The TV Addict 

At what point does a spoiler stop becoming a spoiler? I was talking to someone recently about NIP/TUCK and why I was disappointed in the big season three reveal concerning the identity of The Carver. The person I was chatting with suddenly got so upset, I could only assume I had been wildly gesticulating — you know, to better illustrate my point — and somehow severed one of their primary arteries. “I haven’t seen that yet! I just got season one from Netflix!” they said, as if I should somehow have been aware that they were drinking from a water cooler nobody had been chatting around in five years. Another friend of mine was taken to task for having “revealed” the identity of a major character who dies in the Harry Potter series. (I’m not being vague out of fear that I might spoil a surprise for you, gentle readers, but because, um, it’s been SO long since I read the book in question or saw the movie it spawned that I can’t remember!) Sure, it’s one thing if you taped, TiVo’s, DVR’d or are planning to watch something on-line that aired a few days ago. But after a week or two, doesn’t a spoiler become, well, literally yesterday’s news? Is the world supposed to speak of the adventures of P. Sawyer and B. Davis in hushed tones because I’m only now watching season two of ONE TREE HILL?

I’d like to get excited about the fact that ONE TREE HILL creator Mark Schwahn is in negotiations to head up the new incarnation of MELROSE PLACE… but let’s not forget that it wasn’t all that long ago that VERONICA MARS mastermind Rob Thomas was being talked about as the man who would update 90210. Wonder if that show would be better if he’d actually stuck around that zip code? In any case, I’m of two minds where the Schwahn/MP talk is concerned. On the one hand, TREE HILL is one of my favorite guilty pleasures, which is pretty much all I want out of a new versionof MELROSE PLACE. On the other hand, um, doesn’t the fact that TREE HILL is so great kind of negate the need for MELROSE? Especially since Schwahn would, like Thomas, only have him penning the initial script before handing the whole thing over to someone else. And by “someone else” we mean people far less talented. Like those writing 90210 now.

So AMERICAN IDOL is pulling the plug on IDOL GIVES BACK because the economy is in the toilet? Isn’t that rather like not feeding a bulimic because they’ll just vomit it up anyway? Oh, and don’t worry about those pesky rumors that the judges will be nicer this season. Executive producer Ken Warwick tells USA TODAY the comments of the judges (read: Simon) won’t be softened. “If they’re mean, they’re mean.” When the producer says he will “do his best to offset” the drop in ratings, why do I hear, “Simon will be meaner, we’ll feature more folks who can’t sing and don’t be surprised if we do a special tribute to Paula’s dead stalker!”

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Is it just me, or have the networks thrown in the towel?

NBC has decided to dispense with original programming in the 10 p.m. slot five nights a week in favor of a Jay Leno-hosted chatfest. Many nights, you’re more likely to find a reality show than a scripted program on at least two of the five major nets. Same-week reruns liter the schedule. And quality programming — think DAMAGES, TRUE BLOOD or RESCUE ME — are more likely to be found on cable.

Worse, many of their upcoming offerings stink of flop-sweat. Take MOMMA’S BOYS. Please. Take it, and don’t come back. Or the latest incarnation of THE BACHELOR, in which a single dad seems ready to turn his son’s future well-being into fodder for a reality show on which past contestants have exhibited truly attrocious behavior.

Across the board, network numbers are down. But perhaps they have only themselves to blame. After all, they’re making it easier and easier for us to watch the shows they’re offering at our leisure. We can watch on-line, or wait until the end of the season and purchase the shows on DVD. We can cruise on over to iTunes, or Hulu.com or AOLvideo.com or… well, you get the picture. Suddenly, Must-See TV has morphed into Will-See-When-I-Get-Around-To-It TV. And of course, the current ratings system is tragically flawed, perhaps broken beyond repair.

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Angels and demons and wisecracks, oh my! Yup, SUPERNATURAL is back with a vengeance. “Apocalypse?” asks Dean upon finding out what he and brother Sam are up against. “As in apocalypse apocalypse? The four horsemen, pestilence, five-dollar-a-gallon gas apocalypse?” Two episodes into the new season, they’re doing everything right. Dean was out of hell quicker than you can say “ouch, those chains must hurt!” and we now have Castiel, the creepy angel (sorry, but I just don’t trust the guy!) to add a whole new layer to the story being told. One of the things this show does incredibly well is reward regular viewers with episodes like last night’s, in which several secondary characters from the past came back to haunt our harried heroes. As Castiel hinted, there are “big things afoot”… and I can’t wait!

Is there anything worse than seeing a show you love go down the tubes? Last season, I became disapointed in UGLY BETTY, which seemed to have lost its way and, even worse, its heart. But if Thursday night’s third-season premiere was any indication, I may eventually look fondly back on BETTY’s sophomore slump. Why? Because once again, our heroine — who during the sublime debut season was the voice of reason in a world gone mad — is back to acting like… well, the lead in a very bad sitcom. In one episode, she bought an apartment sight-unseen, engaged in a childish food fight and somehow wound up riding a motorcycle into a pool of bikini-glad women. Worse, she wasn’t the only one to act completely out of character. Sorry, but Hilda has far too much respect for her father and son to have sex on the living room couch… even if it is with uber-hot Eddie Cibrian. Heck, even Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa were possessed by behavior-modifying pod people as they always fawning hosts trash-talked the Meade family and their new publication. Yeah, that’d happen. As the hour came to a close, I looked forward to one of the cliffhangers the show was once known for… only to get Betty dancing ala every female on GREY’S ANATOMY after meeting her cute neighbor… who, I’m guessing, is supposed to make me forget about Henry and Gino. Apparently, investing in that whole triangle was a big ol’ waste of my time. If this episode was a sign of things to come, I’m not hopeful about the new season.(Although i would urge them to sign Lindsay Lohan to more episodes, as she was a surprisingly delightful bright spot as Betty’s high-school nemesis, Kimberly.)

I’ll admit that last season, LIPSTICK JUNGLE somehow became something of a guilty pleasure for me. I hated myself for liking it because, well, frankly, I couldn’t explain exactly what I liked about it. Looks like I came to my senses over the summer, because I can freely admit that this week’s season two premiere was pure crap. Looks Like I have a free hour on my schedule. Any suggestions for a replacement?

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Sometimes, I just don’t know what people want. The critics were fairly brutal where SWINGTOWN is concerned, and yet I found it — and no one is more surprised than I to have this be the first word which comes to mind — charming. Every moment seemed to offer a new flashback to an era I kinda sorta vaguely remember (having been a pre-teen in 1976). People smoking on planes, the funky fashions, references to The Omen and oh, that glorious, wonderful parade of cheesy songs! I’m sure those who tuned in expecting a smutfest left wildly disappointed, as the series is driven more by character than plot and, despite having sexual mores as it’s central theme, tends to take a less-is-more approach. But if you go into it looking for a good time, well, you’re gonna leave as satisfied as the party guests who ventured down into Tom and Trina Decker’s basement. Sure, it’d would have been nice if the doe-eyed couple who move from Eden to Gomorrah had taken a tad longer to be corrupted. By the end of the first episode, Susan had popped a Qualude and ditched long-time gal pal Janet (the delightful Miriam Shor) for life on the swingin’ side of town. But heck, who could resist the charms of deliciously sleezy Tom as personified by Grant Show? Given the way Janet’s hubby was eyeing Susan (and that “Geez, do we really have to leave?” look he gave his wife after she accidentally wandered into an orgy room and demanded of her happy-to-be-there spouse, “Do you know what kind of party this is?”), I’m dying to see where things go. Sorry, but in a summer filled with reality and reruns, you’d have to be a total square not to dive into this groovefest. The writing’s on the (bathroom) wall: For a good time, call the residents of SWINGTOWN.

While I abhor the endless AMERICAN IDOL auditions which seem to stretch for months, I’m wishing that SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE would show us more of the episodes in which they search for finalists. In part, this is due to the fact that while IDOL focuses on the negative, DANCE nearly always finds a way to spin things in a positive manner. But more important is the fact that we seem to miss out on key steps in the audition process. Personally, I want to see the dancers trained by contestant-turned-choreographer Travis, which we get only snipets of. And certainly when we got to the highly hyped “Vegas week”, which consisted of a single episode, I was dying to see more of the grueling process through which these talented young people go. So while it’s true that with IDOL, less would definitely be more, the complete opposite is true where DANCE is concerned.

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Who knew that NBC could actually pull off a horror anthology? Okay, sure, it might be a little too soon to judge FEAR ITSELF, but the first episode was surprisingly good. Sure, I would have liked a more original story, but vampires are an easy sell. (Um, except where CBS’ MOONLIGHT was concerned. What the heck went wrong there?) I thought this offering was a heck of a lot better than 80 percent of what Showtime’s MASTERS OF HORROR offered up in its lackluster second season. I’ll admit that the scenes for next week’s episode — featuring Eric Roberts as a detective literally haunted by the sins of his past — didn’t do much for me, but that doesn’t mean I won’t give it a shot. There’s way too little good horror being offered on television these days, so I’m going to give this show a chance. I mean, it’s months and months until the Winchester boys of SUPERNATURAL come back, and we’ve gotta pass the time somehow… right?

As a fan of reality television, I’ve seen a lot of selfish, obnoxious behavior. But never have I witnessed anything that compares to the horrendous antics on display each week during THE REAL WORLD: HOLLYWOOD. This week, alcoholic Joey returned from a 30-day stint in therapy and before his arrival, the housemates met with an expert on addictions. The group agreed to do what they could to help Joey deal with his problem, promising to avoid putting him in situations which might cause him to fall off the wagon. Despite talk of various activities they would do to help keep him occupied — bowling, etc — the very first night, the housemates went out, got drunk and woke him up at 4:30 in the morning. And don’t get me started on Greg, the pretentious, obnoxious, lying little nutjob who manages to came off as self-absorbed even in the context of this immature crowd of posers and got exactly what he deserved when he was kicked off the show. Best of all? The guy who alienated everyone in the house was somehow caught off-guard by the fact that none of his housemates stepped up to defend him.

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Thank you, LOST, for showing every other show on television how to do a cliffhanger. Because frankly, until last night, I was worried that America would have nothing to talk about all summer. Heaven knows pretty much every other show I watch had less-than-buzzworthy endings.

Am I really supposed to get excited about the fact that five years down the road, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES’ Susan is making out with the guy from QUEER AS FOLK? (Way to waste a gimmick that was already done better by LOST.) Or that GOSSIP GIRL’s Chuck went back to his wicked ways after having spent about four minutes devoted to Blair? And don’t get me started on the non-cliffhanger that was Meredith and Derek’s reunion on GREY’S ANATOMY.

Even SUPERNATURAL – aka the show y’all changed my mind about – didn’t have the kick-ass finale I was hoping for. Yes, it was good, but… well, it ain’t like we don’t know that Sam is gonna rescue Dean from hell!

And one of the only other cliffhangers worth talking about – “Who was on the other end of the phone that ONE TREE HILL’s Lucas dialed? – was a let down thanks to the fact we’d already seen the big moment play out (endlessly) in promos!

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When LOST rocks, it rocks. And last night… yup, the ship was definitely swayin’. Best moment of the episode? Sun earning her “pimp” card by telling her dastardly dad that she’d bought his company out from under him. In other news, the show did something I love and that too few programs have the ability to do these days: take a single basic storyline and divide it into several segments involving numerous characters and then build each individual plot to a cliffhanger. Will the boat explode? Will Ben sacrifice himself in order to help Locke become a hero? When the heck did Kate become such a great tracker? (Um, okay, let’s forget that last question… although it’s a valid one.)

Listen up, ’cause I’m only going to say this once: Thanks, you rapid worshippers of the Winchester boys, for using your powers for good by rallying to humble me into giving SUPERNATURAL a second look. If you hadn’t, I’d have missed a heck of a season, not to mention last night’s literally kick-ass finale. From the fantastic use of music (particularly Kansas’ “Carry On My Wayward Son”) to the fast-and-furious one-liners (my personal favorite? Dean referring to Ruby as “our slutty little Yoda”), this was a roller coaster of a ride made all the more emotional by the fact that you people got me to care about the Winchesters almost as much as they care for one another. Yes, the “Lillith in the suburbs” scenario was a little too reminiscent of one of my all-time favorite TWILIGHT ZONE episodes, but homages are one of the things this show does best. In fact, that final scene — with evil forces having gotten their “hooks” into Dean — reminded me of something right out of one of fav fright flicks, HELLRAISER. Yup, you fans totally reeled me into this show… heck, I’ve even kinda sorta maybe gotten used to that put-on voice Jensen uses.

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For all its flaws, BROTHERS & SISTERS knows how to play the emotional beats of a story. When Kevin walked into the living room to see that his mom had not only ignored his “no flowers” edict but transformed the room into a virtual greenhouse, it was both predictable and charming. “Tonight, Kevin, you don’t get to be guarded or cynical,” she told him, barely holding back her tears. And it was interesting to get the perspective of older, newly-out Saul, who called his nephew’s commitment ceremony “one of the bravest things” he’d ever seen. It’s an interesting commentary on how far network television has come in a relatively short period of time that Kevin’s big day was not given the sort of “blink-and-you’ll-miss-it” treatment that it might have received only a decade or two again. (Think DYNASTY’s sexually confused Steven or MELROSE PLACE’s perpetual also-ran, Matt). Frankly, it’s kinda surprising to me that this show got “the gay story” so right and yet completely blew the Justin/Rebecca situation. I can’t help thinking that the ickiness of their relationship might not have been so jarring had they show done what I’ve been begging them to do for ages and slowed down. Not every story has to unfold in two episodes. that episode-ending kiss may have been a little easier to accept had viewers had the summer hiatus to adjust to the idea. Instead, it was too much, too soon. Meanwhile, did anyone else half expect Robert and Kitty to announce they’d be adopting Rebecca? And I’ll make an early prediction right now: Next season, the Walker clan will discover that their mysterious new sibling is… Ryan Atwood, a troubled kid from the O.C.! Oh, and a note to the ABC promo department: A new family member and a kiss everyone saw coming a mile away do not constitute “the jaw-dropping cliffhanger of the year.”

I have to admit that I skipped out on the first two hours of last night’s SURVIVOR fest. As exciting as this season has been, I found that I didn’t really care which of the four gals walked away a winner. I did, however, tune in for the reunion special, which is always a blast. Did someone forget to tell Jeff Probst when it was going to be? Is that why he showed up looking as if he hadn’t washed his hair for a week? That said, he’s such a pro and always knows exactly what questions to ask. He talks about the things we the viewers want to dish about, unlike a certain Chenbot whose BIG BROTHER interviews are just notoriously awful.

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You know how just the other day I was bitching about the fact that too many shows have come back from their extended strike-induced absences with lame episodes featuring virtually no plot movement? Well, although SUPERNATURAL’s first post-strike episode (with the GHOSTFACERS reality crew) wasn’t my favorite, last nights offering more than made up for it. The Winchester boys were in find sted as they dealt with a zombified doc, the search for Bella, the ticking time bomb that is Dean’s date with death and perhaps the most highly-anticipated demons ever, Lillith. Anyone else get goosebumps every time her name is mentioned? (Maybe it’s because I only recently finished reading the Morrigan’s Cross trilogy by Nora Roberts, which featured a cool-ass vampire by that name.) The episode was gruesome (stolen body parts!), revealing (Lillith killed Bella’s folks) and funny (”Demons? Untrustworthy? Imagine that!”). I know, I know, there was a time when I loathed this show with a fiery passion. Well, you people can pat yourselves on the back for having made a believer out of me. I hope you’re happy!

The second the needle hit the record during the opening seconds of LOST, I knew this was gonna be a good one. From the John-related flashbacks to what may have been my favorite line of exposition this season (”Hopefully, the man who lives in the cabin can tell us what to do about the people who are going to kill us.”), this week’s tale definitely made up for last week’s less-than-thrilling hour. Of course, as always, more questions were raised than answered, (Especially once John entered that damn cabin, which left me with, to quote an AP article which came out last week after Paula Abdul’s infamous IDOL double speak, “the furrowed brow of mystification.”) And how precious was the scene in which Hurley and Ben shared a candy bar?

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Afford me a moment of clarity: A woman who slept with a married man while also sleeping with another lover and then assumed — and, more importantly, allowed everyone else to assume — that her child belonged to the wealthier of the two somehow reacts to her daughter finally learning the facts of (her) life by kicking her out? What in the world has BROTHERS & SISTERS done to Holly Harper? Granted, she was never the most moral of women, but now, she’s been turned into a lying slut with a persecution complex! Worse, Holly then swooped in and basically took over the Walker family biz before anyone could find out about the fraud she’d perpetrated upon them via her daughter. Frankly, Rebecca should run as far from this dynasty of dysfunctional drunks (and take Scotty with her). I mean, Justin reacts to finding out that she’s not his sister by going off on the poor girl? This show frustrates me like no other… I love the actors, love the fun aspects, but when it comes to storylines it is as unsatisfactory as sex with a blow-up doll. Um, from what I hear.

I have so many mixed feeligns where this weeks GOSSIP GIRL installment is concerned. Plot wise? Great episode with a lot of fun stuff going on. Man, are they making great use of Georgina. But here’s where I get slightly disturbed: I get that in the end, GG sent a very nice message by having Serena and, eventually, Lily accept Eric’s homosexuality, having Asher toss around words like “queer” and “faggot” was a little unsettling for a show aimed at a teen audience. It might have felt different had we seen the self-loathing Asher brought down, but the social humiliation fell on the shoulders of his “hag”, Jenny. Meanwhile, what the hell has happened to Chuck? Remember when he was our nefarious nasty? These days, he’s Eric’s off-screen confidante and a background player. And why no Nate and Vanessa? Would it have killed the show to have them show up at — and utter a few lines during — Asher’s party?

Another week, another subpar DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. If the networks want to know why their shows aren’t doing so well, they might want to consider the fact that despite the fact that shows have fewer episodes (thanks to the strike) and we were told a heck of a lot of story would be crammed into them, what we’re actually getting feel like filler. Quick, name a major plot-point from this weeks DH. Were there some snappy lines? Sure. (Thank God for Gaby.) But most of the episode revolved around Kayla’s bad girl act (a retread of the routine she pulled upon first arriving), Susan’s trying to impress her ex-husband (yawn) and Bree refusing to forgive Orson. But again, and you’ll notice this is a recurring theme with me: Do we need yet another recurring regular (Gaby’s housemate) when so many interesting ones exist but are never used? Where is Bree’s son, Andrew? How about Susan’s nephew, Tim? Or maybe Rick, whose restaurant Lynette’s boys burned down? Why is Tuc Watkins (gay nabe Bob), one of the funniest actors to come out of daytime (where he plays ONE LIFE TO LIVE’s David) being completely wasted? Maybe it’s my completion issues, but it annoys me when shows introduce us to characters and then let them sit there doing nothing.

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