Least Shocking Death: What if a show killed a major character and nobody noticed… because nobody was watching? That’s the question we were left asking after LAW & ORDER: LA killed off Skeet Ulrich’s detective Rex Winters in the first of two episodes — each of which also featured kids being murdered — as part of a revamp that was about as successful as New Coke.
Most Welcome Return: Despite the fact that Cameron’s direction of Luke and Manny’s middle-school musical was thisclose to giving Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark a run for its money, there was nothing we didn’t love about Wednesday’s MODERN FAMILY. Well, except for the fact that they went with the fake “555” phone number for Phil’s poorly planned-out advertising campaign rather than take the SCRUBS approach that gave fans the actual opportunity to 916-CALL-TURK!
Worst. News. Ever, Primetime Division: Jill Wagner, the gal we’d most like to have laugh at our humiliation, will be leaving WIPEOUT.
Worst. News. Ever, Daytime Division: ABC dealt soap fans a double-blow by announcing that by the end of the year, both ALL MY CHILDREN and ONE LIFE TO LIVE would be replaced by reality shows.
Classiest Tribute: When Castle got together with Dennis Lehane and Michael Connelly for their traditional mystery writers’ poker game during Monday’s episode, a seat at the table was left empty in a incredibly classy nod to the dearly departed TV writer and author Stephen J. Cannell who succumbed to complications associated with melanoma on September 10, 2010.
The Every-Time-You-Think-He-Can’t-Be-A-Worse-Role-Model-He-Proves-You-Wrong Award Goes To: Charlie Sheen, who brought his Toronto show to a halt in order to step outside and quell his nicotine cravings by smoking a cigarette.
And the Most Embarrassing Moment in the History of Television Goes To…: Suffice to say, the only one more mortified than PARENTHOOD’s Adam and Kristina upon the realization that daughter Haddie had accidentally rang them up during coitus… was us. Who was so embarrassed that we actually had to fast-forward through the whole scene horror-movie styles.
Silliest Product Placement: Bonnie, you just survived a showdown with Klaus the most powerful “Original” known to man and what are you going to do next? Update you Facebook page courtesy of Jeremy’s Verizon AT&T MiFi! And speaking of cell phone companies…
News We Took Surprisingly Hard: Verizon is taking their ads in a new direction, meaning those annoying “Can You Hear Me Now?” commercials will be a thing of the past. Talk about not knowing what we had until it was (almost) gone. We miss you already, Phone Testing Guy!
Most Ridiculous Endorsement: Hugh Hefner tweeted that what he’d seen of the pilot for THE PLAYBOY CLUB “rocks.” Yeah, cause a guy who stands to make a mint off of it is going to say otherwise.
The “We Beg To Differ!” Award Goes To… : People magazine, which named Jennifer Lopez the World’s Most Beautiful Woman. Bet she wouldn’t have gotten that award if she weren’t on AMERICAN IDOL. Not that J-Lo’s not hot, clearly she is. But World’s Hottest? Obviously, that title belongs to Sofia Vergara of MODERN FAMILY!
The Picking-A-Fight-You-Don’t-Wanna-Pick Award Goes To… : Egomaniacal birther Donald Trump, who had the nerve to slam beloved comedian Bill Cosby for saying what the entire country’s been thinking: Run or shut up. (And frankly, we’re rooting for “shut up.”)
Biggest Head Scratcher: After eight episodes of pure unadulterated crazy, Philip showed a glimmer of normalcy during Wednesday’s episode of SURVIVOR. Raising the question: Are we crazy, or is there a tiny smidgen of a chance that Philip is actually in the process of the greatest con reality TV has ever seen? 
