BIG BROTHER! MISTRESSES! UNDER THE DOME! ALL MY CHILDREN! HANNIBAL! The TV Addict Week in Rewind

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Best Ad Placement: Even as BIG BROTHER’s Caleb continued to creepily obsess over fellow housemate Amber, the bottom half of the screen featured a large ad for the upcoming CBS show STALKER.

Most Likely To Be In Denial: Sure, MISTRESSES’ Joss insists that she and Harry have never — and would never — been anything more than friends. But come on… haven’t we all suspected she’d hook up with her former brother-in-law pretty much since day one?

Biggest Waste Of Time: Even the bloopers, usually a highlight of THE BACHELORETTE: THE MEN TELL ALL, were lame this season, with pimpage of THE BACHELOR IN PARADISE running longer than behind-the-scenes-blunders package.

Coolest Return: THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS alum Shemar Moore will return to the soap — where he played swoonworthy shutterbug Malcolm Winters — for two days in September. While fans are hoping Malcolm might be bringing divalicious Drucilla (as played by Victoria Rowell) along for the ride, I’ll settle for him slapping some sense into his unlucky-in-love big brother, Neil!

Best Revenge: Proving that turnabout is fair play, THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL’s Ridge — recently dumped from a helicopter (ya had to be there) — got rival Bill to confess he was responsible by… well, how else? Taking the tycoon for a terrifying helicopter flight of his own!

Details To Come: CBS signed a deal with mega-popular author James Patterson. One can only assume, based on the trajectory of his writing career, said contract involves writing a few really great episodes of a TV series, then slumming for a buck by allowing the network to pump out a bunch of crap with his name on it but “co-written” by crappier scribes.

Least Teachable Moment: This week’s THE LEFTOVERS had us Googling the term “Roman helmet” after one was given to the saddest town on the planet’s fake baby Jesus. Huh. Coulda gone my whole life not knowing what that term meant!

Coolest Project: HBO has ordered to pilot WESTWORLD, a series based on the classic flick about a theme park staffed by robots. Given that this is one of my all-time favorite flicks, I can only hope that nothing will go wrong… go wrong… go wrong…

Most Optimistic: The folks at UNDER THE DOME say they have outlined a story that could last between three and five seasons… even as ratings for the current season continue to fall.

Best Casting: THE MINDY SHOW has tapped Rhea Pearlman — better known as acerbic bar wench Carla from CHEERS — to play Danny’s mom.

Most Likely To Stir Up Trouble Together: He’s a former serial killer turned (unlicensed) art-therapist. She’s got a literal hit list of people who did her wrong while she lay in a 20-year-long coma. GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Nina and Franco are perfectly poised to become Port Charles’ ultimate scheme team!

Best Cause: Break out your checkbooks, because Jon Stewart has launched a $10 billion Kickstarter campaign… so he can buy CNN. Why? Because it would allow him to “rebuild a news organization befitting this proud land. Or, more likely, we’d use it to make a lot more poop jokes.”

Busiest Woman In The Biz: Not only is Eileen Davidson doing both THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS (as angelic Ashley) and DAYS OF OUR LIVES (as cray cray Kristen), bit it’s reported she’ll also be joining the cast of THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS!

Sexiest Horror News: Finn Wittrock, who was ALL MY CHILDREN’s Damon and Beau Bridge’s boy toy on MASTERS OF SEX, has joined the cast of AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAK SHOW.

Least Surprising Reaction: The American Family Association and it’s One Million Moms division (which seems wildly misnamed since it actually has about 2,000 Twitter followers) declared Adult Swim’s BLACK JESUS to be “blasphemous, irreverent and disrespectful.” You know what woulda been awesome? If they’d added, “But it’s really kinda funny if you’re into that kinda thing.”

Funniest Suggestion: Folks organizing the Emmys, which will this year be on a Monday during rush hour, suggested attendees… carpool. Well, limopool is probably a more accurate term.

Most Anticipated Transformation: Despite having been shot in the face during the Season 2 finale of HANNIBAL, Raul Esparza’s Dr. Chilton will return in Season 3. At Comic Con, he reported having told executive producer, “In my next season, I expect to have an eye patch, hump, and parrot.”

Oddest Interview: Tara Reid told GQ magazine that a SHARKNADO could, you know, totally happen. “The chances are, like, you know, it’s like probably ‘pigs could fly,’” mused the TV-movie’s star before adding, “Like, I don’t think pigs could fly, but actually, sharks could be stuck in tornados.”

My New Hero: Eric Stonestreet, who plays newly-wed Cam on MODERN FAMILY, revealed that he refused to take a picture with Rick Santorum because of the politico’s staunch anti-gay positions.

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