joke reality show. In related news, TVLine reports that US & THEM — a remake of the British series GAVIN AND STACEY — will never air. Because, you know, the scripted sitcom wasn’t up to the high standards of the network that brought us… all together now… I WANNA MARRY HARRY.
Most Curmudgeonly Star: Everybody’s favorite grouch-who-isn’t-named-Oscar will star in the Lifetime movie GRUMPY CAT’S WORST CHRISTMAS EVER.
Sweetest Tribute: TV Land will honor the late Ann B. Davis with a 12-hour BRADY BUNCH marathon running from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. on Saturday. Call Sam the butcher and order something special to serve on TV trays while watching.
Lamest Defense: DUCK DYNASTY’s executive producer said that gay-bashing star Phil Robertson treats the crew “that has several gay people on it” well. I bet some of his best friends are black, too, huh?
Best Overstatement In A Statement: “I am beyond thrilled to be hosting what I’m told is the most important television event of the year,” joked Daytime Emmy hostess Kathy Griffin. “Knowing that over 100 million people from every corner of the planet will be watching, I will try to keep my nerves at bay.”
Least Surprising Divorce: TEEN MOM Jenelle Evans can now change her Facebook relationship status from “married” to “single.”
Worst Neighbors: Folks in the titular location are ticked about the filming of KOURTNEY AND KHLOE TAKE THE HAMPTONS. What indignity will the wealthy enclave have to suffer next? A Wamart SuperCenter
Quickest Resurrection: GENERAL HOSPITAL killed Ric Lansing only to reveal by episode’s end that rumors of his death were exaggerated… by the police chief who needed help bringing down the Mob!
Shortest Memory: With I LOVE THE 2000s, VH1 apparent thinks we’re ready to flashback… a couple years. What’s next? I LOVE WHAT I HAD FOR BREAKFAST?
Least Objective: CNN’s George H.W. Bush documentary was financed by the George Bush Presidential Library Foundation and produced by a former Bush speechwriter.
Smartest Shopper: GLEE’s Lea Michele is apparently dating a former male escort. And let’s face it, we have to assume that any guy who charges $350 an hour is good at what he does… whatever that might be.
Best Response: Criticized for being overweight, FARGO star Allison Tolman tweeted, “I’ve just been wearing this GIANT EFFING COAT FOR 8 WEEKS ON YOUR TELEVISION!” and took the internet’s population to task for “defining women by size.”
Least Plugged In: Paula Dean claimed that she’d fielded several TV offers before deciding to launch her own subscription-based Web site. She added that fans “are going to see all of me,” which put images in our head we’ll never get out.
Longest Stay: Carol Mendelsohn will step down after 14 years as a showrunner at CSI. Taking her place? A cruise-control button.
Worst Boss: Four employees of The Situation’s tanning salon wound up getting paid with checks that bounced like the silicone-filled breasts of his former JERSEY SHORE stars.