Why You’re Getting More Sleep: This week, the wonderfully-named CALM (Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act… which would technically be CALMA) went into effect. Meaning the commercials are now legally required to be no louder than the programming you’re napping through.
Line Of The Week: “A whale shark head-butted Michael Skupin,” said SURVIVOR’s Malcolm. “Funniest thing I’ve seen in my life. And my mind’s become so calculating after a month and a half of this game, I’m thinking, ‘Oh, great! One less competitor!’”
Silliest Gossip: Proving that sometimes, reality TV really is just like real life, THE BACHELORETTE’s Ali and Roberto hooked up at the wedding of fellow contestants J.P. and Ashley.
Why CBS Execs Are Freaking Out: CSI got the lowest numbers in its history, meaning they’re going to have to start figuring out how to spin-off some of their other shows. This could be just the break TWO BROKE GIRLS’ Oleg has been waiting for!
The “Of Course They Do” Award Goes To… : The History Channel announced that, following the success of the HATFIELDS & MCCOYS miniseries, they’ll be doing a reality show following the real-life descendants of the clans. Why should The Learning Channel be the only network that doesn’t understand what its name means?
Speaking Of Which… : The above-mentioned Learning Channel continued to struggle with the concept of “learning” by announcing yet another tacky reality offering, BEST FUNERAL EVER, in which… oh, come on. Even the brain trust at TLC could connect those dots.
Worlds Colliding Alert: HOUSE OF LIES will have Adam Brody and Kristen Bell involved in a romance. But come on… would Veronica Mars really go out with Seth Cohen? We think not!
Best Reveal: Jon Stewart declared that Hugh Grant was his least-favorite DAILY SHOW guest. Come on… worse than Condi Rice? Wow!
Least Auspicious Beginning: So apparently, Oprah’s struggling network is going to hang its fate on Tyler Perry. His first two offerings? A sudsy drama called THE HAVES AND THE HAVE NOTS and a diner-set comedy, LOVE THY NEIGHBOR. Here’s hoping the shows are better than their titles.
Oddest Offering: Apparently attempting to shove as many gimmicks into one show as possible, LOGO announced they’d be airing THAT SEX SHOW on which a porn star, a therapist and a psychic offer advice on how to make sweet, sweet love.
The “At Last” Award Goes To… : The folks at the sex-and-violence obsessed Parents TV Council, a member of which must finally have figured out how to operate the remote and stumbled across THE WALKING DEAD. If you need the PTC telling you that kids shouldn’t be watching a show about flesh-eating zombies that doesn’t involve a crime-solving pooch, you probably shouldn’t have a kid to begin with.
Weirdest Time Warp: Quick, how long has JERSEY SHORE been warping our brains? Five years? Ten? Believe it or not, Snooki and her over-sexed, under-educated pals debuted three years ago this week. Time flies when you’re having blackouts!
Further Proof Audiences Get What They Deserve: The ridiculous-to-the-point-of-satire AMISH MAFIA drew 3.4 million eyeballs, making it the Discovery Channel’s best-ever launch. Sigh.
Most Highly-Anticipated Return: Gillian Anderson will be appearing in NBC’s HANNIBAL. Her character name? Dr. Bedelia Du Maurier. Doesn’t quite roll trippingly off the tongue, does it? Eh, we’ll just go with “Dr. Scully!”
Why Chewbacca’s A Very Happy Wookie: News that HONEY BOO BOO and her clan would be getting a series of holiday specials left everyone’s favorite intergalactic fur-ball hoping that at long last, 1978’s STAR WARS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL might be have competition in the “Worst Christmas Special Of All Time” category.
Least Shocking Scandal: The STORAGE WARS producers planted stuff in the lockers to be “discovered” later. What next? Word that THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS don’t actually vacuum?
Best, Er, DEVELOPMENT: It looks like ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, originally slated for a 10-episode return, will now have somewhere between 12 and 15 episodes. Break out the cornballer, we’re havin’ a party!
Term Most Over-Used By TV Writers: Okay, listen, we’re as guilty as anyone. But can we all agree that just because two actors who appeared on a hit show 50 years ago have bit parts on the same second-rate modern sitcom, it’s not a “reunion”? Let’s call it what it is: slummin’ for a buck! 
