Best Parting Line: “You think the world is so terrible with me in it?” SCANDAL’s Rowan asked daughter Olivia as the men hired to bring him in were gunned down feet away. “Wait ’til you see what it’s like without me.”
Funnest Outing: Watching SUPERNATURAL’s high school musical left us wondering why nobody has brought the TV show to Broadway. It’s gotta be better than 50 Shades: The Musical. And yes, that’s a real thing.
Least Necessary Revival: Okay, who out there was begging for another season of THE OSBOURNES? Whoever you are, the rest of us are really annoyed.
Grossest Chatter: Proving that sometimes, reality-TV can be a little too real, SURVIVOR spent far too much of this week’s episode discussing bodily functions.
Most In Need Of An After-Dinner Mint: TV’s CAKE BOSS Buddy Valastro was arrested by the NYPD on charges of driving while intoxicated.
Least Predictable Outcome: Bill Cosby’s Website created a meme generator and then practically dared Twitter by saying, “Go Ahead, Meme me!” Twitter did just that by posting a slew of pics labeling the beloved comic a rapist.
Biggest Overselling Of A Prize: PROJECT RUNWAY ALL STARS acted as if having a dress displayed in the lobby where Wicked is playing was great exposure… sort of downplaying that the show is a decade old and the only folks likely to view the winning gown are tourists who couldn’t get tickets for The Book Of Mormon.
Best Showdown: In a week filled with stunning performances, GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Chad Duell and Maurice Benard raised the roof as betrayed son Michael threatened to kill his Mob boss dad, Sonny.
Most Heartbreaking Line, Men’s Division: “I’m miserable all the time,” admitted GREY’S ANATOMY’s Derek, “and I don’t know what to do with it.”
Most Heartbreaking Line, Women’s Division: “I just want to be loved,” uttered AMERICAN HORROR STORY’s Elsa shortly after trying to off her beau.
Biggest Letdown: The long-awaited reunion of REVENGE’s Emily and David fell flatter than a pancake.
Least Humorous Remarks From A Comic: Jerry Seinfeld ticked off parents of autistic children with what they perceived as his flippant self-diagnosis of autism.
Tackiest Ending To A Tacky Relationship: THE BACHELOR’s Nikki told Life & Style that she and Juan Pablo’s relationship came to an end when he didn’t respond to her text message. Suddenly, I bet SEX & THE CITY’s Carrie is feeling better about that whole Post-It Note thing.
Best Twist: Before leaving town again, DAYS OF OUR LIVES’ Kristen apparently stole rival Theresa’s embryo out of her stomach and had it planted in her own womb!
Longest In Coming: At long last, someone — Starz, to be precise — is bringing THE EVIL DEAD to television. Better still, they’re doing so with the original Ash, Bruce Campbell, as the star.
Most Ridiculously Over-Discussed Viral Sensation: Surely I can’t be the only one who found Adult Swim’s TOO MANY COOKS to be as endless as it was one-note… can I? Well, I’ll sit over here by myself, I guess…
Biggest Off-Screen Loss: You probably couldn’t have picked Carol Ann Susi — who died this week at the age of 62 — out of a line-up, but if she bellowed, “Howard!” you’d have instantly realized hers was the voice of THE BIG BANG THEORY’s Mrs. Wolowitz.
Most Hyperbolic Statement Ever Uttered In The History Of The World: Michael David, the producer behind “The Duck Commander Family Dynasty” — a musical based on the controversial Robertson family of DUCK DYNASTY fame — defended the project by saying the show would “end up challenging the views and assumptions of people across the political spectrum more than most theater does.” We can only assume by “most theater” he means “Naked Boys Singing” and “The Bubble Show.”
How NBC Stole Your Christmas Glory: No matter what gift you got your teenage daughter, it won’t excite her the way the network’s ONE DIRECTION: THE TV SPECIAL — airing on December 23rd — will.
Best Decision: Rather than having Adam spend weeks under bandages, THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS unveiled his new face (and new portrayer Justin Hartley) on Friday’s episode… and in the opening credits even before on air!
Saddest Numbers: Only about 300,000 people watched the return of HBO’s brilliant reality-TV satire THE COMEBACK, which about a zillion fewer people than looked at Kim Kardashian’s naked butt on Twitter.
Least Likely To Be Missed: Randy Jackson is exiting AMERICAN IDOL. But no biggie, since his run was just alight for me, dawg.