Thing We Are Apparently Required To Discuss: The Emmy nominations came out, and it was a total outrage that (blank) was snubbed while (blank), a talentless hack, was recognized. Insert pointless rage here.
Lesson Least Likely To Be Learned: Yet again, the major networks and their increasingly bland programming were all but shut out of Emmy nominations. But there’s always next year, and I’m sure there’ll be a fierce Outstanding Drama battle between CBS’ SCORPION and ABC’s GALAVANT… right.
Best Revenge: DAYS OF OUR LIVES’ Sami had her man jailed for tax evasion and then took over his international conglomerate. Next time that forever-plotting, rarely succeeding Emily Thorne chick needs to formulate a plan, she should give Sami a ring!
The “Something For Everyone” Award Goes To… : Bruno Heller, executive producer of GOTHAM, who said the Batman prequel would be “fun and dark”, adding “it’s sexy, but dangerous. It’s a world of craziness and a world of beauty.” Sounds like it’s designed for people who felt like BLACK BOX wasn’t schizophrenic enough.
Worst Spoilers: The pilot of EXTANT would have been a billion times more enjoyable had not the endless ads run by CBS in the months leading up to its premiere not ruined every single plot twist, including the final scene!
Most Likely To Backfire: Refusing to learn their lesson, the folks at Parents Television Council have gotten their panties in a wad over a sexually violent scene on CBS’ ratings-challenged RECKLESS. As a result, all kinds of people who had never even heard of the show are now aware of it and will no doubt be checking it out, proving for the gazillionth time since the days of MARRIED WITH CHILDREN that there really is no such thing as bad publicity… especially when it’s free and involves controversy.
Campiest Concept: Investigation Discovery’s HEARTBREAKERS will feature D-listers such as Christopher Knight and Kevin Sorbo recreating tales about “dreamboats who turned into nightmares.” Sign me up!
Joke I Can’t Resist Making: There will be a video game based on the upcoming SHARKNADO 2. And if said game does not allow one to literally jump the shark the way this whole franchise already has in the proverbial sense, then someone should be fired.
Best Reason To Keep A Secret: At least on GENERAL HOSPITAL, spilling the beans is downright deadly! Rafe’s attempt to reveal who forced him to run Patrick’s car off the road resulted in him having yet another accident (and dying as a result), while Alice’s desire to reveal Tracy’s duplicity resulted in the Quartermaine servant having a coronary incident that left her in need of a heart transplant!
Something To Sing About: GLEE — which apparently is still on the air — has had its final season cut back to 13 episodes.
Coolest Casting: Mark-Paul Gosselaar will play serial-killing twins for a story arc on the upcoming season of CSI.
Fakest Fakers: Brody Jenner says that his entire relationship with Lauren Conrad was scripted for THE HILLS. Wait… things on that show weren’t real?
Your Next Addiction: Hulu, which already aires DAYS OF OUR LIVES, GENERAL HOSPITAL and British soaps CORONATION STREET and HOLLYOAKS will next week begin airing the Australian sudser NEIGHBORS. Because, you know, I don’t already have enough shows to keep up with!
Worst Laugh Track: If you’re smart enough to figure out where and when THE WIL WHEATON PROJECT airs, you’re probably smart enough to know when to laugh without the help of the anemic canned laughter the sow uses.
Best Use Of History: Soaps are notorious for breaking out youth-oriented storylines in an effort to lure in summertime viewers. And while THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS has the snooze-worthy tale of a teen who married her aunt’s kidnapper, things ironically perk up whenever the sudser focuses on longtime vets Paul, Nikki, Victor and Christine.
Most Gay-Friendly: FYI’s new show MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT — in which two people… well, the title kinda says it all — should be referenced by every lawyer in every state dealing with a case involving same-sex marriage. As in, “People can go on television and tie the knot with complete strangers, but somehow, two people of the same sex will destroy the sanctity of marriage.”
Least Likely To Succeed: BIG BROTHER’s Devin went from forming alliances with everyone in the house to exposing said alliances and, following the most wildly entertaining Veto meeting in the show’s history, declaring himself a lone wolf. As Paola declared just before evicted, “Devin, you have five different personalities, and all of them suck!”
Most Backhanded Compliment: Bloviator extraordinaire Donald Trump reacted to news of Rosie O’Donnell return to THE VIEW by… what else? Tweeting. “Rosie is crude, rude, obnoxious and dumb,” he said. “Other than that I like her very much.”
Best Faux Hooker: Watching mild-mannered therapist Karen transform into a bar-crawling vixen has thus far been the highlight of MISTRESSES’ second season.