Oh, sure, everybody loves Raymond. But for some of us, it’s all about his sister-in-law, Amy. Every show has them: The recurring characters who make you smile when they pop up. Who are our faves? Glad you asked!

Mankini, THE SOUP
He’s a man. In a bikini. He’s Mankini! Even on a show featuring clips of trampy toddlers in their tiaras, squirrel stuffing and nutty newscasters, this hot mess manages to make a splash.

Cedric, THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS
Don’t even try to deny that when the trouble-causing creep walked into the party marking the grand opening of Lisa’s latest bar, things didn’t get 50 percent more interesting!

Steven, SUBURGATORY
As the absentee husband of Cheryl Hines’ hoot-and-a-half, Dallas, Jay Mohr manages to be — in turn — threatening, funny, slightly off-beat, creepy and hot. We’re not proud to admit that last part.

Coleman, GENERAL HOSPITAL
The gruff, mustachioed bartender played by Blake Gibbons reeks of sex. You know, the kind you’ll love in the moment and regret the next morning.

Consuela, FAMILY GUY
She’s more likely to diss you than do the dishes, but we’d still hire this sassy maid. If she’s good enough for Darth Vader, James Woods and Superman, hey… she’s good enough for us.

So many shows, so little time!  Is it wrong to love “the competition”?  With so many fun TV shows competing against each other in the same timeslots each night, it is enough to make any TV viewer extra-fatigued trying to find creative ways to watch everything.  Then there is the haunting feeling that you are “cheating” on all the other shows by picking one to watch LIVE versus the rest that are being recorded via DVR or time-shifted.  In addition, each week it can change night-by-night as the each show vies for our attention, pressuring viewers to be the one that they choose to spend their precious time with.
 
As an entertainment commentator and reporter, the decision of what to watch can be dictated by who I may be interviewing the next day or which shows I need to stay current with in order to be prepared for upcoming articles and deadlines.  For the average viewer, the decision may be swayed by special guest appearances, promised big moments, or a teaser preview that made the episode so mouth-wateringly tantalizing that they have to watch it was soon as possible.
 
With the availability to time-shift or watch TV shows online or on DVD, the need to watch every show LIVE has become obsolete.  For some savvy viewers, they never watch TV shows LIVE anymore.  They have found so many alternative ways to watch the shows they are interested in, that the concept of watching anything in “real time” is ludicrous.
 
But I know that I have a distinct feeling that I am “cheating” every time I switch the channel or decide to watch a show that I’ve previously recorded, while another one of my favorite shows is recording.  But should we feel so distraught and guilty?  With the availability of all the technology and alternative means to consume our entertainment, it should be presumed that we are merely exercising all the options.
 
It is just that television networks and studios are still stuck in the past and ignoring the fact that television is no longer about predetermined timeslots anymore.  In fact, if Hollywood were to actually look around, they’d see that television is much more flexible than ever before.  They are just two decades behind the times.  As my friends at TVgoodness are fond of saying, “it’s time to get with the program.”  Why is Hollywood so attached to the old format of primetime and Nielsen ratings?  Just as the technology has changed, the way viewers are watching television has changed.
 
As the Super Bowl just proved, there are over 100 million American television viewers to tap into.  With over 100 channels now competing for those 100 million eyeballs, the broadcast networks are scrambling to find television shows that will carve out a piece of the available pie.  But they are constantly forgetting that the available 100 million is strictly for Sunday viewing – when most people are not working – and it was for a very special occasion.  The average football game pulls in less than one-half of that amount. 
 
Being conservative, in theory, there is an average 45 million available viewers per night (Sundays through Thursday – you can’t count Fridays and Saturdays as the long-held tradition of “date night” is just something that television cannot adequately compete with).  With only 45 million to divvy up, the 100 plus channels are having to strain all their resources to get a “piece of the pie.”  Is it any wonder that between Fox, CBS, ABC, NBC and the CW, they are struggling to retain a significant chunk?
 
Let’s run some sample numbers: Tuesday nights at 8 pm, there is NCIS which will carve out 20 million, then there’s GLEE which usually grabs another 9 million, LAST MAN STANDING pulls about 7 million, NBC’s THE BIGGEST LOSER draws 6 million, and the CW’s 90210 about 1.3 million.   That totals about 43.3 total viewers — with a number of viewers venturing to other networks to check out ABC Family’s SWITCHED AT BIRTH, A&E’s STORAGE WARS or Food Network’s CUPCAKE WARS.
 
Once you change your thinking to the “pie” concept, it is pretty easy to estimate how new shows are going to fare.  Just look at what it is competing against in its assigned timeslot and you too can guess how many viewers will be available to check it out.  Like with the debut of ABC’s THE RIVER.  It was up against NCIS: LOS ANGELES (16 million), NEW GIRL (7 million), THE BIGGEST LOSER (7 million) and RINGER (1.2 million), with a number viewers tuning their channels at 9 pm to watch SHIPPING WARS (2 million), HARDCORE PAWN (2 million), DANCE MOMS (2 million) and the darling teen series JANE BY DESIGN (1.3 million).  Was there ever going to be more than 7-8 million available viewers that THE RIVER could carve out?  Not in this tough timeslot. 
 
Everyone is citing NBC’s new series SMASH as a great example of securing a large viewership, but when you analyze its timeslot, it merely picked up what was available.  SMASH airs Mondays at 10 p.m. up against CASTLE and HAWAII FIVE-0.  Typically, viewership declines for the 10 p.m. timeslot as viewers, who have to get up early for work the next day, go to bed.  So instead of the 45 million “pie,” it now drops to about 30 million.  With CASTLE and HAWAII FIVE-0 each claiming about 10 million viewers each, that only leaves about 10 million available viewers.  So SMASH debuted at 11.5 million, with CASTLE drawing 9 million and HAWAII FIVE-O its usually 10 million.  Headlines were quick to proclaim SMASH an instant hit, but really, that was the expected number of viewers it was supposed to draw.  That was the available number of viewers.
 
You can look at the 8 pm timeslot on Thursday nights and also see pretty quickly what several shows have dropped in viewership.  AMERICAN IDOL is taking 20 million, THE BIG BANG THEORY takes another 16 million, WIPEOUT pulls 6 million, leaving 30 ROCK to draw 3 million and THE VAMPIRE DIARIES at 2.7 million; for a grand total of 44.7 million viewers (not counting those who found alternative networks to watch).  Even back in November when AMERICAN IDOL was not around to squash all that is within its path, the numbers did not weight in certain shows’ favor.  THE BIG BANG THEORY still took the majority of viewers at 16 million, THE X FACTOR carved out 10 million, the now-cancelled CHARLIE’S ANGELS had 5 million, COMMUNITY scored 3.5 million and THE VAMPIRE DIARIES was at 3.3 million; for a total of 37.8 million.  I can’t imagine that SWAMP PEOPLE or SPONGEBOB siphoning off the remaining 7 million viewers; it was more likely that the football season was luring viewers or that the rapidly approaching holidays were curtaining television viewership.
 
While both networks and studios are quick to dismiss the “pie theory” way of determining whether TV shows are going to succeed or not, it is a pretty simple way for the average viewer to ascertain what is going on with ratings and why their favorite shows are not making it.  If the show is in a tough timeslot with too much competition, there just is not enough available viewers.
 
It also is a quick and easy way to see why new shows like TERRA NOVA, ALCATRAZ, THE FINDER and THE RIVER are plateauing at the 7-8 million mark.  That’s all that’s available.  SMASH got lucky as it had less competition and was able to draw 11 million.  The same thing is true with ONCE UPON A TIME – there was just less competition in its timeslot (though that may change once HARRY’S LAW moves into the same timeslot to compete in March).
 
Even former juggernauts like AMERICAN IDOL and SURVIVOR are seeing significant drops in viewership.  Everyone is spouting theories like “viewer fatigue” as to why these former bullet-proof shows are flagging.  But the “pie theory” works pretty well too.  More competition explains a lot.  Each show is carving out its niche of viewers and holding on tenaciously.
 
Also eating into the “pie” is the competition from Internet viewing.  Due to the increased number of shows that viewers want to watch — and the readily available alternate ways to watch TV shows (via the internet or DVD) — TV shows are also competing with new technology.  Viewers, who are stressed about two or three competing shows, are juggling how they view television.  They are exercising their right to use DVR’s to time-shift and record shows for later viewing and they are flocking to the Internet to watch shows on iTunes or network sites to catch shows they missed or could not squish onto their DVR’s.
 
Television cannot be measured by timeslots and Nielsen viewers anymore.  That is not how viewers are watching television.  It is time for studios and networks “to get with the program” and step into the modern era.  Appointment television is a thing of the past.  Now it’s all about counting the viewers who time-shift and who watch shows online.  It is time to count all the eyeballs equally and stop prioritizing LIVE viewers – as if a person watching TV at 9 p.m. at night is more likely to buy a product than one who watches at 6:00 p.m. the next day on their DVR or online.  In fact, there is an argument to be made that those who watch online (who are forced to watch the commercials without the luxury of fast-forwarding) are a more captive and engaged audience.
 
The television landscape is changing.  It is not all about watching on an actual television anymore and it is not about watching during pre-set primetime hours anymore.  How viewers watch and consume television has dramatically changed — and networks/studios need to adapt or die.

Tiffany Vogt is a contributing writer to The TV Addict. She has a great love for television and firmly believes that entertainment is a world of wondrous adventures that deserves to be shared and explored – she invites you to join her. Please feel free to contact Tiffany at Tiffany_Vogt_2000@yahoo.com or follow her at on Twitter (@TVWatchtower). Tiffany also writes as a columnist for NiceGirlsTV.

Oh, Hollywood, when will you learn not to tick off Miss Piggy… or her fans?

The minute Richard M. Simms — executive editor of Soaps In Depth magazine and a regular contributor to this site— heard that producers of this year’s Oscar telecast were opting not to have the nominated songs performed, he knew someone had to stick up for Kermit and Co.

“It’s bad enough that out of all the songs featured in all the movies over the past 12 months, only two were actually nominated,” says Simms. “But when one of them is a showstopper like ‘Man Or Muppet’, it’s downright unforgiveable. The producers say they want to put on the most entertaining show possible, and I ask you: What’s more entertaining than Muppets?” After a momentary pause, he answers his own question. “Nothing.”

And so, in an effort to change the mind of producers, the Muppet-enamored exec pled his case via blog and then created a Facebook page titled MONO (Muppets Or No Oscar!) hoping other like-minded individuals might rally to the cause.

“I’m pretty sure if the tables were reversed,” he says, “Kermit would go to bat for us. Seems like the least we can do!”

You can fool most of the people some of the time, and all of the people some of the time… but you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool us here at The TV Addict. (We’re big fans of sleeping in, so anything you pull before, say, 9 a.m.? Chances are, you’ll get away with it.)

Name-Your-Own-Price outlet Priceline.com announced that a new ad will center on the death of their corporate mascot, the Negotiator played since 2007 by William Shatner. In the new ad, the actor best known as Captain Kirk is seen safely seeing passengers off a bus just before it plunges off a bridge and explodes into a ball of fire. 

Rest In Peace, Mr. Negotiator!

Or so they want us to believe.

But anybody who believes that Shatner’s alter ego really perished in that accident has never watched a daytime soap. Fans of that genre know that dying is easy… staying dead? That’s another matter indeed. The bus in question is crossing a bridge over a river… you know, like the body of water into which ALL MY CHILDREN’s Greenlee died after her motorcycle was accidentally run off the road by her best friend. (Hey, these things happen.) Greenlee was even wearing her wedding gown at the time of the accident. And yet a few years later, Greens rose from her watery grave and resumed a perfectly normal (by soap standards) life. (Again, these things happen… surprisingly often in towns like Pine Valley, Genoa City and Llanview.) 

So yeah, we’re not fooled, Priceline.com. We know what you’re up to! And we won’t be a bit surprised when the next trip Mr. Negotiator has to book proves that he bought a round-trip ticket to Heaven. 

Richard M. Simms is the executive editor of Soaps In Depth magazine and the author of the book Crimes Against Civility.

If you happened to be casually flipping channels over the past few nights at 10 p.m., there’s a decent chance you may have come across a scene right out of 24. There sat a man, stripped to his skivvies, being tortured in some rather creative ways. First, he had hot wax poured upon his… er… let’s go with “junk.” Then, he was doused with water and poked repeatedly in the chest with jumper cables attached to a car battery (this being the “electric purple nurple” referenced in the headline). Finally, he was covered with gasoline and set ablaze, all at the hands of a fiery redhead with vengeance on her mind.

Now, it may seem hard to imagine an audience — let alone me, the author of a book on civility — gleefully cheering the audience on, and yet that’s exactly what viewers of the novella LA CASA DE AL LADO were doing as Adolfo (brilliantly played by David Chocarro) met his grisly (for TV) demise.

You see, Adolfo was a very, very bad boy. And unlike American soaps, Spanish telenovelas work on the premise that viewers want to see villains do very bad things… and then be punished for them. This works largely because telenovelas, no matter how popular, come to an end, allowing viewers who’ve been hissing at a villain’s antics for (on average) six months to see him pay for his sins.

American-produced soaps, however, have done the seemingly impossible: They’ve simultaneously forgotten how to tell longterm story (despite the nature of the beast requiring exactly that) and taken to crafting tales in which leading characters commit the most heinous of acts — from murder to babynapping — without ever being made to suffer the consequences. Unlike the glory days of the genre, when shows like THE EDGE OF NIGHT routinely introduced short-term villains who would eventually be murdered or sent to the big house, today’s soaps morph bad guys into heroes so as not to lose an actor to whom the audience has grown attached.

But in this day and age, when the nightly news is filled with stories of evil triumphing over good, perhaps it’s time for television to cater to that most basic of human instincts: to see bad people punished. Is it any wonder that in primetime, a show like REVENGE — in which a woman’s quest to avenge her father’s death at the hands of powerful, corrupt people — is so popular? At its heart — heck, in its very title — REVENGE is playing to the same forces that have fueled the Occupy Wall Street movement. It’s as if the show is echoing the rallying cry made famous by the film Network: “We’re mad as hell, and we’re not going to take it anymore!”

In an odd way, there’s an odd social contract that exists between us and the television in our living room. We promise to turn it on and sit through commercials (or pay not to) and it, in turn, vows to entertain us… to help us escape the slings and arrows that are not only cruel fate but day-to-day life. We can’t (or at least shouldn’t!) throw rocks at the paper boy who consistently tosses our copy in a puddle or assault the politician who cuts his taxes while raising ours. At the very least, we should be able to go home, turn on the television and revel in the glory of someone very deserving being given an electric purple nurple.

It seems only fair.

Richard M. Simms is the executive editor of Soaps In Depth magazine and the author of the book Crimes Against Civility.

This past holiday, your very own TV Addict found ourselves in the somewhat unenviable position of having to rent an old-fashioned physical DVD (No, we were not vacationing in Amish country). Where things get complicates is that with most video stores being a thing of the past and not a Redbox in sight, our only option was to hit up a local [Shudder] Blockbuster Express.

Now, at this point you’re probably asking yourself why we’re taking the time to (a) kick a company when it’s down, and/or (b) discuss the movie industry, when the normal bailiwick of this website just so happens to be — as the masthead suggests — television.

Well, in short, our experience with this Blockbuster Express illustrates an increasingly worrisome trend we’ve started to notice across the ever-changing entertainment landscape. One that has continues to see the honest-to-goodness folks like ourselves get punished for playing by the rules. Which is to say, instead of simply illegally downloading our movie of choice online — which by the way we remain completely against and have spent countless hours chastising friends for — we decided to take the circuitous route of driving 10 minutes to the local Publix that housed the movie rental box, shelled out $2 (Yes, that’s 80 cents more than what Redbox charges for those keeping score at home) and of course dealt with the frustrating and time consuming return process upon discovering that the box was “out of order!” All for what turned out to be… you guessed it… a somewhat lacklustre viewing experience.

Turns out, rather than provide us with a standard copy of Crazy, Stupid, Love (Great movie by the way) — complete with what we’re sure were highly entertaining extras and DVD commentary — the customer got screwed. And while we don’t blame Blockbuster entirely, after-all, for all we know this could have very easily been the decision of Hollywood studios intent on penalizing those who are not-so-willing to spend $30 to $40 dollars for their Ultra-Deluxe-3D-Bluray copy, this trend of punishing the increasingly endangered species that is the paying customer has to stop.

What’s more, in an era where content of any kind is — let’s face it — mere clicks of a mouse away, Hollywood should be rolling out the red carpet and treating those of us still willing to pay like kings (See: Louis CK). The unenviable alternative being, continue treating us like second class citizens and risk alienating your formerly biggest fans. The choice is yours.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled holiday proceedings to wish each and every one of you a safe, healthy and happy holiday season. May all of your [insert your holiday here] wishes come true.* Particularly if they happen to coincide with a few of ours (Which you can see after the jump).

• For life to imitate art in terms of Syfy’s upcoming creature feature JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK.
• For a portion of the thirty million or so viewers who made Jerry Seinfeld’s sitcom the very definition of “Must See TV” to realize that HAPPY ENDINGS is the new SEINFELD.
• For NBC’s upcoming new series SMASH to be just that.
• A second season for TERRA NOVA. And not just because an Australian set visit is incredibly high up on our bucket list. Okay, maybe a little.
• More Twitter followers.
• Should the unthinkable happen and FRINGE not get renewed for a fifth and likely final season, we ask that Fox give the Producers enough warning so that they may craft the proper final arc fans of this fantastic science fiction series so richly deserve.
• Some good news for Soap fans. Seriously. These poor people who have been sticking by their shows for 20, 30, heck 40 years deserve a break. Not THE CHEW.
• For the gang from HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER to finally share with us the identity of that titular mother.
• Last year we said we’d settle for three million more viewers for NBC’s PARENTHOOD (Read: The best show that you’re not watching), this year we’ll settle for two. Cool?
• For the entirety of the American media to make a pact to wholeheartedly ignore whatever cockamamie scheme, feud, or faux run for office Donald Trump has up his sleeve for his annual all-too-obvious effort to boost ratings for his train-wreck of a reality series that is THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE.
• Premiere dates for COUGAR TOWN, AWAKE and COMMUNITY that don’t include the PR speak “sizzling summer series.”
• For Apple’s much buzzed about TV to become a reality.
• For a Rina Mimoun penned odd couple style series featuring EVERWOOD alum Tom Amandes and Treat Williams. And speaking of alumni from our favourite shows of season’s past….
• Paris Geller (aka. Liza Weil) where art thou? Melissa McCarthy can’t be the only star to come out of the eerily prescient named town of Stars Hollow.
• Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men, Yada, yada, yada.

Fun Fact: Our traditional list of TV-related Holiday wishes is the real deal as evidence by the astoundingly high number of wishes from last year that came true, including: Kristen Bell’s return to TV, JACK & BOBBY: THE COMPLETE SERIES released on DVD iTunes, an iPad edition of Entertainment Weekly and a satisfying ending to LIFE UNEXPECTED!

When we first got wind of Louis CK’s plan to disrupt the traditional means of distributing content by offering up a brand new standup special for an affordable through his personal website louisck.net, our first thought was where do we sign-up? Our second thought — after eagerly handing over our $5 to CK via a hassle free payment system and enjoying his unique brand of self-deprecating and hilarious humor was — could this business model work for the rest of Hollywood?
 
It’s a question we’ve actually been pondering for quite some time when we weren’t otherwise occupied scanning our Twitter feed for increasingly painful-to-read tweets from the clearly disheartened creators of COMMUNITY (@danharmon) and COUGAR TOWN (@vdoozer). Both of whom who have been forced to helplessly standby as their respective Broadcast Networks quietly begin to withdraw their support for their critically acclaimed albeit ratings anemic shows under the very watchful eye of new leadership. Could a model that saw Louis CK’s loyal fans numbering 100,000 (and counting) generate upwards of half a million dollars (and counting) for the privilege of receiving a fantastic piece of DRM-free entertainment at a drastically reduced price work to save a struggling show such as a COMMUNITY or COUGAR TOWN?  Well, after much thought and a little bit of number crunching we’ve come to this conclusion that, well, it’s just not that simple.

Forgetting for a moment that CK’s one-hour standup special which requires a limited crew and no writing staff or actors to speak of is an entirely different animal from a single camera comedy that undoubtedly employs hundreds of talented people both in front and behind the camera, consider the following: If your average episode of COMMUNITY or COUGAR TOWN costs around 2 million dollars an episode to produce, one would need to raise 26 million dollars for a 13 episode season (Note: We’re dreaming small here!). Divide that 26 million by $32.50 (Ie: The cost of 13 episodes at $2.50 per piece) and what you’re left with is 800,000 contributors needed to turn this pipe-dream into a reality. And while we don’t pretend to know whether or not that many people would be willing to shell out that kind of money on top of their already over-stretched entertainment dollar (see: cable bills, internet access, Netflix, Video Games and what have you) we sure as heck would love for a talent like Bill Lawrence or Dan Harmon to find out. 

And not just because the talented twosomes’ tweets are increasingly sounding like a desperate cry for help. But rather because, as the likes of Radiohead already illustrated in the music world and CK just did in the comedic one, it’s going to take a talent with an already established and fiercely loyal following to leverage the power of their audience to make something like this work. Of course, herein lies the crux of problem. While it’s easy to casually add up a few hundred thousand fans, multiply some random dollar figure by a number of episodes and scratch your head and wonder why [insert your favorite showrunner] hasn’t given [insert your least favorite network] the proverbial middle finger and gone out on his (or her) own. One mustn’t discount the role the giant media conglomerate has played in the success of the show you love so dear.

A passionate fandom is not built in a vacuum. The likes of NBC, CBS and their respective production partners have sunk millions upon millions of dollars into creating, promoting and nurturing these shows over the course of the past three years. Thus, the question isn’t so much whether you’d pay to keep COUGAR TOWN or COMMUNITY alive, but if you’d be willing to pony up $32.50 for Bill Lawrence or Dan Harmon’s next untitled project that may-or-may-not star Joel McHale or Courteney Cox. Just a little something everyone needs to remember before you go about starting that Kickstarter campaign.