Least Surprising Pick-Up: So apparently, we’re gonna pretend that HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER wasn’t basically assured a full-season from the get-go. Okay, then.
Another Reason To Love Shonda Rhimes: While chatting with The Hollywood Reporter, the queen of Thursday Night TV said she had a “no assholes” policy, adding that there “are no Heigls in this situation,” a reference to former GREYS ANATOMY diva Katherine Heigl.
Most Instantaneous Reaction: When at long last it was confirmed that TWIN PEAKS will be returning, the internet took to debating whether David Lynch and company would remind folks how great television is done… or prove that sometimes, train wrecks can be highly stylized.
The Closest Thing To Sports News This Column Is Likely To Cover: Katy Perry will perform at this year’s Super Bowl. Here’s hoping she performs fireworks, complete with bottle rockets shooting from her bra, so that Janet Jackson’s nipples will no longer be the most talked about cleavage in the event’s history.
Most Unexpectedly Hot Pairing: Who would have predicted that THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL’s Caroline and Ridge would have killer chemistry? Then again, portrayers Thorsten Kaye and Linsey Godfrey have repeatedly proven themselves to have the kind of charisma that makes any scene sizzle.
Best Flashback: Linda Lavin looked so great during her guest spot on THE GOOD WIFE that we had to think the food served in Mel’s diner on ALICE was jam packed with preservatives!
Funnest Seasonal Ad: Just in time for Halloween, Geiko unleashed a commercial spoofing the dumb decisions people make in horror movies.
Most Surprising Pick-Up: While UNDER THE DOME’s renewal wasn’t much of a surprise, given that it basically makes money before it even airs thanks to an array of licensing deals both foreign and domestic, EXTANT’s… um… was.
Biggest Loser: Last week, Korina Emmerich’s reaction to being booted from PROJECT RUNWAY earned her a spot on the “Sore Loser Hall Of Fame” catwalk. This week, her refusal to work with Char Glover — complete with GIF-worthy face making and an epically childish exit — guaranteed her a spot on every Top Reality Show Crybabies list to be generated in the future.
Dumbest Client: THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY’s Teresa Giudice claimed on WATCH WHAT HAPPENS LIVE that her lawyer didn’t tell her what her plea deal would entail, so she had no clue that she’d been going to jail. Apparently, she hired fellow TV star Lionel Hutz (of THE SIMPSONS) to handle her case.
Best Entrance: Not only did THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS’ Phyllis wear white to crash nemesis Sharon’s wedding, but she then promptly collapsed before the bride could say “I do” to her longtime love Nick!
Most Concurrently Self-Aware And Delusional: Having a long and sordid history of dating mobsters and bad boys, GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Alexis told the latest, Julian, that he was “just one in a very long line of bad choices.” And while the attorney spoke the truth, it was also pretty darn clear that she had as much chance of keeping him at arm’s length as I have of losing 15 pounds this week. Or month. Or year.
Biggest Hypocrites: While Jeff Probst told Entertainment Weekly that this week’s ugly confrontation between about-to-be-ousted John Rocker and Natalie Anderson was not “the kind of moments I want for SURVIVOR,” it was the only thing the network focused on in ads for the episode.
Quickest Death: No sooner had Cameron Crowe voiced his displeasure about NBCs plans to turn his flick “Say Anything” into a series — even tweeting that he and the stars’ only involvement was “in trying to stop it” — than the idea was shelved. Geez, where was he when someone came up with that whole KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS pitch…
Best Eulogy: Kevin Nealon summed up the general reaction to former girlfriend Jan Hooks tragic passing with five little words… “Too soon and too sad.”
Weirdest line: LAW & ORDER: SVU may have ripped this week’s episode directly from the headlines about Bryan Singer, but it went back in time by having the teen temptress around which it centered utter, “I gave Adam what he wanted, and he gave me what I wanted. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da.”
Why I’m Stoked: Legendary TV is working on a reboot of LOST IN SPACE, one of my favorite TV shows of yore. Now, I’m gonna need them not to mess this up. In fact, keep an eye on this site, because next week, I’ll be offering up my suggestions on how to make sure the Jupiter 2 and her crew don’t crash and burn.
Most Creeptacular Premiere: One episode in, and already Freak Show is so engrossing — emphasis on the gross — that we’re beginning forgive AMERICAN HORROR STORY for the glamorous mess that was Coven. Now then, who’s up for a Tupperware party with lobster boy Jimmy (Evan Peters) as the guest of honor?