Best Feud: One almost feels bad for Fox News as one man — Jon Stewart’s THE DAILY SHOW — repeatedly makes mince meat of their entire network. Almost.
 
The “Don’t Let The Door Hit Ya Where The Good Lord Split Ya” Award Goes To… : Vinny, The Situation and any other JERSEY SHORE cast member who walks away — or threatens to — from the show. Dudes, if you think there aren’t about 5.3 million folks with equally low IQ’s willing to act like complete asshats in order to make millions of dollars, you know nothing about the tragic state of today’s society.
 
Campaign With The Most Bite: Discovery Channel brilliantly released ads using Lady Gaga’s “Show Me Your Teeth” to promote Shark Week.
 
Person You Never Want On A Jury Judging You: CNN’s Nancy Grace proved that she is a believer not in justice and points of law but mob rule by calling Casey Anthony’s jury “kooky” and other derogatory terms. Better still, she proved herself a hypocrite by then taking John King to task for showing clips in which she was criticized by an actual juror. Note to Ms. Grace: If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Most Ridiculous Controversy: A DirecTV ad featuring a fake boxer named Truth sparked accusations of racism and elder abuse from people who clearly have never MONDAY NIGHT RAW, which features walking stereotype R. Truth. Oh, and who also clearly have no sense of humor whatsoever.
 
Most Obvious Outcome: According to LA Weekly, the reason the winner of AMERICA’S NEXT GREAT RESTAURANT saw his franchise fail was… bad food. Huh. You’d think someone would have taken that into consideration.
 
Go Ahead, Laugh: The folks at Deadline Hollywood reported that Russell T. Davies — creator of TORCHWOOD and QUEER AS FOLK — would be doing a new series for Showtime. The only known details? The show will revolve around gay men and is named CUCUMBER. The jokes right themselves, kids.
 
Most Likely To Be Banging Their Heads: NBC execs who will pay a fortune for the 2018 Winter Olympics… which will be broadcast from Korea, a country with a 14-hour time difference, thus assuring most events won’t air live during primetime.
 
Train Wreck Of The Week: As always, BIG BROTHER promised to be both the most addictive and, thanks to the presence of wildly-annoying former-contestant Rachel, annoying guilty pleasure of the summer.
 
Most Unexpected News: ABC announced that they’d sold the licensing for doomed soaps ALL MY CHILDREN and ONE LIFE TO LIVE to Prospect Park production company and that the shows would continue on-line via an as-yet-unlaunched Hulu-like service. Fans were cautiously optimistic yet skeptical, especially given ABC’s having treated them like red-headed stepchildren in the past.
 
Luckiest Chick Ever: Showtime’s HOUSE OF LIES cast conventional hunk Michael Rady (MELROSE PLACE) and unconventional hunk Nick Stahl (CARNIVAL) to woo Kristen Bell.
 
Oddest Debate Among Pop Culture Aficionados: The hottest topic among TV columnists? Are there too many breasts (tits, boobies, dirty pillows, etc) on networks like HBO and Showtime. Guess if you never get to touch ‘em in real life, you’ll look for any excuse to write about ‘em, right nerds?

What a difference a year makes! Last season, TRUE BLOOD’s main storyline — about a creature named Mary Ann who wanted to… um, well, do something bad that I didn’t really give much of a crap about. But this year’s various plotlines were compelling and humor-filled, turning this into the HBO show’s best-yet showing (both from a story-telling point and, perhaps not coincidentally, ratings wise). And what an amazing twist the finale offered, having Eric reveal that the attack on Sookie — which took place way back in the very first episode — was set up by Bill. While the various cliffhangers (Tara left town, Sam seemed to have shot his ne’er-do-well brother, Lafayette found out his beau is a witch, and Sookie caught the fairyland express) weren’t necessarily the kind of jaw-droppers one might expect of a show before its extended hiatus, they also didn’t feel forced. Season four won’t hit until next summer, but if it’s as great as the one which just ended, we’ll gladly wait.

Is it just me, or should someone snap up BIG BROTHER’s Lane and turn him into a reality star? That guy is sexy and funny as all get-out. 

Given how often we’ve found ourselves saying “Shame on you, ABC” where BACHELOR PAD is concerned, it’s only fitting that the season finale earns our scorn yet again. How this time? By turning the episode into one long pimp of the network’s DANCING WITH THE STARS. As if that weren’t bad enough, they trotted out former BACHELOR Jake for yet another appearance, allowing him, Trista and Melissa to serve as the lamest, most complimentary judges since Paula Abdul. And if anyone out there thinks for one second they didn’t make sure to play upon Elizabeth’s nearly psychotic insecurities by throwing the gorgeous Edyta into his path, I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn with your name on it that can be had for a very reasonable price. 

Want to know who makes the final 3 in SCREAM QUEEN’s second season (airing September 27) without waiting to see the next couple of episodes, which have yet to air? No problem. Go to VH1.com and read the episode description for the finale, which tells you exactly who will compete in the last episode. 

Why is MTV’s latest season of THE REAL WORLD heading back to Las Vegas? Could someone tell the folks at MTV that there are many cities out there yet to be exploited by… er, trashed by… er, exlored by the increasingly-moronic people chosen to  inhabit the house. This show has become less and less relevant over the years, and setting it at Sin City’s Hard Rock Hotel & Casino isn’t exactly propelling it back into the realm of relevancy. 

For soap fans, this is a sad week. Friday, AS THE WORLD TURNS ends its 54-year run, coming a year after GUIDING LIGHT — the longest-running dramatic series in television history — came to an end. This has, of course, led to a spate of stories in the mainstream media about the death of the genre. The irony, of course, is that those same outlets — most notably Entertainment Weekly — all but ignore soaps even as they give endless, breathless coverage to such flash-in-the-pan “celebs” as the Kardashians and Snookie. Even TV Guide — a publication supposedly devoted to all-things television — gives soaps (which, even in their greatly-reduced number, will, after ATWT ends, account for 27.5 hours of original programming each and ever week) less than a page of coverage per issue, and that’s downright pathetic. 

… has reality TV run out of pretty people? That’s the only explanation we can come up with to explain some of the casting that has hit our TV screen of late. Take, for example, JERSEY SHORE. Yes, those crazy kids are good for train-wreck TV, but surely there must be some desperate young people out there who are both willing to make fools of themselves on national television and attractive… right? Sure, Sammi’s pretty, but that is more than counterbalanced by the horror that is Snooki. And come on, there must be at least one guy who has a killer bod and isn’t the male version of a butterface!

Then again, maybe not.

After all, ABC’s recently concluded second season of TRUE BEAUTY featured a cast who might have been acceptable were the show titled TRUE NOT-QUITE-HAWT-BUT-TRASHY-IN-AN-AFTER-10-DRINKS-YOU-MIGHT-CALL-THEM-A-BEAUTY. Aside from Taylor, who seemed the inevitable winner (both as far as looks and personality) from the start, the rest of the contestants had a look that indicated they’d have been better suited for a show called TRUELY DELUSIONAL or even TRUE CRAZIES. 

Even BIG BROTHER, which has pretty much forsaken any attempt to cast a multi-generational cast in favor of people who were obviously selected for their dramatic and aesthetic appeal, has failed to deliver in the hottie department. Things looked promising when first we met Hayden and Brendon, but then the former opened his mouth and the latter met Rachel. Britney is cute, and Lane has turned out to be an unexpected treat, but that’s pretty slim pickings in a house full of people who are gonna spend the entire summer half naked!

When it comes to summer programming in general and reality in particular, it’s been proven over and over again that we aren’t all that picky. But we do have at least some standards, and googly-eyed guido Pauly D ain’t cuttin’ it. If the casting folks don’t step up their game, we’ll be forced to take drastic measures… like going (shudder) outside and heading to a park in order to look for bathing beauties ourselves! 

Hell hath no fury like a vampire scorned. Just ask Russell Edgington, the bloodsucker who, after interrupting a TBBN telecast and declaring to the world “We will eat you, after we eat your children”, changed the game as it is played in the TRUE BLOOD universe. From the beginning, the show existed in an alternate universe in which vampirism is, if not accepted, then certainly acknowledged, with a group called the American Vampire League fighting for a Vampire Rights Amendment. But as Edgington put it in his anger-fueled, terrifying address, “mine is the true face of vampires! Why would we seek equal rights? You are not our equals.” On a show that is already having its best season to date, it was a chilling moment that hinted of a great war to come between the immortals and their prey. From the edge of our seats, we could only say, “Bring it!”

Speaking of Sunday-night vamps, how amazing was the sequence in which THE GATES? Dylan and Claire dealt with the aftermath of her being bitten by bad boy bloodsucker Christian? It was a fascinating take on one of the oldest of soap storylines, rape, with the oft-sexualized bite replacing sex as the offensive act. Claire’s husband was shocked and horrified that his wife had allowed another man to sully their union, while she was left to deal with questions of whether or not she’d brought the “attack” on by spending so much time with a man she knew wanted desperately to destroy her marriage and bring out her repressed vampiric tendencies. While watching the emotion-packed scenes unfold, it was easy to forget that these were vampires talking about an unwanted nibble and not a traditional couple dealing with the aftermath of a sexual violation. It kills me that this show, which took a while to find its footing, is being trampled by reruns of CSI: MIAMI and LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT. Given how poorly some of summer?s original, non-reality programming is doing, I don?t wanna hear anybody out there complaining when next year, June ushers in a slew of unscripted crap. You get what you ask for.

Speaking of unscripted crap, I can’t decide whether I love or loath this year’s BIG BROTHER. I thanked every God I don’t believe in when Rachel got the boot if only so I wouldn’t have to watch the most dysfunctional showmance in recent history continue to unfold. If Rachel and Brendon?s real-world loved ones have any sense whatsoever, they’ll prevent these two from hooking up outside the house. It’s one thing to be trapped in a house with those two, but to have them show up at every family event for the rest of your lives? “Rachel, could you pass the salt and the arsinic, please?” Now, of course, everything Brendon does is for his evicted girlfriend, which is kinda entertaining in a “Lord, that guy is a complete asshat” way. But between him and The Brigade (Matt, why on Earth are you still working with those buffoons?), this might well go down as the show’s most annoying season ever.

So Steven Tyler is the new AMERICAN IDOL judge, huh? Seems they went looking for someone to fulfill the “OMG, Paula is a mess” chair and, well, I suspect they found the perfect applicant! Frankly, all I can think of is the famous exchange from the movie “Tootsie” in which a director says, “I’d like to make her a little more attractive. How far back can you pull?” and the cameraman asks, “How do you feel about Cleveland?”

I’m not a Blackberry user, but whenever the commercials talking about the device’s messenger service comes out and they all start talking about “BBM’s”, I can’t think of anything but bowel movements. Big bowel movements. I’m guessing that’s not exactly what Blackberry’s marketing team hoped…

While the 12th season of BIG BROTHER is turning out to be a major snoozefest, last night we were at least kept entertained by the unexpectedly entertaining things said by Lane, the Texas boy who until now has been relatively quiet. 

Upon seeing a statue of a unicorn: “I’ve seen a lot of horses in my life, and none of them have had a horn growing out of their forehead.”

On his love of guns: “It?s not uncommon to see a gun in someone’s car or someone’s truck. It doesn?t mean we?re going to go rob a bank. You know, we might be bored that day and want to go shoot a turtle!” 

Explaining a favorite hobby: “You’ll have 10 people with rifles and a case of beer, riding through a pasture at nighttime with a spotlight. An’ you shine it in the trees and when you see eyes, you shoot it. An’ you just go out there and kill stuff.” 

And the one that doesn?t even need an explanation: “I didn’t know Jewish guys wore ninja outfits when they prayed. That’s the good thing about being in BIG BROTHER. You know, I can learn different cultures and how they work.” 

On his home state, Texas: “We’re a state, we have laws, too!”

Broadcast delays: Sorry, but thanks to the potent combination of the internet and CBS’ own live feeds, any fan of the show not only knows days in advance what’s going to happen, but the real story as opposed to what the editors try and sell us. And trust me, the real story is always more interesting.

Bad casting: As our friends over at howrudeareyou.com pointed out in THIS POST, by filling the house with volatile, unlikeable people, that doesn’t give viewers many “root-for” options. (Thank God for Jordan!)

Scheduling: Ever since CBS moved the weekend episode from Saturday to Sunday, the show is regularly pushed back when sporting events run over. This weekend’s golf game caused the show to run 20 minutes over on the East Coast, meaning many viewers who tape the show found the all-important, episode-ending nomination ceremony being cut off.

Boredom: The show’s “been there, done that” feel is so contageous that even the contestants seem to be walking through the entire thing. If they’re not interested, why should we be?

I’m not proud about this, but I’ll admit that when watching THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA I fast forward through everything that doesn’t involve human train wrecks Kim and NeNe. Come to think of it, I’m not proud that I watch that show, period.

Having trouble sleeping at night? Tune into BIG BROTHER AFTER DARK over on Showtime Two. I switched it on last night and about 10 minutes later kicked myself, asking, “Am I really sitting here watching Jesse scrub dishes and make a sandwich?” The thrice-weekly episodes are painful enough. I sure as heck don’t need to put myself through the live stuff. So far this season, Jordan is my favorite houseguest. I kinda love that she’s dumb as a brick. She and Jeff seem pretty compatible in that regard, wouldn’t you say? Russell has grown on me, but Chima… there’s just something about her that skeeves me out. At least the wildly annoying Ronnie is finally gone. Lord, that boy worked my nerves…

A personal note to Nigel Lythgoe and any other producer out there thinking of hiring Paula Abdul: Please know that you will be doing so at the risk of your credibility. One of the things that has always set SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE apart from IDOL is the fact that the judges offer valid critiques as opposed to the insipid “Well, you look real pretty” remarks that Paula tries to pass off as valid. Yes, it might be interesting to see the former choreographer compete on DANCING WITH THE STARS (although given her history of back problems, I can’t help but think she would prove a sub-par performer), but for the most part, execs need to realize her value to them is mostly as a ratings-grabbing ploy. Then again, Lythgoe proved he’s not above that with the whole Katie Holmes performance this season, sold — not blatantly, but definitely intentionally — as a “live” gig, even going so far as to film it in such a manner as to try and trick viewers into thinking it had been done in front of the studio audience when it obviously wasn’t. These kind of stunts only serve to take away from the credibility of a show that, for the most part, proves itself to have far more integrity than most reality offerings (right down to acknowledging that they are searching for America’s “favorite” dancer as opposed to “best”) currently airing.

The current season of MTV’s THE REAL WORLD may have less to do with the real world than any in its history… and that’s including the Las Vegas-based Stephen and “Trashelle” season. And unless I miss my guess, someone needs to tell sex-starved Jasmine that the reason she ain’t getting any from Patrick is that he bats for the other team…

Airing over the past few months on ABC directly after THE BACHELORETTE, the woefully underrated NEWLYWEDS had something that few reality offerings do today: charm. The show appeared to be shot on a shoestring budget, had a laidback host and featured contestants who almost immediately defied the stereotypes which leapt to mind when they first appeared on screen.

During the first episode, I fell in loathe-at-first-sight with The Corliss’, who looked like a porn star and her meathead hubby. Yet by the end of the first hour, they’re wildly appealing senses of humor and down-to-earth nature had made them, against all odds, my favorites and the eventual winners. Thoughout the run of the show, each of the couples had their moments to shine and not a single one disappointed.

The same can not be said of this season’s housemates on BIG BROTHER. There’s not a Dan (last year’s winner) or Dr. Will (the charismatic bad guy who became one of the most compelling housemates in the show’s history) among them. Instead, we have loud, obnoxious, annoying people who are walking stereotypes. Worse, it is already wildly clear to anyone watching or reading about the live feeds that CBS is once again laying favorites in the editing of the show. A recently-aired confrontation between musclehead Russell and pretty-boy Jeff made the weightlifter look like the bad guy and his teammate look like an innocent man under attack. Of course, what they failed to show was the derogatory stream of gay slurs Jeff threw at his housemate on this occasion and several others.

Obviously, many of the people put into the BIG BROTHER house are there because they’ll create drama and, the network hopes, get people talking. But at this point, there seems to be no balancing personality… the person you root for amidst the madness.

And that’s why HERE COMES THE NEWLYWEDS deserves special — if belated — praise: The show went against the current trend in reality casting of looking for explosive personalities and instead gave us actual — God forbid — likeable people to root for. Here’s hoping that the network brings the show back next summer and gives us another batch of fun, relatable people whom we actually enjoy spending time with. It’d sure make a nice change of pace.