BONES Redux: Our Top 5 Moments from “The Monster In The Closet”

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Hey, Bones fans! When last we left our lovely gang, Hodgins was alienating everyone around him. Let’s see what we have in store this week. Here are your Bones Top Five Moments!

Christine and the Monster in the Closet
So, Christine has reached that age when there’s a monster in the closet. While Booth tries to comfort his daughter about how he already scared away the monster, Brennan, ever helpful, reminds them that monsters aren’t real, and therefore whatever Booth did was ineffectual. Even Aubrey weighs in. He says the key is for Christine to go up to her closet and tell the monster to go bye-bye, or her dad is “going to put a cap in his ass.”

In the end, Booth does kind of take Aubrey’s advice, though probably not the cap in the ass part, and she figures out there are no monsters…or are there?

Hodgins is Worse
Well, okay then. Hodgins is still being rude to everyone. Brennan, who can be quite rude to the living herself, demands he have respect for the dead. Angela points out that respect is no longer a part of Hodgins’ vocabulary. But apparently work Hodgins is Happy Hodgins. Again, show, I don’t understand why you’re doing this.

Corpse of the Week
Allison Monroe, 42. Disappeared a week before their tenth anniversary. Yeesh.

Ew, gross. Yuck. Taxidermy was performed on her, and the killer stuck a wire through her skeleton in order to pose her. This is a killer with dedication and work ethic. And he lived with the body for at least six months. But then like all dead bodies do, she mouthed off in some way that made him angry, and he killed her again. Is it Hodgins? Because he’s so angry at everyone right now.

Anyway, she was wearing old-fashioned clothes, and in her purse was an old-fashioned cassette tape with old-fashioned music on it. There’s also a small Bible, with marked passages that have to do with punishment for the wicked. The whole thing is really creepy.

All of this means another visit from Karen the profiler. I think last time she didn’t really profile so well, so I’m hoping there’s an improvement.

Hubby is not at all the grieving widow. He said Allison never went missing, so two hours after she was gone, he knew. Whatever, dude. Sometimes knowing something in theory isn’t the same as receiving confirmation. You’re like the poster boy for stoicism. Anyway, Allison was a social worker who took on the most difficult cases.

Hubby suggests they talk to Neal, her supervisor, since Allison got all kinds of threats from people whose kids are taken away from them, as well as prospective foster parents Allison deemed unfit.

Arastoo is back, and awkwardness ensues. This one is Brennan’s fault. But he’s there, and Cam looks really happy about it. Not.

However, when she gets alone with Angela, who admits she’s plotting to kill her husband, Cam says it’s “really, really great” that he’s there. Ugh. And he turned down the job in Berlin, so this does not look good for Sebastian. Color me unhappy.

But he is useful, in that he realized this isn’t the first time he’s seen someone killed this way. And hilariously, the reason Brennan didn’t know about the other body, is because the bones were cataloged at a time when she and Booth quit their jobs. I won’t go into how the second Brennan returned she would have gone over each cataloging to make sure everything was done correctly. Let’s just go with it.

There’s a serial killer on the loose
So, the other victim is an unidentified dude. Scavengers ate his face, so even Angela’s magical toys couldn’t do a facial reconstruction. Arastoo also did all of the tests he could to figure out who the guy was, but to no avail. Brennan, in her efforts to always not respect the living, tells Arastoo he did all he could and therefore should not feel guilty the killer is still on the loose.

His conscience is clear, but it appears Brennan is feeling all of it for herself, since she wasn’t there.

Karen the profiler has profiled the killer, and no surprise, he’s super-intelligent, because they all are on these shows. He also may have schizophrenia and is “totally cray-cray.” Yeah, if you were the FBI, wouldn’t you have total confidence in this woman? It turns out she’s only using that term because she’s been reading over Sweets’ old notes, and it said Booth would get annoyed by overly complex and officious-sounding language. Look, smarty-pants, there’s a vast chasm between complex language and condescending language that makes it sound like you’re talking to a three year old. “He’s crazy” would have been more than efficient and not made you sound like, as Aubrey says, a thirteen year old.

And if she’s the profiler, why doesn’t she try and read Booth as opposed to looking at Sweets’ notes? Karen, you’re going to need to step up your game.

Allison served as a mother figure. The killer wanted to be punished, which is why he marked up the Bible that way. Allison, in life, fit the bill for what he needed. A strong, but kind, maternal figure. But then his urge grew stronger, so he double-killed her, in order to be free to go out and murder again.

As for the unidentified dude, they’re going to look through missing persons for a guy who was a pillar of the community. Got that? Me, neither.

Aubrey goes to see Allison’s boss, Neal, who gives up all of her files immediately. Then based on Karen’s recommendation that the killer gave Allison tons of positive attention, Aubrey concentrates on Neal and asks about their relationship. I guess we’re forgetting another guy was murdered the same way. Turns out Neal had strong stalker tendencies, but he’s no killer.

Booth and Brennan head to the home of George Gibbons. Since the picture in the file is Jim Beaver of Supernatural fame (RIP Bobby!), I’m going with him being Mr. Cray-Cray.

He was turned down for being a foster parent due to that pesky kidnapping charge, but though he knew he’d be rejected, he kept going back again for another try, because Allison’s siren song was too beautiful to ignore.

They pull up to a house Criminal Minds would be proud of. Remote location. Broken windows. The smell of possible fetid remains means Booth has probable cause to enter without permission. Cats are everywhere, and it looks like the horror movie version of Hoarders. Brennan finds a necklace belonging to Allison, so I think they’ve wrapped this one up.

There’s a noise that Booth goes upstairs to inspect, and if you didn’t expect a cat scare in a house full of cats, you’d be wrong. But then! A knife to the throat. “Don’t move,” George says. And I think he means it.

Booth takes out his gun and is about to shoot George in the gut, when Brennan comes upstairs. There’s a click, and she tells George it’s a Colt 45 aimed at his head. Only not so much. It’s just a gun noise phone app. WAH WAH.

In and amongst the cockroaches and dirt, Cam finds a high-end watch, which probably belonged to unidentified dude. Angela also finds a video camera.

Only George is not Mr. Cray-Cray, despite his confession. Karen, the worst profiler ever, notices in George’s rambling diary entries that he keeps mentioning blood. She’s confused and wants to know why he had the knife to Booth’s throat and didn’t do the deed. Then she looks at more of his ramblings and deems he has vasovagal syncope. Translation? He faints at the sight of blood. To prove it, Karen SLICES INTO HER PALM. Like, not just a little, tiny cut. But oozing, dripping blood. Seriously. This is a profiler. George promptly faints. So would I, and I don’t have VS. Booth is impressed?

The watch has the initials G.H.S., which stands for Gainesborough High School, where the victim worked as a principal. His name is Douglas Burkhart. His wife is also really calm. She thought he ran off with a student, which, really? Wouldn’t there be some evidence of that? A likely student he ran off with? Fine. He didn’t know George or Allison. But she tells Booth she wants to help.

Angela realizes that the video camera was still transmitting while they were all at the house, so as Angela points out, this “sick individual” knows who they are, and I’m already getting hives, because I smell another Pel*** on the horizon.

Aubrey and Karen put their heads together and figure George is the perfect patsy, and they should ask him who the killer is. Except the killer is holding Charlie hostage. Charlie is, of course, his favorite cat. It seems the real Mr. Cray-Cray has done this before. Like when George brought him the mother figure he asked for, only it wasn’t supposed to trace back to George. And, well, George didn’t follow instructions.

George is afraid to talk, because Cray-Cray, no surprise, is smarter than everybody and will know he talked. Looks like we have another genius, omniscient killer on our hands. More bad news, just as the best lil profiler figures out a way to get the info from him, Aubrey lets her know George hung himself.

Not Solving the Case
Brennan is obsessed. She tells Booth she has to get into the killer’s mind, because they’re very much alike. Booth freaks, but she points out that the dude lived with Allison for six months and didn’t see her as a skeleton. He saw her as a person he could interact with, just as she does. Also no surprise is Brennan’s guilt over Allison’s death and her insistence that, given their track record, she and Booth would have solved Douglas’ murder.

In a scene that’s both horrifying and beautiful, Booth realizes the holes drilled into the skeleton were so he could put screws in there and use string to haul her up and make her into a macabre marionette. He reenacts it, including the bone crunching sounds as they tighten the screws. In a show about dead bodies, this one is particularly weird and unsettling.

In the end, it’s bad news and more bad news. Cam is scared to go home, what with the killer having seen her, and she asks Arastoo to drive her home, right before she admits to breaking up with Sebastian.

And the killer? Once again is nameless and faceless. And Cam has nothing to worry about. He’s focused in on Brennan. Mommy? Is that you?

It’s all coming to a head. See you next episode!

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