Most Manipulative Match: Conspiring with a priest to destroy Blair’s marriage means it’s official…  GOSSIP GIRL’s Chuck is hellbound!
 
Least Shocking Spoiler: Entertainment Weekly reported that a “major character” would be killed off DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES in March. Not particularly earth-shattering given that the entire show will bite the dust a few months later.
 
Speaking Of Wisteria Lane… : Why the heck, you ask, are we still watching this increasingly lifeless show as it limps toward the grave? Completion issues.
 
Best Gene Pool Ever: Matt Bomer of WHITE COLLAR has been cast to play the brother of GLEE’s Darren Criss.
 
Intriguing Fact We Didn’t Necessarily Need To Know: PROJECT RUNWAY guru Tim Gunn hasn’t had sex in 29 years. Try unknowing that!
 
Most Anticipated Drama: We don’t give two hoots about the upcoming show ANGER MANAGEMENT, but we do hope someone’s smart enough to record the backstage antics of stars Charlie Sheen and Shawnee Smith.
 
Best Relocation: When THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS’ Adam refused to resign from the family company, papa Victor had the troublemaker’s desk moved… to the men’s room!
 
Proof There’s Hope For This Country Yet: THE BIG BANG THEORY actually beat AMERICAN IDOL in overall viewers.
 
Most Ironic Development: In announcing their upcoming summer telenovela, REACH FOR A STAR, Nickelodeon said, “We’ve experienced first-hand the popularity of the daily scripted format.” Of course, kids raised on these new soaps will eventually age into a world that has canceled all of the daily scripted programming aimed at adults ala ONE LIFE TO LIVE!
 
Saddest Joke Ever: Increasingly loony SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE alum Victoria Jackson — who’s still riding the birther train, God bless her empty little head — told the Miami News Times she should run for office because she’s “the only person who has reason, common sense and sanity.” 
 
Most Easily Made Mistake: Admit it. When you read articles that said “MOB WIVES’ Big Ang was once a… ” you assumed the sentence would end with “man” not, as it turned out, “cocaine dealer.” 
 
Why Reality Television Needs To Die: NBC will air a FEAR FACTOR episode involving a challenge in which people must drink donkey semen. Oh, and wash it down with urine.
 
Best First-Date Story Ever: Former NANNY Fran Drescher claimed in an interview that she and her husband “were programmed to meet” after separately being abducted by aliens as teens.
 
The Borg Would Approve: Proving that corporate America is slowly morphing into one big company, an article on TODAY.com about a yanked DOWNTON ABBEY line of jewelry concluded with the disclaimer “Carnival is part of NBC Universal. TODAY.COM is part of msnbc.com, a joint venture of Comcast/NBC Universal and Microsoft.” Face it, kids… resistance is futile.

Best Fan Shout-Out: Soon-to-end ONE LIFE TO LIVE used its soap-within-a-soap, FRATERNITY ROW, to do a story in which a fan (the fantastic Ilene Kristen as Roxy)  tries to save her favorite doomed soap.

Oddest Move: So GLEE has cast REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA “star” NeNe Leakes? Huh. Anybody else think the casting couch over there reeks of desperation? And speaking of desperate measures…

Lamest Hail Mary: With the clock running out, Sunday’s DEXTER finale had the writer’s room doing their best Tim Tebow impersonation by delivering the single biggest twist longtime fans had been clamoring for. Too bad, what should have amounted to a moment of epically cool proportions came off as little more than a sad attempt to save what has universally been deemed as DEXTER’s most disappointing season to date.

Biggest No-Brainer: So scandal-ridden Alec Baldwin won’t be running for Mayor of New York City? Not since Donald Trump announced he wouldn’t be seeking the Republican Presidential Nomination have so many people said “Duh!” simultaneously.

Nothing To Sing About: Despite Simon Cowell’s infamous bragging about how successful the show would be, THE X FACTOR is ending its season not on a high-note ratings wise, but with a whimper.

Proof That Little Pitchers Have Big Ears: A 5-year old on TODDLERS & TIARAS declared that her 3-year-old nemesis (whose mother has made several questionable costume choices of late) dresses like a hooker. We laugh, because if we don’t, we’ll cry.

Most Overused Term: Either the folks behind the “flash mob” designed to save COMMUNITY don’t really understand what one is, or we’re gonna need a better set of guidelines. For future reference, if you promise us a flash mob, there’d better be dancing! Cheesy, choreographed dancing!

Fashion Faux Pas Of The Week: The pigtails worn by Ozzy on SURVIVOR. No. Just… no.

Most In Need Of A Hobby: THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA’s Sheree has tried designing clothes, acting (shudder) and now, singing. So far.

Fact We Hate To Have To Keep Telling You People: No, folks, (insert name of canceled series such as BORED TO DEATH here) is not going to be made into a movie. Ever. Now, in the words of traffic cops everywhere, “Nothing to see here. Let’s keep moving.”
 
The “Ah, That’ll Make All The Difference Award” Goes To… : The highly-anticipated Aaron Sorkin show which this week changed its name from NEWSROOM to… wait for it… wait for it… THE NEWSROOM. Did you get goosebumps? ‘Cause we did!

Article Of The Week: Michael Weinreb’s brilliant piece for grantland.com on the cancellation of HOW TO MAKE IT IN AMERICA. How can we not love something that starts with the line, “I humbly accept that HOW TO MAKE IT IN AMERICA was not a particularly good television show if we’re going by the standards of, say, good television shows.”

Dumbest Petition: Nearly 300,000 people signed a document vowing to boycott Kim Kardashian because she “has made a mockery of American culture.” Instead, they need to sign a document boycotting the viewers of any Kardashian show for giving the talentless family a platform to begin with.

Most Desperately In Need of Lightening Up: GLADD isn’t too thrilled with ABC’s upcoming comedy WORK IT because it features straight men dressing up as women. Two thoughts: Will they be boycotting Halloween as well, when every fratboy worth his salt dons women’s clothing? And secondly, no need to fret. The show probably won’t last as long as one of Kim Kardashian’s marriage.

Biggest Disappointment: Just when we thought we couldn’t get anymore disgusted with this current season of DEXTER the writers decided to show Deb fantasizing about doing WHAT with brother Dexter?

Yet Another Reason not To Watch AMERICA’S GOT TALENT: Two words… Howard Stern.

Person Who Shouldn’t Even Have To Compete: Whether it’s the Golden Globes or the Screen Actor’s Guild, Jessica Lange should just be handed the award for her work on AMERICAN HORROR STORY. Let’s face it, she’s the only reason a lot of us continue watching.
 
Mental Image We Could Have Lived Without: Simon Cowell told Barbara Walters that the reason he and Paula bickered so much during AMERICAN IDOL was “sexual tension… on her part” and that he considered bedding his fellow judge.

Show That Could Use A Rest: Apparently, THE AMAZING RACE will be back on February 19th, having never heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
 
Silliest Overreaction: After seeing the way FEAR FACTOR edited the episode on which she and her son were featured, a former bodybuilder named Monica contacted TMZ to complain that the show made it seem like they had an incestuous relationship… thereby making sure millions who wouldn’t have ever seen the offending clip watched her and son Matias be all touchy-feely with one another.

Silliest Plot Contrivance: Wait, let us get this straight… TERRA NOVA’s team of highly trained military personnel have absolutey no problems adapting to a dangerous dinosaur filled world 85,000 years in the past, yet still managed to be outsmarted by a first-time mole whose means of sneaking off the compound was a giant hole under the fence? Allrightythen!
 
Best Ruling: The FCC — who wasted a whole lotta time over the past few years dealing with the after effects of Nipplegate — passed a law preventing advertisers from raising the volume on commercials.
 
Most Likely To Be Lying: Responding to reports that Barbara Walters told President Obama she’d be retiring next year, ABC insisted that she was “joking.” Of course, these are the same people who insisted that ALL MY CHILDREN and ONE LIFE TO LIVE were safe days before announcing they’d been canceled.
 
Reason No. 4,324 To Love George Takei: STAR TREK’s Sulu took to YouTube to unite fans of his sci-fi franchise and those of STAR WARS against a common foe: lovers of Team Edward and Team Jacob. “There are no great stories, characters or profound life lessons to be found in Twilight,” he said. “The only message that rings through loud and clear is: ‘Does my boyfriend like me?’”
 
Biggest Human Train Wreck: God-loving schitzo Brandon has been the only thing worth watching — if often through pitying eyes — this season on SURVIVOR.
 
Most Predictable Use Of A Catchphrase: After Donald Trump’s laughable notion of hosting a GOP debate collapsed, lazy pundits took the easy route with variations of “Donald Trump said ‘You’re fired!’… to himself.”
 
Grossest Pitch: Original SURVIVOR Richard Hatch — released from prison this week — wants a reality show in which he tracks down the biological children who resulted from his sperm donations. Can we all just agree this man needs to go away… pronto?
 
Coolest Finale That Nobody Seems to be Talking About: The only thing more mysterious than Michael Emerson’s Finch is the decidedly disappointing lack of buzz surrounding last night’s fantastic midseason finale of PERSON OF INTEREST.

This week in Awesome: Not only did PARKS AND RECREATION have Leslie taking a page from FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS’ Coach Eric Taylor (“Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose”) in an effort to inspire the troops, the episode’s final scene that saw her hard-working staff dedicate the next few months of their lives to her election campaign was this close to having us standing up and cheer, “I serve at the pleasure of the President.”

You’re a Mean One, Mr. NBC: Indeed, nothing says cruel and unusual punishment like forcing fans to watch another exemplary episode of COMMUNITY all the while knowing full well that this may be the last time we see it on the air for God knows how long!

Most Controversial Moment: Despite the internet being fiercely divided over this week’s highly contentious episode of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER that removed the possibility of Robin ever having biological children of her very own, there is one thing anyone would be hard-pressed to argue about: Having attracted the show’s highest ratings in two years, the show’s writers must be doing something right.

The Biggest Loser: Judge Nicole Scherzinger, who after crushing the dreams of 14-year old Rachel Crow on Thursday’s edition of THE X FACTOR couldn’t muster even a word or two of an explanation. Weakest link much?

Biggest Head-scratcher: While we’re usually the first to commend those smarter-than-your-average-showrunners over at THE GOOD WIFE for sharp storytelling and believable character development, we feel the need to take them down a peg based on Sunday’s comedy of errors in which daughter Grace was presumed kidnapped having accidentally butt-dialled mother Alicia. To borrow a line from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’s Seth and Amy, “Butt-dialing… 12 times… Really?”

From the Department of Thou Shalt Covet Objects From Thy Favorite TV Set: Is anyone else obsessed with the Victoria’s Grayson’s mesmerizing black and white chair on REVENGE? Or are you — as you should be — too busy counting down the days until the new season’s guiltiest pleasure returns?

Most Unexpected Moment: Question: When is the only acceptable time for a transgendered person to get into a fight with two grown men? Answer: On Tuesday’s hilarious RAISING HOPE, which now that BETTER OFF TED has been put to bed, is quietly solidifying itself into the funniest show you — yes YOU — aren’t watching.

Occupy Ustream: A company with far too much disposable income on their hand has apparently offered Octomom Nadya Suleman six-figures to star in her own weekly internet show to be broadcast on Ustream.

Adding Insult to Industry: Despite announcing that the incredibly unfunny MAN UP! is being yanked from their schedule, ABC has yet to throw COUGAR TOWN a bone. Deciding instead to fill the space with repeats of Tim Allen’s LAST MAN STANDING. Ouch!

And the Award for the Hardest Working Man in Show Business Goest To…: Mark Pellegrino, who following stints this year on CSI:MIAMI, BEING HUMAN, BREAK OUT KINGS, THE CLOSER, SUPERNATURAL, and LOCK & KEY will end the year by infusing a little ruthlessness into CASTLE’s 1940′s film noir episode. Speaking of which…

Funniest Moment: Five days after the fact, we’re still chuckling over Castle’s suggestion to Beckett that the only way they’re going escape being cuffed together was for her hand to be sawed off 127 Hours-style because “it’s smaller.”

Lamest Twist: The only thing shocking about Sunday’s “big reveal” on DEXTER was that nobody on the writing staff had the foresight to realize how ridiculously predictable it was.

Sudsiest Developments: Only a few short months after becoming GENERAL HOSPITAL’s headwriter, Garin Wolf was bumped in favor of Ron Carlivati, whose current soap, ONE LIFE TO LIVE, finished taping two weeks ago and last airs in January. Also joining GH? OLTL’s former executive producer, Frank Valentini, replacing longtime GH EP Jill Farren Phelps.

Biggest Conflict: Despite our general disdain for shameless product placements, the hilarious and heartfelt way in which PARKS AND RECREATION continues to handle Ben and Leslie’s relationship has earned the show a pass on Thursday’s not-so-subtle advertisement for the “Li’l Sebastian Plush.” Well, that and we really really want one.

Quote Of The Week: “”Talking strategy with Brandon is like talking to you about shirts that aren’t blue,” said SURVIVOR’s Cochran to the show’s fashion-challenged host, Jeff Probst. “He just doesn’t comprehend it.”

You Know You’re In Trouble When (Special CW Network Edition)…: Wednesday’s repeat airing of A MUPPETS CHRISTMAS: LETTERS TO SANTA didn’t just outdraw virtually all of your Network’s offerings, it had us wondering if Miss Piggy’s agent would be receptive to a guest arc on GOSSIP GIRL.

Weirdest Partnership: So apparently, K-Mart is ditching its squeaky-clean image by partnering with, of all people, JERSEY SHORE’s JWoww, who launched her new scent this week. Smells like desperation on both their parts to us.

This Week In “Stick a Fork In It” Moments: Even the delightful NEWSRADIO alum that is Maura Tierney couldn’t save THE OFFICE from another disappointing outing. Seriously. Does anyone else remember when this show used to make us laugh?

Why The Geek In Your Life Is Making His O-Face: Spike-TV announced that Zachary Levi of CHUCK — a show that has managed to survive despite being scene by fewer people than are in the Kardashian clan — will host the Video Game Awards.

Lamest PR Strategy: After actress Karine Vanasse tweeted that PAN AM had been canceled, ABC Publicity boldly attempted to convince all seventeen of the show’s viewers that the Network’s decision to only shoot 13 episodes still has the show in contention for a second season. Oh, and if you believe that, there’s a bridge in Brooklyn you might be interested in.

Why Babysitting Isn’t As Profitable As It Once Was: According to the folks at Nielsen, more pre-teens than ever are being plunked down in front of the tube for longer periods of time. Why pay Susie down the block when Nickelodeon is free?

Biggest Mystery: DOCTOR WHO fans were upset to learn that the BBC wouldn’t be showing a Christmas episode of DOCTOR WHO CONFIDENTIAL. But whether or not said episode actually exists depends on whom you speak to…

Reason #423 We’d Hate to Be an NBC Executive Right Now: Chelsea Handler’s guest appearance on Thursday’s WHITNEY did nothing to boost the struggling freshman shows ratings. Well, except wonder just how interested audiences are going to be in her semi-autobiographical NBC series ARE YOU THERE, CHELSEA? which is scheduled to premiere in January.

This Week’s Sign The Apocalypse Is Nigh: Dough Hutchinson and his teenage bride, Courtney Stodden, have been making videos for VH-1, indicating a reality show won’t be far behind.

Unwinnable Battle: As Kris Humphries filed for annulment, Kim Kardashian continued insisting their blink-and-you-missed-it marriage wasn’t a fraud. A sham, however… well, that’s another story. Or at least a different word.

Newsman We’d Most Like To Hang Out With: You just get the sense that NBC’s Brian Williams is a surprisingly cool dude despite that whole “Voice Of God” thing.

The “Is Anyone Seriously Surprised?” Award Goes To… : JERSEY SHORE meathead Vinny, who had to apologize for posting a song in which he rapped about pretending to rape strippers. Because normally, that kind of tastelessness is reserved for castmates Pauly D or The Situation.
 
Least-Missed Show: Comedy Central announced that SOUTH PARK would return on March 14… prompting some to say of the wildly-prolific show, “Wait… you mean it went away?”

Two Thumbs Down: Due to lack of sponsors, Roger Ebert announced that AT THE MOVIES would be going on hiatus.

Most Abused Character: THE WALKING DEAD’s Daryl was thrown from a horse, fell onto an arrow and down a cliff (twice), survived a zombie attack and was shot in the head… by one of his pals. Suddenly, your sucky Monday isn’t looking so bad, huh?

Thanks For the Warning: Mr. Julie Chen — aka CBS prez Les Moonves said that TWO AND A HALF MEN could run for “many, many” years.

The “Enough Is Enough” Award Goes To… : THE RIKKI LAKE SHOW, set to debut this fall. Because what the country needs is yet another chat-fest.

Show Most Deserving Of A Rescue Effort: NBC’s COMMUNITY is the thinking man’s sitcom and the dumb dude’s chance to feel smart.

Silliest Theory: Fox News suggested that GLEE is suffering because of a focus on stories over music. The reality? GLEE is suffering a ratings decline because the stories stink.

Funniest Cold Open: Despite genuinely heartwarming and hilarious episodes of RAISING HOPE, MODERN FAMILY and HAPPY ENDINGS this week, THE OFFICE’s cold-open that showcased the extent to which Pam and Jim would use their “Baby on Board” to their advantage was the only thing that prompted an honest-to-goodness laugh-out-loud moment from us (Think water bottle, duct tape and any excuse to get out of a meeting!)

Most Unnecessary Return: DEXTER already spends enough time talking to his dead dad. Did we really need his dead brother putting in appearances, too?

Best On Screen Meltdown: Little Sydney Braverman made up for her season long disappearing act on this week’s PARENTHOOD a classic meltdown that — if we do say so ourselves — was a little too reminiscent of a certain TV Addict’s childhood.

Most Unexpected Twist: With its penchant for twists we didn’t see coming, Sunday’s HOMELAND didn’t just manage to cement its status as our favorite freshman drama of the season, but the thinking man’s version of 24.

Classiest Exit: After thirty plus years spent brightening up the morning of people from all walks of life, Regis Philbin bid adieu to the genre he practically invented. And while many might have been taken aback by the slightly stoic nature of his farewell, like his entertainment icons Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra, he did it his way.

Most Bizarre Twist: After popping back onto the pop culture radar a few weeks ago by being repeatedly referenced on HAPPY ENDINGS, Brett Butler (of GRACE UNDER FIRE fame) told ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT that she’s now psychic. And, of course, pimping a reality show about her newfound abilities. I predict an epic failure in Ms. Butler’s future.

Best Reason To Keep Up With The News: NPR’s hysterical news quiz WAIT WAIT, DON’T TELL ME will get a special televised airing on BBC-AMERICA on December 23.

Best Merchandising: CBS is selling “Soft Kitty” t-shirts inspired by Sheldon’s favorite lullaby on THE BIG BANG THEORY.

Best Merchandising [Runner-Up]: Somebody is going to need to tell us where we can get a hold of some of that PARKS AND RECREATION retro merchandise, and STAT!

Sign That Twitter May Have Jumped the Shark:  Simon Cowell joined the social media site.

Most Shocking Break-Up: Move over Demi and Ashton. After an impromptu night of passion, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER’s Barney agrees to break up with Nora only to see Robin stay together with Kevin. Talk about the complete and utter opposite of Legen… wait for it… dary!

Let’s Give A Big Texas Welcome To… : James Wolk, star of the killed-before-it’s-time primetime sudser LONE STAR, who’ll be playing boyfriend to HAPPY ENDINGS’ Max.

Most Welcome Media Blitz: The cover of Entertainment Weekly. MONDAY NIGHT RAW. Viral vids spoofing PRETTY LITTLE LIARS. Suddenly, Miss Piggy, Kermit and the rest of the Muppets are everywhere… and we couldn’t be happier.

Funniest Show You’re Not Watching: Just how fantastic was Tuesday’s RAISING HOPE? Put it this way, it managed to make an otherwise disgusting subplot revolving digging through human faeces both funny and romantic.
  
Least Welcome Trend: Is it just us, or did November 10th seem a touch early to air the mid-season finales of GREY’S ANATOMY, THE VAMPIRE DIARIES and THE SECRET CIRCLE.

Smartest Move: After being slammed for stumbling during the latest GOP debate, Texas Governor Rick Perry was downright charming — if not particularly presidential — as he presented his Top 10 Excuses on THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN.
 
Dumbest Move: Following an ill-timed tweet, Ashton Kutcher — who helped put Twitter on the map — first announced he was leaving the social media site and then, worse, that he’d be turning over its “management” to others. Just what the world needs: More sanitized, second-hand, unoriginal material coming from an actor.

This Week in Making the Most out of a Bad Situation: Despite our initial disappointment over ABC’s preemption of the entirety of their fantastic Wednesday night line-up to make room for the 2011 CMA AWARDS, it did give us the opportunity to catch up on Showtime’s HOMELAND, also known as the best show — next to PARENTHOOD that is — that you’re probably not watching.

Worst Impersonation Of A Beloved Host: Sorry, Molly Sims of PROJECT ACCESSORY, but you ain’t no Heidi Klum. Thank god for Eva Jeanbart-Lorenzotti, whose take on Tim Gunn’s role is prickly perfection. 
 
Biggest “Screw You” To A Fanbase: The folks at Prospect Park announced that their plans to produce new episodes of canned soap ALL MY CHILDREN were now on hold (translation: It’ll never happen). For millions of fans, that means the ABC cliffhanger — in which a drunk JR shot into a crowd that included Susan Lucci’s Erica — will now go down as the worst finale in history.
 
Celeb Whose Scandals Simply Don’t Phase Us Any Longer: Mel Gibson supposedly fathered some D-lister’s baby? Who cares. At this point, you could tell us Gibson keeps tranny hookers locked in his basement and we wouldn’t be surprised.
 
Oddest Resignation: Hold up. So Eddie Murphy stepped down as Oscar host to show his solidarity to a guy who was let go for tossing around homophobic slurs? Great career move, dude. Good thing there aren’t any gay folks working behind the scenes in Hollywood. 
 
Show Most In Need Of A New Time Slot: CBS needs to get THE GOOD WIFE off of Sunday night, where it is constantly delayed due to football overruns.
 
Finally, A Show Even We Won’t Watch: While we never got the country’s obsession with mean mom Kate Gosselin, the folks at CouponCabin.com must be shrooming if they think we’re going to hit their website to watch clips of her blogging about coupons. We have enough reasons to be depressed, thank you very much.
 
Read-The-Book-Before-The-Movie-Hits Alert: Showtime is turning Stephen King’s odd (and, as usual, overly long) but gripping book UNDER THE DOME into a series.
 
Worst Export: Britain, we apologize in advance for PEREZ HILTON SUPER FAN, the show featuring the celebrity blogger interviewing folks that you have, for some reason, picked up. You give us awesome shows like MISFITS, and this is how we return the favor?
 
Best Casting: Kudos to whoever looked at John Schneider of DUKES OF HAZZARD fame and said, “He’s perfect to play the father of GLEE’s blonde himbo, Chord Overstreet!” 
 
Best Casting [Runner Up]: Say what you will about Tuesday’s massiverly overhyped episode of GLEE, but new Gay on the block Grant Gustin sure as heck knows how to make a first impression.

Network Most In Need Of A Facelift: It’s time for the folks at Oprah’s OWN to face the fact that my grandma’s youtube vids get more views than their programming. With THE ROSIE SHOW now averaging 185,000 viewers, the best they can hope for is a publicity-generating return to the cray cray that was Rosie versus Donald Trump.
 
Best Career Advice We Can Offer: Hey, Vanessa Williams, you know that talent deal you signed with ABC? Get out of it. Honey, this is the network that put you on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES and then gave you less story than that old woman who babysits Lynette’s kids.

Most A-mah-zing News: HAPPY ENDINGS got a full-season pick-up.
 
Worst Liar: Kris Jenner tried convincing people that the Kardashian clan didn’t profit from Kim’s ill-fated wedding to Kris Jenner. Riiiiiggghhht. And those crazy kids were in it for love, not publicity.
 
Oddest News: So when ABC announced A VERY GAGA THANKSGIVING, did anyone else flashback to the infamously bad STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL?
 
Best Explanation Of A Lose/Win Scenario: Although Brian Williams’ new show ROCK CENTER had fewer viewers than THE PLAYBOY CLUB — the canceled show which it replaced — it’s still a positive for NBC given how much cheaper the news hour is to produce.

Biggest Mystery: How Katie Holmes continues to get hired after proving time-and-again that the artist formerly known as Joey Potter simply cannot act her way out of a paper bag, or in the case of this week’s HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, a slutty pumpkin.
 
Most Valuable Guest Star: Leslie Mann’s hilarious guest appearance as a woman Cam attempted to pick up in a bar on Wednesday’s MODERN FAMILY has Outstanding Guest Star in a Comedy Emmy written all over it. Katie Holmes, take note.

Most Valuable Guest Star [Runner-Up] What’s the only thing crazier than Sunday’s GOOD WIFE revelation that Eli Gold’s ex-wife Vanessa slept with a second cousin of Osama bin Laden? How about the fact that her portrayer — the always hilarious Parker Posey — has yet to score a series regular gig on a hit television show? Seriously, current and aspiring TV Showrunners, what are you people waiting for, get writing!

Fight Married Folks Will Start 2012 With: Now that ABC is set to debut THE BACHELOR’s new season opposite the Rose Bowl on ESPN, couples can brace themselves to duke it out over the remote control on January 2.
 
Funniest Road Trip: With apologies to what was surely an epic road trip by PARKS AND RECREATION’s April and Andy, nobody does remote broadcasts better than a New York bound Conan O’Brien.

Worst Trend: Okay, can we stop tacking the word “wars” on every show? Spike has announced they’ll be doing a show called LUGGAGE WARS, sort of a kissing cousin to STORAGE WARS. 

Most Timely Series: Leave it to the brilliant minds behind SOUTH PARK to beat everyone else to the bunch with an Occupy Wall Street-themed episode 

Guilty Pleasure We Don’t Feel A Bit Guilty About: REVENGE has morphed into the best primetime soap since DALLAS, even if we still want to slap that silly accent right out of Declan’s mouth.
 
Hypocrisy Alert: Having given ONCE UPON A TIME low marks because it was “too complicated” before it proved to be a hit, we’re counting down the minutes until Entertainment Weekly’s inevitable cover story declaring it the coolest thing since LOST. And speaking of mea culpa’s…

Show That We’re Embarrassed to Admit is Kinda Sorta Maybe Growing On Us: Okay, we admit it! Despite the fact that the following statement is sure to lose us fred in the ‘critic’ department, WHITNEY — both the show and the actress — are kinda, sorta, maybe growing on us!
 
Thing We Need To Get Over: People, it’s a nipple. Whether it is attached to Katie Holmes, Nancy Grace or the grandmother of Nipplegate scandals, Janet Jackson, it’s a nipple. Deal.
 
Silliest Assumption: Folks are dubbing the upcoming SyFy flick LAKE PLACID: THE FINAL CHAPTER the last of the series. Hello, have y’all never heard of Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter… which was followed by seven sequels and a remake.

Worst Casting Decision: LAW & ORDER: SVU will add Gilbert Gottfried in a recurring role. Because an annoying character is what the long-running franchise needs as it struggles against newbie REVENGE. And speaking of REVENGE.

Best Halloween Treat: Move over Thursday night, forget Monday, thanks to the heartfelt hilarity that is THE MIDDLE, SUBURGATORY, MODERN FAMILY and HAPPY ENDINGS, Wednesdays on ABC — capped off with the increasingly addictive Emily VanCamp sudser that is REVENGE — has officially become our favorite night of television bar none.

Oddest Announcement: Butter-loving chef Paula Dean told Jay Leno she’ll be launching a clothing line. Wonder if it’ll be sold at K-Mart or in the deep-fried section of the local Piggly Wiggly?
  
Most Diluted Franchise: Much as we love THE SIMPSONS, the annual Treehouse of Horror is really stretching the definition of “horror” by spoofing Avatar.
 
Biggest Diva: Could someone please tell Maksim Chmerkov that he’s not one of the stars in the title of DANCING WITH THE STARS?
 
Best Halloween Treat (Runner Up): AMC renewed THE WALKING DEAD for a third season.
 
Network That Has Just Stopped Trying: Really, A&E? MONSTER IN-LAWS? You make us sad.
 
Most Depressing News: While JERSEY SHORE will continue to live forever, MTV pulled the plug on THE BURIED LIFE, a show in which four friends tried to help strangers fulfill their dreams. Maybe it would have stood a chance had they helped more people fulfill their dreams of becoming overly-exposed drunks with propensities toward violence?
 
Fad We’re Pretty Much Over: Following in the footsteps of MSNBC, Fox, CNN and practically every network but Comedy Central, CBS will prove just how desperate it is for Saturday-night ratings by airing the latest GOP debate in primetime on November 12.
 
The “Pays to Have Friends in High Places!” Award Goes To… : Greg Grunberg and J.J. Abrams, who — having already worked together on ALIAS and FELICITY — will yet again team up on an as-yet-unnamed project.
 
Biggest Head Scratcher: The only thing more confounding than the mystery surrounding Marine Sergeant Nicholas Brody’s true allegiances after returning home following eight years gone missing in Iraq is how on earth it took us so long to jump on the HOMELAND bandwagon. Seriously. Showtime FTW!

Dumbest Move: Rather than send Cochran — clearly the weakest link on either tribe — to meet his maker on Redemption Island, SURVIVOR’s Ozzy opted to face competition-crusher Christine.
 
Worst Role Model: In asking for a torrent link to TOP CHEF, Lady Gaga outted herself as a viewer of illegally-obtained shows. Here’s hoping this becomes an issue during any future court case involving her music being pirated.
 
Biggest Disappointment: FX Network will continue to enable Charlie Sheen’s insanely unstable lifestyle by announcing a deal to become the home of his new series based on the popular Jack Nicholson/Adam Sandler movie ANGER MANAGEMENT. American horror story indeed.

Most Annoying News: Much-buzzed-about NBC series AWAKE — about a man living in two alternate realities — shut down production to, says showrunner Howard Gordon, figure out how to turn the intriguing concept into a regular series. This, after having filmed six episodes. Dudes, shouldn’t that be — and call us crazy here — the very first thing figured out before a single frame is shot?

Reason To Thank Every Celeb You Hate: The CW pulled the plug on moronic reality outing H8R and will put in its place reruns of RINGER… which is awesome news for anyone whose taping schedule didn’t allow them to catch that show in its first-run slot! 
 
Most Misleading Title: If there is one single thing in CBS’ AMANDA KNOX: THE UNTOLD STORY that hasn’t been reported elsewhere in the endless coverage of the story, I’ll eat spinach AND brocolli. Yes, I’m that confident.
 
Best Celeb Blog: THE OFFICE’s Mindy Kaling (creator of Things I’ve Bought That I Love) is now writing on theconcernsofmindykaling… largely about things she’s bought and loves. (Don’t miss her lovely tribute to Steve Jobs!)
 
Coolest Idea: Sure, you still have to sit through commercials, but Hulu.com’s “Ad-Swap” button at least gives you an option as to which commercials to watch!
  
Lamest Programming Slate: The folks at Yahoo announced a series of on-line shows, all of which were unscripted reality offerings with not a single original idea among them.
 
Best Read Of The Week: EW’s PopWatch featured a hysterical piece by Joshua Malina on the 7 reasons SPORTS NIGHT will never be made into a movie. Reason No. 4? “Felicity Huffman lives on an enormous pile of $50 bills somewhere in the Himalayas. Access to her is limited.”
 
Least Newsy Story Of The Week: “We now interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for the breaking news that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is not running for president… just as he has said repeatedly from the beginning. The difference? This time he really, really means it.” 
 
Proof Your Mom Is Underpaid: At least two stars of THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK will reportedly earn — and we use that word loosely — $500,000 next season. And we bet they won’t clean a single room or cook a single meal.
 
Funniest Dust-up: ESPN and Hank Williams Jr. (crooner of the theme song for Monday Night Football) recreated the classic “You can’t fire me… because I quit!” scene for realsies in the wake of his comparing President Obama to Hitler.
 
Proof of the Apocalypse: The Kardashian family continued their unofficial world domination by hosting the already-pointless fourth hour of TODAY.
 
Duh!: Netflix revealed that 50-60 percent of its streaming audience is watching television shows. We suspect a good 85-90 percent of those people are watching DOCTOR WHO or MAD MEN.
 
They Renewed What? Cinemax is moving forward with a second season of STRIKE BACK despite the fact that our informal survey couldn’t find a single person who’d ever even heard of it.
 
Oddest Sighting: GOSSIP GIRL’s Penn Badgley joined the Occupy Wall Street protesters… despite nobody being able to actually explain specifically what they hope to accomplish.
 
Favorite New Way of Measuring Time: We forgot all about dog years the moment DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES’ Gabby told her hubby, “It’s been 38 days since we last had sex… that’s like 3 years in hoo-ha time.”
 
Return You Can Dance To: Thank you, VH-1, for bringing back POP-UP VIDEOS!
 
Most Unbelievable Doubletalk: Simon Cowell tried convincing folks that when he’d said THE X FACTOR would be a failure if it got less than 20 million viewers (it’s averaging 12), he didn’t mean from the start… he meant by the end. Something tells us even Paula Abdul didn’t buy that one.
 
Strangest Accent: We can only guess that REVENGE’s Connor Paolo has donned the ridiculous speech patterns of a SOPRANOS character in an effort to separate new character Declan from GOSSIP guy Eric.
 
Favorite New Way of Measuring Time: We forgot all about dog years the moment DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES’ Gabby told her hubby, “It’s been 38 days since we last had sex… that’s like 3 years in hoo-ha time.”