TWILIGHT: THE SERIES
Bella and Edward and Jacob… oh my. How can network suits resist the allure of eternally young teenagers… especially now that the ONE TREE HILL gang has been forcibly ejected from high school and into the “real” world.
AFTERLIFE
This GREY’S ANATOMY spin-off features the wacky adventures of Denny as he tries to help lost souls with the help of several hot, heavenly interns. Think of it as TOUCHED BY A HUNKY ANGEL.
AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MUPPET
Fuzz and furry creatures from around the globe compete for a guest-gig on SESAME STREET. Your host? Trash-talkin’ Oscar the Grouch.
SURVIVOR: MANHATTAN
You want a real challenge? Try emerging from the American Girl store on 5th Avenue with everything on a little girl’s wish list… two days before Christmas!
THE TUTORS
A sexy new series featuring former Playboy Bunnies who become high school teachers and bring history to life by dressing up as famous women in history. But not the ugly chicks like Janet Reno, just hot ones like those Boleyn babes.
DESPERATE TEENAGERS
Marc Cherry’s DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES prequel in which we meet the women of Wisteria Lane back when they were teens. Susan’s still a klutz, Edie’s the class ho, Bree a home-ec whiz and Lynette’s that judgemental bitch who always volunteers to be hall monitor.
HAPPY ENDINGS
Fox finally gives the people what they want with this weekly series in which loose ends left hanging thanks to the premature cancellation of shows such as DRIVE and REUNION are neatly tied up via two-hour movies.
CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH: THE REAL DEAL
No cute claymation beheadings here, this is the real deal as feuding stars take their grudges into a modern-day Thunderdome. First up? MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann vs. FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly!
EVERYBODY LOVES JOE
Finally, the RAYMOND spin-off CBS has been dying for! In this sitcom, Joe The Plumber takes one last stab at stretching out his 15-minutes of fame by doing anything and everything that will keep his face in front of a camera. In the pilot, Joe tries to recapture the attention of the nation he feels is losing interest in him by faking his own kidnapping. John McCain guests as Joe’s grouchy old neighbor.
PORN
Desperate to regain viewers, NBC goes for broke by airing full-on triple-X features once a week. They’re fined out the wazoo by the FCC, but still manage to make a fortune thanks to weekly ratings not seen since the heyday of DALLAS. 
