Lamest/Best Reveal: While unmasking Wes as Sam’s killer on HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER wasn’t particularly shocking, the fact that Annalise has known from the beginning sent our jaws dropping to the floor!
Saddest Scandal: Remember when the name Bill Cosby made you think of sweater collections and Jell-O?
Worst Procrastinator: THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS’ Jack has put off telling girlfriend Kelly that he’s engaged to another woman. Given that the other woman once ran down a romantic rival, this seems like a situation he might wanna handle… pronto!
Best Public Service Announcement: The Parents TV Council — aka the self-proclaimed guardians of morality — called a SONS OF ANARCHY scene “the most sexually explicit content [we have] ever documented on basic cable.” In response, horndogs everywhere said, “Thanks, I have to check that out! Um, can I get on your mailing list so I don’t miss out next time something like this airs?”
Biggest Transformation: After being lied to by everyone he loves, GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Michael dumped his girlfriend, changed his last name and developed a helluva mean streak. Want proof? “Not only are you a liar,” he told his newly-dumped ex, “but you’re an idiot, too!” Ouch.
Line That Really Needs To Be On A T-Shirt: Who wouldn’t buy one bearing the GREY’S ANATOMY quote, “Stop stealing my orgasms!”
Biggest Hypocrite: It pains us to say this, but Jon Stewart, after spending so much time trash-talking CNN, it’s a major sell-out that you’ve run to them twice in the past few weeks to pimp your movie.
Truest Trash Talk: “This could be the worst idea you’ve ever had,” said ONCE UPON A TIME’s Regina to Snow and Charming, “and you hired the Wicked Witch as your nanny!”
Word Most In Need Of Better Defining: BBC America announced that LUTHER will return for a two-episode season. Look, I get that across the pond, they think eight episodes is a season, but this is ridiculous! (The folks behind Fox’s take on the show are in for a rude awakening if they think they’ll get that kind of a break!)
Shortest Tenure: Jamie Horowitz managed to do the impossible by uniting the entire TODAY team. Unfortunately, the thing that united them was a hatred of the new exec, who got the boot after only 78 days.
Best News For Young, Pretty People: They can relax, because AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL was just renewed for a 22nd season, ensuring they’ll have the opportunity to join such past success stories as… um… the previous 21 modeling superstars whose names nobody knows.
Most In Need Of Slapping: THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL’s writers have turned Maya — played spectacularly by Karla Mosley — into the most wonderfully delusional gold-digger since every character to ever claim they “deserved” to win the top prize on a reality show.
Best Response: While Lifetime’s “Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B” was pretty much unanimously trashed, executive producer Wendy Williams said on her talk show, “Whether you loved or hate, you watched.” The “suckers” was totally implied.
Worst Timing: The big three — ABC, CBS and NBC — all declined to show President Obama’s speech on immigration because, hey, it’s a Thursday during November sweeps. Immigration is important, but the country needs to know #WhoKilledSam!
Best Advice: After an epic tirade from SCANDAL’s Olivia, Mama Pope just looked at her and deadpanned, “You need to move on, girl!”
Most Drawn Out Story: After weeks of talk about whether or not Kathy Griffin would take over as host of E!’s FASHION POLICE — formerly hosted by the late Joan Rivers — the world can now rest easy. The feisty redhead will, in fact, offer up her take on fashion do’s and on-no-she-didn’t’s. However, the show will only air when coverage of major events is needed, like the Oscars, the Emmys and the White House Correspondent’s Dinner. (That last one’s a joke, but you know someone at E! is freaking out, trying to figure out what the heck it is.)
Easiest Joke: ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK’s Taryn Manning was arrested. Ready? Set? Go!
Least Believable Excuse: Although the titular star of THE MINORITY REPORT WITH LARRY WHITMORE claimed to be changing the name of his show to THE NIGHTLY SHOW because of Fox’s plans to turn the Tom Cruise flick Minority Report into a series, we suspect it had more to do with the fact that THE NIGHTLY SHOW sounds a lot like THE DAILY SHOW. Plus, by dropping the word “minority” from the title, who knows… maybe some Republicans will be tricked into watching!
Most Pointless Renewal: After being axed by A&E because it’s audience skews too old, LONGMIRE was picked up for a fourth season by Netflix. Because old folks love nothing more than having to pay for programs they used to get for free and figuring out how to access said shows.
Easiest Job: It was revealed that season 3 of THE FOLLOWING will feature a brilliant killer who will push Ryan Hardy — Kevin Bacon’s character — “to the brink.” Seeing as the guy basically lives there, he can just cash that check and go home. Mission: accompolished!
Easiest Change… For Some: In order to be sensitive to Native Americans, the folks behind PETER PAN LIVE! have taken the phrase “the brave noble red skins” out of the musical’s lyrics. Guess folks wanting to revel in their ignorance will have to be content watching Washington Redskins games.