Sometimes, no matter how much we enjoy a show, it’s tough to take to friends about because, well, we find it difficult to put names to the faces of the characters. So we wind up saying, “Oh my God, how cool was it when that girl, you know, the one with the drug problem? Hooked up with the guy who always has bad hair!” Here, in no particular order, are shows we watch every week… but would be hard-pressed to talk about without IMDB’s help.

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
The lead chick’s name is Aria. That’s pretty memorable. Otherwise, it’s the bisexual girl, the one whose mom was on both versions of MELROSE PLACE, the blind one and the girl who is already on, like, her third potential love interest.

ARMY WIVES
Lifetime’s feel-good female-centric drama is as easy to ingest as comfort food. As for our favorite wife, it’s hard to choose between the woman who was blown up on a jet ski on ALL MY CHILDREN and the fiesty southern woman who isn’t the fiesty southern one who is divorcing her husband.

THE GATES
Vampires and witches and succubi… oh my! Character names? Um, there’s the vampire couple… and the witch who runs a spa… and the teenage succubus…

SUPERNATURAL
Okay, confession time: Sometimes, we forget which is Sam and which is Dean. Come on! It’s tough! I mean, the one who plays Sam used to play Dean on GILMORE GIRLS!

THE HILLS
Sure, we know the ubiquitous Heidi and Spencer. People living in caves probably know the civility-challenged, surgically-enhanced, reality-eschewing pair who are more harmful to organized religion than the freaks at Westboro Baptist Church. But Lauren, Kristin, Audrina and Lo are as indistinguishable from one another as they are from actual living, breathing human beings.

I’m not a big fan of episodes that start off with a bang and then flash back to show how we got to that point. For me, it always seems like a ploy broken out by a writer who doesn’t have faith that the audience will stick with the story being told long enough to get to the big moment. Last night’s V was no exception. We started off with the 5th Column taking down an alien shuttle that turned out to be loaded with humans and then… flashed back to 12 hours earlier. The episode had some really nice moments — especially with regards to the resulting crisis of conscience suffered by both Erica and Jack — but still suffered from the same problem that the entire season has: it boiled down to three humans against a couple of V’s. Shouldn’t Erica’s rag-tag band have hooked up with other people by now? And the show better have a damn good reason for Erica’s son being the subject of so much of Anna’s attention. I’m assuming it has to do with the out-of-nowhere reveal from a week or two ago that Tyler’s dad isn’t his dad — and, I’m sorry, but who just kinda shrugs that kinda thing off the way it appears Erica and her ex did? I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, this show needs to step up the threat level supposedly presented by the V’s.
 

There’s not a lot to say about last night’s LOST, although I’m sure people for miles around heard my mournful wails at the loss of Sun and Jin. Not to sound harsh or anything, but their deaths better be real. Sorry, but at this point in the high-stakes game that is LOST, it’s only natural that there should be deaths and that those casualties be people whom we have loved from the beginning. Unlike recent episodes, I didn’t feel as if much was given in the way of answers. And I was a little confused by Sawyer’s cryptic “you get him in the water, I’ll take care of the rest” bit. Maybe one of you folks who pay attention to all the little details — as opposed to me, who is the much more casual viewer – knows something I don’t, like, that when wet, Locke can’t become the smoke monster or something. I did like Jack’s “I’m with him” line, uttered after smoke-Locke had taken out the people holding our heroes captive. Lots of actions, not a lot of answers. The clock’s tickin’, people!

There may be no more reliable scripted show on television than ARMY WIVES. Week in and week out, you know what you’re gonna get. The plots aren’t going to catch you by surprise. When Claudia Joy runs into an old pal from law school, you know that by the end of the hour, she’ll decide to go back and finish her degree. When Roland plans his daughter’s first birthday party and arranges for his stationed-in-Iraq wife to watch via videoconference, you know something’s going to prevent her from being able to connect. Good is always going to triumph over evil, and there will be a feel-good moment or two before the hour is over. ARMY WIVES is the living, breathing embodiment of a feel-good show, and that’s not a bad thing. Do I sometimes wish that Claudia Joy would push Lenore down a flight of stairs or Roxy would develop a split-personality and start hookin’ at the Hump Bar? Sure, but that’s because I’m a viewer who likes big drama. But on a weekly basis, WIVES does what few other shows today even attempt: It entertains and uplifts in a subtle way that leaves you looking forward to each weekly visit with the men and women of Fort Marshall… even if you’re not entirely sure why.  

Okay, confession time. Last night, I watched an episode of THE HILLS. Having been hearing about this show for years, it seemed like it was time. And, I’ll be honest: I wanted to check out Heidi’s new boobs. (They’re no longer real… and they’re spectacular.) I almost fell asleep during the “previously on” segment thanks to Kristin’s snooze-inducing monotonish monologue. The episode centered on rumors being spread about Stephanie being a druggie. One of the problems I have with shows like this comes down to the very unreality of their supposed reality: Um, hey, how about Kristin just watch the endless hours of footage to find out who’s said what about her? There was a much-discussed party which I expected to be some kind of glamourous gathering but turned out to be a backyard BBQ at which the talk revolved around Heidi’s boobs and who said what about whom. Oh, and of course, there was the walking joke that is Spencer Pratt, covered in “healing crystals” and babbling about the key to Atlantis when not being a complete ass to his sister. At one point, Spencer went to chill with a friend, only to wind up ranting like one of those insane homeless people you see on the streets and avoid like — or for fear that they carry — the plague. I kept expecting his stoner pal to utter, “Dude, you’re totally harshing my mellow”, but he never did. I can’t help but wonder if someday, Spencer will look back at this and be ashamed, but I get the sense that he is a creature completely incapable of doing so. Instead, he’ll play the fool until his dying day, milking it for all its worth… which is, by all reports, more money than all of us combined will make this year. The show is a sad, tragic statement on today’s celebrity obsession and what passes for “role models” for the MTV generation… and I’d be lying if I didn’t say it will be damn difficult to resist turning in next week. But I’m sure as hell gonna try.

MERLIN (8PM NBC, 7PM CTV in Canada)
Arthur slays a unicorn, which if Harry Potter taught us anything, probably means really bad news for Camelot.

ARMY WIVES (10PM Lifetime)
Claudio Joy and Denise escort a former Gilmore Girl senator’s widow (Kelly Bishop) to a groundbreaking ceremony on the base.

MAD MEN (10PM AMC)
In what gets our vote for most misleading episode logline of the week comes courtesy of MAD MEN’s third season premiere: Sal accompanies Don on a business trip to Baltimore, where both men succumb to the powers of persuasive seduction. Trust us, totally not what you’re thinking! Click here for our full review.

ADDITIONAL TV ADDICTIONS:
TRUE BLOOD (9PM HBO)
HUNG (10PM HBO)
ENTOURAGE (10:30PM HBO)

In these trying times, ARMY WIVES may be the perfect primetime soap for viewers looking to find a world where things make sense despite the fact that the one we live in often doesn’t. For the men and women who live on the active army base at fictional Fort Marshall, South Carolina, there are well-established rules in place and consequences must be paid by those who don’t abide by them.

It’s an oddly comforting place to be given the pervasive “anything-goes” culture that surrounds us.

This is a world where a nurse’s dalliance with a patient winds up costing the woman her job… not because she is married, but because she signed a Code Of Conduct contract and her behavior violated it. And when marital problems push a military man into the arms of a woman who is not his wife, he must think not only about the vows he took at his wedding but also the impact on his career in the army.

In the third season (the premiere episode of which debuted last night and can be seen again tonight at 9 p.m. ET on Lifetime), it’s clear that this is a show with one of the strongest moral compasses on the air. But don’t for one minute making the mistake of thinking that somehow detracts from the soapy drama at hand. If anything, it enhances it, because the characters here are at war with not only themselves but the powerful higher calling they — or their spouses — have signed on for by taking on a role in the military.

In the world of ARMY WIVES, even young love is influenced by forces greater than hormones. In the opening moments of the premiere, 16-year-old Emmalin Holden, daughter of Fort Marshall’s Brigadier General, has run off with her slightly-older beau. But their plan to tie the knot is quickly foiled by the double-threats imposed by her father and the young man’s budding army career. Needless to say, the heartbroken Emmalin — whose sister was killed last season following an explosion — will prove something of a handful for mom Claudia Joy (radiant series star Kim Delaney) in the weeks to come.

Unlike a certain group of DESPERATE wives, the women of Fort Marshall rarely find themselves going an episode without doing a little bonding. Their friendships are at the heart of the show and, like the codes of conduct which serve as an invisible character, those relationships are palpable and essential. Without them, the show would not work as well as it does, and most daytime soaps could learn a thing or two about storytelling from the writers who keep both the relationships and the storylines grounded in reality. ARMY WIVES is a guilt-free pleasure thanks to its enormous heart and genuine sense of community.

As one might expect from a show on Lifetime, ARMY WIVES can, on occasion, become overly sentimental and, every now and then, predictable. But in the hands of a stellar cast — I defy anyone to not fall in love with Sally Pressman’s Roxy — the show shines where others might fail. And given the lack of original, non-reality programming, this sudsy drama couldn’t come at a better time.