24! MISTRESSES! BIG BROTHER! GENERAL HOSPITAL! TCA! NCIS! The TV Addict Week in Rewind

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Least Happy Ending: Man, talk about a crappy day. 24′s Jack lost his one-time love, Audrey, and wound up in Russian custody as the season ended. On the plus side, he did save the world (again) and get to behead a dude.

Most Likely To Be Arrested For Stalking: BIG BROTHER’s Caleb is proving to be a guy who won’t take no for an answer where Amber is concerned.

Truest Philosophy: “Men generally don’t dump young women for older women,” mused MISTRESSES’ Karen. “They dump young women for younger women. I really don’t like younger women.”

Lamest Rose Ceremony: After Andi booted farmer Chris, THE BACHELORETTE insisted on going through with a rose ceremony… despite the fact nobody would be eliminated and there was absolutely zero chance of creepy Nick or lunkhead Josh rejected the proffered flower.

Deadliest Finale: WGN’s SALEM wrapped up a killer season by knocking off several characters, challenging relationships, shifting loyalties and leaving us hanging like the proverbial accused witch until Season 2 kicks off in April!

Lamest Fake-Out: Fox endlessly promoted HELL’S KITCHEN in such a way as to make viewers — well, really dumb viewers — think perhaps President Obama would be dining in the not-so-fine establishment. Instead, the security-surrounded, limo-driven guests were… the families of the cheftestaints.

Saddest (Fictional) Death: GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Rafe bit the dust following a car accident, and I’m not sure which was more tear-enducing… the gorgeously directed scenes in which the character was taken off life-support, or the fact that the soap axed his talented portrayer, Jimmy Deshler. (As many fans were quick to point out, however, Rafeis kinda sorta the son of a possible vampire, and heaven knows most of the show’s characters have made return trips from the grave… )

Least Able To Take Criticism: After a critic did his job — you know, offering criticism, via Twitter — during the Television Critics Association panel for Kevin Williams’ new show, STALKER, the DAWSON’S CREEK creator fired back. Repeatedly. And honestly, we’d expect a writer of Williams’ stature to come up with better put-downs than “loser” and “idiot.” Then again, having suffered through THE FOLLOWING, maybe not.

Hottest Ticket: THE SIMPSONS will take over the Hollywood Bowl on September 12, 13 and 14. We have to assume the concession stand will be well stocked with Duff beer and donuts.

Oddest Statement: Called out for the lack of diversity on CBS’ upcoming fall shows, exec Nina Tassler tried pointing to other shows in the line-up which offer minority characters. But among them, she cited the upcoming TWO AND A HALF MEN twist in which the straight leads marry in order to adopt a child. Tassler said this would be a “postive statement” about the ability of gay couples to adopt children, seeming to not really get that the men in question aren’t actually a same-sex couple and therefore probably shouldn’t be cited as an example of her net’s “diversity” efforts.

Least Surprising Bomb: VH1’s DATING NAKED was a bomb, relatively speaking, given the hype surrounding it’s debut. Did the folks behind it not know that amateur porn already exists and is way more interesting? Er… so I’ve heard.

Most Shocking Therapy: As painful as it was to see MASTERS OF SEX’s closeted Barton get his brain fried in hopes of “curing” his homosexuality, the sight of him trying to hang himself after the procedure (of course) failed was even worse.

Handsomest Knight: Forget the GAME OF THRONES dudes. THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL’s Oliver (played by the downright adorable Zach Conroy) donned some shining armor — at themed restaurant Medieval Times — in order to win back the hand of the fair maiden Aly. The scenes were fun, exciting, swoonworthy and just a little bit cheesetastic all at the same time.

Easiest Translation: CBS exec Nina Tassler said she felt “very confident” that the network would work out a deal with the stars of THE BIG BANG THEORY. She went on to say that these types of deals “always get miraculously done.” The unspoken truth? “It’s our biggest hit and we will give them anything they want, including my job, to stay on.”

Worst Mash-up: Rapper Drake took to the stage at the EPSY Awards to perform — and I use that word loosely — a bizarre version of his song “Worst Behavior” featuring clips of Donald Sterling’s infamous racist remarks. Somewhere, Vanilla Ice was watching and thinking, “Seriously? And y’all thought I was bad?”

Best Long-Delayed Payoff: The season finale of DEVIOUS MAIDS revealed that Marisol’s hubby, Nick, had accidentally killed Evelyn and Adrian’s son years earlier. It was a brilliant reveal that came out of nowhere and yet made perfect sense by answering a question we hadn’t even thought to ask.

Best Twitter Eulogy: Upon hearing that his 30 ROCK mom, Elaine Stritch, had passed away, Alec Baldwin tweeted, “I’m sure that even God is a bit nervous right now.”

Least Surprising Crossover: Folks from NCIS will swing by NCIS: NEW ORLEANS. This could have been a lot more interesting if it was, say, NCIS and THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY doing the crossing over.

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