And the #1 Reason America Doesn’t Stand a Chance: An astounding 28.7 million of them tuned into the highly unfunny season premiere of TWO AND A HALF MEN.
Reason to Have Hope for the Future of America: Despite months of insisting his new show wasn’t simply a rip-off of his previous gig, Simon Cowell’s much-heralded X FACTOR was a bomb… at least when compared to the ratings garnered by AMERICAN IDOL.
Ratings Shocker: Despite being available on iTunes and Hulu before making its television debut, Fox’s NEW GIRL drew a bigger audience than lead-in GLEE, stunning naysayers and thrilling lovers of Zooey Deschanel everywhere.
Train Wreck You Couldn’t Pay Us To Watch: The suddenly-everywhere Courtney Stodden and her 51-year-old hubby Doug Hutchinson are reportedly shopping a reality show which the 17-year-old’s mom/manager says will “show people what they can teach each other from different generations.” Yes, because these three freaks are where people should be turning for guidance.
Train Wreck We Can’t Deny Looking Forward To Watching: In perhaps the most bizarre bit of reality-TV news this week, it was revealed by The Colorado Springs Gazette that himbo-hiring, drug-taking fallen pastor Ted Haggard would be taking part on the upcoming series CELEBRITY WIFE SWAP. As if that weren’t enough, they reported he’d be — as the title implies — swapping wives with Gary Busey! Please, oh please, let this be a 2-hour episode!
Most Pointless Deal: Netflix, Hulu and DirecTV have arranged to have their programming available via Facebook. Hey, Facebook? How about you just, I don’t know, stop mucking up our feeds? And stop that creepy lady from poking us while you’re at it.
Show That Has Had More Press Coverage Than It Has Viewers: If THE WALKING DEAD got five folks tuning in for every single article written about it, those zombies would rule the TV world.
Best Cameo: Forget RINGER. Sarah Michelle Gellar’s performance of the week was on ALL MY CHILDREN. With her former role as Kendall now played by Alicia Minshew, Gellar played a psych patient who believed herself to be Kendall… and also thought she was being pursued by vampires. Told by concerned doctor Maria (played by CSI: MIAMI’s Eva Larue, who also returned to the soap she’d once called home for its final week) that vampires were very popular, Gellar’s alter ego responded, “I saw them before they were trendy.”
Family Dinner We’d Love To Have Sat In On: Wonder what it was like when Katherine Kelly Lang — who has played Brooke on THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL since it first hit the airwaves — found out her 21-year-old son had also entered showbiz… by doing gay porn?
This Week in Rejected PAN AM Advertising Slogans: “Get High with CHRISTINA RICCI.”
This Week in Things Don’t Add Up: Despite our unabashed love for Christina Applegate, Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph as individual comedic entities, NBC’s UP ALL NIGHT, while somewhat entertaining, isn’t nearly as laugh-out-loud funny as one might have hoped.
This Week in Things That Do Add Up: In what can only be seen as a victory for hard-working Hollywood scribes everywhere, Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan’s decision to actually surround themselves with a roomful of talented writers during the new season of GLEE didn’t just pay off in spades as evidence by the surprisingly watchable third season premiere (Believable character development FTW!), it got us genuinely interested in the new direction this season is going.
The Last to Know: The folks at TNT revealed they’d be spending a lot less money buying the rights to big, blockbuster movies, finally realizing that nobody wants to sit through edited, commercial-filled versions of movies they already illegally downloaded a year earlier.
Proof Not All Bravo’s Housewives Are Broke: Despite constant reports that various stars of the HOUSEWIVES franchise are financially struggling, Lisa Vanderpump (of the Beverly Hills RHW) just bought a $10 million mansion.
Most Pointless Bitching: PERSONS OF INTEREST star Taraji P. Henson slammed TVGuide magazine for leaving her off of their cover. Honey, nobody reads that mag any more! Drop us a line, we’ll do a lovely piece on you. Just you, none of those other annoying people. Promise. 
