Hey, BONES fans, for this episode, we go back in time! Just like Huey Lewis. Look it up, kids. We get to find out how Booth wound up with a hole in his gut in a basement with those charming men from last episode. Here are your BONES Top Five Moments!
Twenty-four hours earlier, in a land far, far away…or right where the van was found last episode, O’Donnell is about to torch the van with Jared inside of it. A wounded Booth and O’Donnell talk about how bad they feel about Jared, but neither of them is at all a wreck about it. Poor Jared. O’Donnell is so over it, he threatens Booth that if he has a problem with Jared’s unorthodox cremation, well he can curl up next to his bro. Okay, O’Donnell, slow your roll.
Booth assesses he’s in the company of crazy people with guns, he’s outnumbered, and he’s wounded. He does a much better acting job this week when he agrees it all has to get blowed up. Including Jared. Probably not the funeral he would have chosen for himself. But Booth does insist on being the one to do it.
Back in the present, Booth isn’t doing so well. A bullet to the gut will do that to ya. The other guys seem annoyed by Booth’s grunts of pain and take bets on how long it will be before he kicks the bucket.
Meanwhile O’Donnell gets the call that they’re going to do the trade and get some kind of list. Booth is shaking and stuttering and generally looking like death warmed over as he tries to pretend he’s totally fine and going along for this meeting that takes place in five hours. Let’s see what happens.
Due to Caroline’s awesomeness, she found out Agent “Booth is guilty of every crime” Miller wasn’t truthful with them, and her partner is missing. Now the shoe’s on the other foot, and she has to come clean about her partner, who four days previous printed out…a LIST. DUN DUN DUN! This list includes anyone undercover in criminal or terrorist organizations. I’m sure that’s not important. And even though Brennan points out her hypocrisy with accusing Booth left and right, Miller’s defense is that Booth disappeared around the same time, so they’re both dirty.
Aubrey’s s all, “We’re going to search his house and stuff, and Agent Miller’s like, “Oh, yeah?” and Aubrey’s like, “Yeah!” And Caroline’s like, “The Jeffersonian is the most awesome,” And Miller’s like, “Your lab totally sucks since Brennan left,” and Brennan’s like, “I’m back, so STFU” and that’s how Brennan unofficially came back to the Jeffersonian. Okay, not exactly like that, but you get the picture.
Miller’s partner, Richard, has a fiancée named Chloe. They haven’t been able to find her since Richard went missing. Hey, do you think…? Naw. I’m sure if I can think of it, this group of highly trained and intelligent individuals should be able to…oh, wait. No. They’re going with the “they ran off together” scenario. Because I guess Miller won’t even vouch for her own partner and just automatically thinks he’s a rat.
Richard has only wine and cheese in his fridge, and…oh, look! A finger in a baggie in his freezer! Hmmm…I wonder…
Three guesses as to whom the finger belongs to. Say it with me, people: Chloe! So we know why Richard printed that list, and now all of you smart people will maybe wait until a couple of facts come in first before making accusations. Caroline, being her usual amazing self, tells Miller to climb down from that horse after her team missed a finger next to the Hot Pockets. Never change, Caroline!
And guess what? Miller and her partner used to be in a relationship. She’s a prize, this agent Miller. Also, also, when Richard broke up with her, she threatened Chloe. Yeah, hand over your badge and gun to Aubrey.
The theory is that Jared being Jared, he got in way over his head with the robbing crew and told Booth, who insinuated himself into the gang, so the list wouldn’t get into the wrong hands. Just as Caroline says Booth is going to die trying to get that list, he appears to be doing just that. And the other guys are all broken up about it and attending to his wound. Or just sitting there watching Booth die and calling him the walking dead. One or the other.
Five billion hours later, and after he’s gone through all of the gauze, Booth finds some silver nitrate to cauterize the wound. The other guys are all “Ewwww” about it.
Wire cutters used on Chloe’s finger as well as on a chain link fence in a noxious environment…abandoned battery recycling facility. Of course!
When Aubrey and Miller arrive…oh geez…vultures are feeding on a couple of crispy corpses, flambéed just for them. Now I’m saying, “EWWWW!” Bad news. It looks like one of them is Chloe. All of that battery acid came in handy.
As the squints ponder the wonder of what vultures eat and how Brennan can’t imagine a world without Booth, an attractive stranger approaches and asks for Angela. Hodgins immediately puffs his chest and says he’s her hubby, while Brennan insists they have no time for a strip tease. He’s really good-lucking, you guys. And instantly I’m suspicious, especially when he says Miller sent him, and he’s wearing a cast. He’s Dr. Benjamin Metzger, a digital forensic scientist with the bureau. He claims the cast is from carpal tunnel. Mmmm…we’ll see, handsome.
Hodgins tries to blend into the woodwork as Metzger works with Angela. And by that I mean give him wicked stink-eye. Metzer immediately settles everyone down by talking about the seven-year itch.
When Cam confirms the other CC is Miller’s partner, Metzger starts to cry. Oh, my spidey senses are tingling with this guy.
And gee, I don’t know why I don’t trust Metzger, when O’Donnell suddenly receives a text not to trust Booth and to kill him.
And guess what? Chloe dined on cheese and wine with her killer in Richard’s apartment . Hmmm…who would be good looking and charming enough to….
Lookie here. The killer used brass knuckles on Richard. Know what else? Doing that would have fractured the person’s wrist. See?
At Criminal Headquarters, O’Donnell may not be such a bad guy after all. Instead of killing Booth, he calls off the list heist. But his partners aren’t happy about being cheated out of 40 mil. They have a coup, and one of the bad guys picks up the phone with the texts. O’Donnell says he’s not going to kill anyone, and (Metzger) says Booth will arrest them.
Bad Guy One attempts to shoot Booth who isn’t as half dead as he had been. He deflects the gun and takes down Bad Guy. But Bad Buy Two manages to take down O’Donnell and get some heavy artillery. Booth locks himself in another room and doubles over in pain. He manages to pry open a vent that leads to the outside world, so when Bad Guy Two gets in there, Booth appears to have gone through the opening, only he didn’t, and manages to slam BG2 with a piece of metal or something.
Aubrey and Miller can’t get Metzger to talk, so Brennan comes in there, and let’s just say that when she took hold of his wrist and twisted it, I heard cracking noises.
The cavalry arrives just in time for Booth to really come out the opening.
Brennan’s character goes back and forth between learning her lesson about talking to people as if they’re her plebes and talking to them like they’re her plebes. Arastoo’s five seconds of glory is cut short when Brennan once again reminds him, and everyone else, that nobody is as good as she is. THANKS, Agent Miller!
Brennan continues with classic abuser behavior, where she puts down Arastoo and then talks kindly to him. At this point he doesn’t know whether to go to the bathroom or brush his teeth. He’s worried he’ll be fired and tells Cam he’s going to look for another job.
Angela reminds Arastoo that any unsolved cases are on Brennan’s head, because she’s the one who went skipping out of there, which is the point I made last week. Make sure you tell Brennan that to her face, Angela.
Later Brennan tells Cam Arastoo will be able to take over in a few years, but for now she wants her job back. Cam is THRILLED, since this means, for some reason, Arastoo has to fall off the face of the earth. So, without warning, 1. Cam has gotten over her cold feet. She’ll say yes if he asks her to marry him and 2. Arastoo won’t ask her, since all of a sudden his only opportunities are in Ottawa, Cincinnati, and Dubai. Nary a tear is shed. “I love you and want to marry you.” “I love you and want to marry you, too!” “Oh, wait, I don’t love you enough to stick around and be an intern, so buh-bye.” “Okay, see ya! It’s been real!”
And if you didn’t guess, Brennan also talks Booth into going back to his old job. Surprise!
So, that’s it. I’ll miss you, Arastoo. I’m glad we got so invested in your relationship with Cam, only for it to end with almost no fanfare at all. Until next week!