Nastiest Dust-Up: Three REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY cast members are facing charges following a melee that took place during the opening of a shop owned by a fourth. Proving sometimes, everybody’s in the wrong, the fight allegedly began after a party guest mocked the autism-afflicted son of housewife Jacqueline Laurita and her spouse, Christopher. How about we just throw ‘em all behind bars, throw away the key and call it a day?
Best Read: The contract AMERICA’S GOT TALENT contestants must sign gives NBC permission to, among other things, “expose me to public ridicule, humiliation or condemnation” and place hidden cameras in bathrooms “or any other area in which a person… might have a reasonable expectation of privacy.” Oh, and that $1 million prize? Paid out over 40 years.
Proof That Mama Knows Best: A&E renewed incesty creepfest BATES MOTEL for a second season.
Most Fun Party: GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Nurses Ball featured big musical numbers, shocking plot twists and an ugly-duck-to-beautiful-princess transformation worthy of any fairytale.
Celebrity Death Rumor Of The Week: In the wake of Margaret Thatcher’s passing, the Twitter hashtag #nowthatchersdead left some wrongly thinking that it was Cher who had died. (Go back, read it slowly… we’ll wait.) See, kids, that’s why things like apostrophe’s are so important!
And The Most Overexposed Celebrity Award Goes To… We Have A Tie!: Dual winners in this category Ryan Seacrest and the Kardashians will come together in what’s being billed by E! as a “tell-all special.” But really, is there anything left for the siblings — whose show has already featured a “whose vajajay smells worse” competition — to say? And why is anyone still listening?
Most Suspicious Grouping: Funny that after years of taking heat for suffering WMSS — White Male Singer Syndrome — AMERICAN IDOL’s top five is comprised entirely of females.
Tackiest Move: ABC shifted the debut of THE BACHELORETTE to Memorial Day. Because of course, nothing honors fallen vets like men fighting for the right to make out in a hot tub with a women.
Best Return: From DALLAS to SUBURGATORY, cliffhangers are back, baby!
Oddest Gimmick: We’d never do it ourselves, but we get the appeal of the whole “Can I survive 60 days alone on an island?” thing that Ed Stafford will do for the Discovery. What we don’t get is why — aside from it being a catchy gimmick and decent title — he has to be the NAKED CASTAWAY. I mean, a loincloth never hurt Tarzan, and even SURVIVOR’s Captain Cray Cray (aka Phillip) has his pink panties!
Most Brilliant Ad Strategy: In an attempt to keep viewers from fast-forwarding through ads during AMERICAN IDOL, commercials will be broadcast with a box in the corner of the screen showing what’s going on behind the scenes.
Worst Programming Decision: After declaring it was “inappropriate” to do another season of BUCKWILD, MTV said they would air a marathon of the popular show’s first season in “tribute” to its deceased star, Shain Gandee. Hey, guys, just because his parents gave their blessing doesn’t make it any less distasteful or, in your own words, inappropriate.
Why Your Girlfriend Is Sad: Any dreams she had of convincing design guru Nate Berkus to switch teams went up in smoke this week when he and boyfriend Jeremiah Brent announced their engagement.
Strangest Concept: SyFy announced it will launch a reality series called MEAT LOAF ROCKS THE PARANORMAL in which the musician and his family visit America’s most famous haunted locations. One has to assume at this point that it’s impossible to book a room in one of America’s haunted hotels because the rooms are constantly full thanks to SyFy’s endless slate of series devoted to them.
Second Strangest Concept: Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes want to do a sitcom based on their lives. Wonder if his ex, Brandi REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS Glanville will swing by for the inevitable episode in which Eddie has a hilarious affair with LeAnn that winds up destroying his marriage? Oh, the wacky chaos!
Best Potato, Po-tat-o Argument: Either TEEN MOM Farrah Abraham was accidentally caught. 
