It was a tale of two ‘Idols’ last night, as has become commonplace in their newfound aversion to a true Hollywood week through the last couple seasons. But, after ninety minutes of nonsense, we finally got a glimpse at what makes this week great. Of course, it was only a glimpse.
But first, the nonsense. ‘Idol’ is really hell-bent on taking us on a journey with its contestants. It expects to be able to make us care deeply for the entire roster by the time they reach the live shows and has attempted to do that through showing endless 30-second auditions from almost everybody who made it to Hollywood.
The premise is horribly flawed. With so many auditions crammed into a total of about 65 minutes of airtime, it’s impossible to get to know anybody. I just had 50 or so auditions rammed in my face and I couldn’t name a single contestant that I saw. I know that the cute blonde chick has a crush on the guy with dreads wearing a suit, but that’s really about it. That’s really about all I took away from ‘Idol’s’ relationship building exercise.
The rest was just a blur of acoustic guitars and singers of all shapes, sizes and genders who somehow manage to sound exactly like one another. A succubus of conformity affects the talent this year, or maybe it’s just that it was such a ramrod of auditions that I just assume everybody’s the same person at this point. Whatever happened, the constant quick-bit singing did not have its intended effect on me.
Really, I’d rather build my relationships with contestants through seeing them behave like fever-dream hellions as they attempt to put their egos far enough aside to be able to sing as a group for 3 minutes. It shouldn’t be so hard, but it always is and that’s where I really begin to develop my relationship with these contestants.
In the second half of last night’s episode, the show finally hit its Hollywood Week stride with a blend of behind-the-scenes drama and the always ridiculous group performances. With the Grammys coming up, it seems like a perfect time to give out some awards.
First Person Left Without a Group
The honor this year goes to Alexis. Normally, we’d see more transient people on the verge of a nervous breakdown attempting to find a home within a group, but this year it was just Alexis, who wandered for a brief moment of distress until she found her home. Of course, her troubles weren’t quite over, but we’ll get to that.
The “I Still Hate You” Award
This dishonor goes to Sal who after his pigheaded attempt to get J-Lo up to his hotel room last night went rebuffed, took his next opportunity on camera to exclaim that he loves being surrounded by women. There’s very little to like about this guy at this point.
Best Mascot Award
This goes to the group Double Stuf who took the stage with a stuffed yellow teddy bear. Not quite left shark in terms of onstage animals, but he’ll do here. Plus, Double Stuf wins the unofficial “First Team to Go to Bed” Award.
Mom Alert! Award
Goes to Tianna’s mom. Of course, I don’t know who Tianna is because I don’t know who anybody is on this show, but I know Tianna’s mom. And Tianna’s mom insists you sing your heart out. She also gets easily dismayed by mediocre singing of any time.
Most Inappropriate Team Name Award
Goes to the Dream Team which contained Tianna! They had the requisite forgotten lyrics, zero choreography, and horrible song choice coupled with terrible singing. Amazingly, all but one got through, despite Tianna’s mom’s displeasure with their performance.
Panic Attack Award
It’s Alexis again! Even after she found a team, she still couldn’t calm down and had a good ol’ call the EMT’s panic attack where they, of course, told her absolutely nothing was wrong with her.
So after she recovered from nothing, she seemed poised to take the stage with her group until she…had another panic attack!
Will she survive her bout of nothing? Check back in next week.