Person Whose Drugs We Must Wanna Borrow: COUGAR TOWN creator Bill Lawrence thinks his show has a chance of coming back next season… despite its shabby treatment by ABC and the fact it just got its worst ratings ever. He’s probably swimming in the river of denial, but hey, we’ll gladly breast stroke with him if it keeps hope alive. Someone hold our wine glass while we dive in.
Wussiest Move: The men of SURVIVOR opted to take a default win rather than beat the women fair and square
Silliest Whine: Charlie Sheen is apparently “tired of pretending Ashton doesn’t suck.” The former TWO AND A HALF MEN star told TMZ that his replacement is saddled with bad writing. Because, you know, the writing was so stellar when Sheen was on board.
Funnest Casting News: DESIGNING WOMEN alum Jean Smart will play Portia de Rossi’s mom in ABC’s new show, THE SMART ONE.
Tiniest Furor: Rosie O’Donnell ticked off the stars of LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG WORLD by admitting she has “fear and anxiety around little people.” Amy Roloff said Rosie’s comments did provide an opportunity to educate the public… not to mention pimp their show.
Best Reversal: After making some folks barking mad about its decision to refuse to allow the winner of the Westminster Dog Show to — as tradition dictates — eat at Sardi’s, New York City’s health department agreed to give a one-day waiver to the “no pets allowed” rule.
Saddest Flashback: Turns out Neil Hope, who played Wheels on DEGRASSI, died almost five years ago… although family members who’d spent years trying to track him down only found out last month.
Best Trend: Creepy-cool parallel lives drama AWAKE became the latest pilot to get an on-line debut weeks before it actually hits the airwaves.
Buzzword We’re Already Sick Of: Linsanity. ’nuff said.
Most Magical Transformation: Anyone reading the description of ABC’s pilot 666 PARK AVENUE will have a hard time reconciling the plot with the Gabriella Pierce book on which it’s based. (And having read the boring, predictable novel, that’s a good thing.)
Least Surprising Break-Up: Sophia Bush is no longer dating ONE TREE HILL co-star Austin Nichols. Having dated four members of the sudsers cast, one can’t help but wonder which star of PARTNERS — the CBS pilot she’s signed onto — will be next. (We’re betting it won’t be Michael Urie!)
Saddest News: Come on, admit it. You were disappointed to hear that Michele “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann and fake presidential candidate Herman Cain won’t be joining DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Proof The Queen Is Dead: The days when Oprah could do no wrong are clearly over, as evidenced by Nielsen admonishing Ms. Winfrey for begging Nielsen families to watch her network. 
